Enjoy Memorial Day weekend — if you can beat the traffic

Day to live in memoriam

Memorial Day. A time to remember patriots who gave their lives.

I once reported that NYC’s little chunk out east was so stuffed one Memorial Day weekend that Steven Spielberg could only navigate East Hampton to Bridgehampton traffic by bicycle.

And the Hampton Inn in Hampton Bays?

One lady — 30ish — had to wait on line 40 minutes for breakfast.

A waitress finally plopped her at a table with: “You won’t like it here. This place is for young people.”

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Mark Kostabi’s hustling paintings . The routine is snacks at his place, plus maybe collectors, plus assorted actress types, plus ex-Letterman drummer Anton Fig, plus a mom whose son has the “Joy Luck Club,” plus a jazz musician, plus a promoter who schleps in models so everybody stares at them plus at his paintings to see which looks better.

Nailing a live one pays the mortgage on his joint in Rome where he does the same shtick. How Rembrandt pulled it off, this I don’t know.

“George Washington’s Rules of Civility” is a thin book. Copyright 2003, Goose Creek Press and translated from the French. Translated from French and edited by John T. Phillips II, it says, “In 1745, a 13-year-old schoolboy in Virginia jotted down the lengthy set of social rules.” That was young Georgie.

It dictates manners. Like page 63: “Do not let your clothes be dirty, torn, covered with dust or threadbare.”

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It does not suggest flashing your enhanced boobs open — like today — or injecting your outlined behind near the buffet.

Who knew George — who chewed with wooden teeth yet — was so finicky.

For cheapos, here’s where to go this weekend: Rockaway, Nantucket, Lake George, Newport, Bear Mountain, Catskills, Adirondacks or just stay home and order in.

Understand, it’s busy highways, lousy drivers, expensive gas, crowded flights and you’ll still have to fight ants.

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Once called Decoration Day, the federal holiday’s been observed 156 years — about when the deli ordered in your takeout.

The rich like Beyoncé, Mark Wahlberg, Eva Longoria and DiCaprio, who vacations bed-to-bed, schlep to nearby Palm Springs.

It’s an area where anyone piloting less than a Maserati is considered on welfare.

For the poverty stricken there’s Miami and Ocean City, which is in something called Maryland, plus what’s clearly Earth’s nirvana — Pigeon Forge in downtown Tennessee.

If there’s a few bucks left after NY’s taxes and what’s laid aside for traffic congestion, plus whatever additional we get socked for the retirement of Donald’s judge, you can always rush to Jamaica, Vegas, Paris, cheapo Bermuda, Ibiza — or spots where rumors say Meghan may have investigated to nail a Prince Harry type.

If in Jersey, call in on Menendez who might not have sufficient gold bars left to even hit Atlantic City. Or if maybe forlorn enough to be stuck in Delaware, visit a bank — send a few dollars to Hunter.

I’m off Monday, Memorial Day. It’s a time to remember patriotic songs like “God Bless America,” “America the Beautiful,” “Grand Old Flag,” “Yankee Doodle Dandy.”

May we all be together instead of apart. May we be proud to live in the United States.

Only in the USA, kids, only in the USA.

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