Gaslighting: What It Is and How to Know if It's Happening to You

"Gaslighting" is more than just a trendy buzzword. The concept has been around for decades. And mental health experts say it's a psychological phenomenon that can have serious emotional implications and even destroy relationships.

Here's what gaslighting means, how to recognize when it's happening to you, and what to do if someone is gaslighting you.

What Is Gaslighting?

Gaslighting is a form of emotional and psychological manipulation in which one person attempts to coerce another person into doubting their own accurate observations, perspectives, and experiences.

This can lead the person who is being gaslit to question attributes about themselves, including their character, memory, and in more extreme cases, their sanity, says Robin Stern, PhD , the author of The Gaslight Effect and a cofounder and senior adviser for the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence in New Haven, Connecticut.

"In simplest terms, gaslighting is the act of manipulating someone's reality," Dr. Stern says.

The National Domestic Abuse Hotline

defines gaslighting as a highly effective form of emotional abuse that gives the gaslighter a certain amount of power and control over the gaslit person.

Most people have experienced some form of gaslighting, whether at the office or at home. For example, you respectfully and privately share with your supervisor that you felt like they took credit for your work during a team meeting. They deny you contributed to the work at all and suggest you're trying to take credit for their work.

Or, someone manipulates you into agreeing with them. For example, you confront your partner about feeling like they've been avoiding conversations with you. But instead of addressing your concerns, they leave you feeling that you're not respecting their personal time, and that you are the one who has been avoiding conversations when they try to talk with you.

Common Questions & Answers

What is an example of gaslighting?

An example of gaslighting is when you're upset at your friend for being late, and they deny being late or deny having agreed to meet you at a specific time, even though they clearly did.

How do you know if you're being gaslit?

A victim of gaslighting may feel increased self-doubt and start to question their self-worth or sense of reality. The person gaslighting may minimize your feelings, tell lies, and aim to distort your sense of being.

How do you tell someone they are gaslighting you?

One way to respond is to use "I" statements, such as, "I realize you have a different perspective, but I'm not imagining things." This can help put the focus on your feelings and perspective.

Types of Gaslighting

Gaslighting can occur in any type of relationship, from the boardroom to the bedroom.

Common types of gaslighting include:

• Intimate partner relationship gaslighting
• Racial gaslighting
• Medical gaslighting
• Political gaslighting

Gaslighting as a Type of Abuse in Intimate Partner Relationships

When one partner gaslights another partner, it's emotional abuse, according to the National Domestic Violence Hotline.

This is because gaslighting in an intimate partner relationship disarms and eventually gets the other person not to trust themselves or their perception of reality - making them easier to control and manipulate and less likely to leave their abusive partner or object to the abuse.

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According to a case study published in 2019 in the American Sociological Review , gaslighting in intimate partner relationships is often rooted in inequality and gender-based stereotypes that are used against victims to manipulate their reality.

This happens when someone convinces the person being gaslit that their abuse is not real, is insignificant, or that it's not the abuser's fault.

Gaslighting is often a gradual process that abusers use to break down their partner's belief in themselves over time, making them more vulnerable to being manipulated and to stay in abusive relationships, per the case study.

Racial Gaslighting

Racial gaslighting is a form of manipulation aimed at undermining or minimizing someone's experiences with racism.

"Racial gaslighting can range from covert microaggressions that are subtle, to more overt expressions of minimizing a minoritized person's experience with racism through aggressive attacks on their character, creditability, and intellectual capacity," says Barbara Shabazz, PsyD , a clinical psychologist in Virginia Beach, Virginia, and the owner of Intentional Activities, a motivational counseling private practice.

It might look like this: Despite the huge increase in anti-Asian hate crime, a white friend tells their Asian American friend that they should not be concerned about being targeted, because they live in a progressive neighborhood.

Beyond being emotionally harmful (and rude) to the victim, this type of racial gaslighting also protects and perpetuates the existence of systemic racism and institutionalized oppression, Dr. Shabazz adds.

That's the central argument in a research review article published in 2017 in the journal Politics, Groups, and Identities .

It concluded that racial gaslighting perpetuates social, economic, cultural, and political systems that normalize racially oppressive norms, attitudes, and behaviors.

Medical Gaslighting

Medical gaslighting is when a medical provider blames a patient's symptoms on psychological factors or denies or dismisses the patient's illness or symptoms altogether, as defined in an article published in 2022 in BMJ .

(Though more medical professionals, advocates, and others are bringing attention to medical gaslighting, it's worth noting that there's not necessarily a formal definition of the term to date.)

Lori Gottlieb, a licensed marriage and family therapist and psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, described her experience , in which her doctors attributed physical symptoms she had (fatigue, hair loss, and trouble concentrating and focusing) to stress before she advocated for herself and pushed her doctors to do additional testing; she was eventually diagnosed with a chronic illness. She said medical gaslighting is not always due to malicious intent. "There's just a blind spot when it comes to chronic illness. And I think that the blind spot is bigger with women and especially people of color - doctors just aren't paying attention in the same way," she said.

Some observational evidence suggests this does happen in medical settings. One study published in BMC Cancer found that women were more likely than men to have a delayed cancer diagnosis, which can cause women to have more advanced cancer by the time it's detected.

Similarly, another study found that women with pancreatic cancer experienced longer waits to be diagnosed and treated than men.

Research has also shown that women tend to be treated less aggressively for various conditions, such as traumatic brain injury, than men, which results in poorer long-term outcomes.

It's worth noting that none of this research was designed to analyze why these discrepancies happened (and if it was in fact medical gaslighting). Intersectionality also can play a significant role in gaslighting. The Center for Intersectional Justice defines intersectionality as the ways in which inequalities based on gender, race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, disability, class and other forms of discrimination "intersect" to create unique dynamics and effects.

For example, the intersection of gender and race can create different experiences of the world for white men and Black women. Gaslighting often is possible because of existing power dynamics and cultural factors, which largely underlie the discrimination marginalized groups experience.

Political Gaslighting

Political gaslighting is a form of dishonesty that distracts or confuses public opinion about a political issue, according to political communications researchers. In the book President Trump's First Term , Farah Latif, PhD , an adjunct faculty member at George Mason University in Fairfax, Virginia, who researches political media and public affairs, defines political gaslighting as the use of misleading and manipulative information to undermine, sway, and disorient public opinion on political issues.

Dr. Latif says that social media has been used to help drive misinformation and to perpetuate political gaslighting to gain support for or against a political viewpoint or ideology.

The aforementioned American Sociological Review article, however, posits that gaslighting happens in the context of intimate relationships, and therefore it's a misnomer to characterize political posturing as gaslighting.

Yet this is only one author's perspective. Gaslighting is a concept that continues to evolve and lacks a precise and agreed-upon definition, so views on this topic vary.

7 Signs You're Being Gaslit

Here are some warning signs that you're being gaslit. Remember, these things could be the result of other factors, but if you're experiencing any of the below, it's worth considering if and why gaslighting is happening.

1. You're Constantly Apologizing

One of the primary characteristics of gaslighting is to confuse and cause a person to question themselves. Feeling the need to apologize frequently to a coworker, intimate partner, or even a friend or family member, can be an indication that you are being gaslit, says Angela Neal-Barnett, PhD , a professor of psychology and the director of the Program for Research on Anxiety Disorders Among African Americans at Kent State University in Ohio.

"The person gaslighting you has made you doubt yourself. This, in turn, leads to lowered self-esteem and self-confidence, making the person who is being gaslit feel like almost every decision they make is a mistake and requires an apology, even when it does not - especially toward the person who is gaslighting them," Dr. Neal-Barnett explains.

2. Your Feelings Are Being Minimized

A person who gaslights you may minimize your feelings to reinforce your own self-doubt and insecurity. This tactic also helps the gaslighter control you. This is especially common when you provide feedback to a person about something they do not want to hear about or that they disagree with, Shabazz explains.

3. You Frequently Doubt Your Feelings

"This might look like a person regularly asking themselves if they are overreacting or are being too sensitive," Shabazz says. Being made to doubt yourself (or your feelings or your reality) is a key feature of gaslighting.

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4. You Find Yourself Questioning Your Own Worth

As with minimizing the abused person's feelings, the perpetrators of gaslighting intend to cause the person to question some aspect of their worth and ability. According to Stern, people being gaslit often base their feelings of worth on the approval or praise of others, such as a boss, friend, intimate partner, or parent.

5. You Often Make Excuses for Someone Else's Poor Behavior

This is commonly seen with intimate partner abuse. The abused person may excuse their abusive partner's behavior and even blame themselves.

6. You Struggle With Indecision

Because gaslighting causes insecurity and can damage self-confidence, people who have been gaslit may struggle with indecision and making firm or even simple decisions. "This is why gaslighting can be somewhat paralyzing for the person who is being gaslit. It becomes really challenging for them to make a decision for themselves," says Barnett.

7. You Feel Down, but Don't Understand Why

According to Shabazz, gaslighting can easily result in a person experiencing symptoms similar to depression, such as hopelessness, sadness, and loss of motivation. But if you're being gaslit, you may be unsure of why you're feeling this way.

How to Leave a Gaslighter

If you're a victim of gaslighting in a romantic relationship and want to break up with your partner, it can be hard to know how to leave.

Here are some strategies for ending a gaslighting relationship.

Get Support

The best approach to leaving a gaslighting relationship is to enlist help, according to Stern. "It can be friends, family members, or a mental health professional. Consider the support and resources you will need to create a pathway to leave the relationship safely," Stern says.

Keep in mind that ending the relationship may cost you something, since you started the relationship for a reason. "Be patient and compassionate with yourself. The changes you seek may not happen immediately, but taking action is a powerful tool to reclaim your empowered self," Stern says.

Honor Your Feelings

It's important to listen to your feelings. If you're uncomfortable in the relationship, you can move on from the situation.

Emotions are important information, so listen to what they are telling you. "While you can't control them, you always have a choice about what you can do about them," Stern says.

Be Mindful

It may be helpful to cultivate mindfulness, according to Stern. Consider a mindful practice that helps you focus your attention on the present moment and the thoughts and feelings you're experiencing here and now.

Strengthen Your Resilience

Leaving the relationship may test your resolve and resilience. Developing a strong sense of self and self-worth can help strengthen your resilience, which may help you stay out of gaslighting relationships in the future.

"The key to remaining gaslight-free in any relationship is to not let your self-worth depend on someone else's approval," Stern says.

Editorial Sources and Fact-Checking

Everyday Health follows strict sourcing guidelines to ensure the accuracy of its content, outlined in our editorial policy . We use only trustworthy sources, including peer-reviewed studies, board-certified medical experts, patients with lived experience, and information from top institutions.

Sources

1. Gaslight. American Psychological Association. November 15, 2023.
2. What Is Gaslighting? National Domestic Abuse Hotline.
3. Sweet PL. The Sociology of Gaslighting. American Sociological Review . 2019.
4. Davis AM et al. Racial Gaslighting. Politics, Groups, and Identities . November 23, 2017.
5. Wise J. Sixty Seconds on … Medical Gaslighting. British Medical Journal . August 9, 2022.
6. Sarasqueta C et al. Gender Differences in Stage at Diagnosis and Preoperative Radiotherapy in Patients With Rectal Cancer. BMC Cancer . August 14, 2020.
7. Azap RA et al. Sex-Based Differences in Time to Surgical Care Among Pancreatic Cancer Patients: A National Study of Medicare Beneficiaries. Journal of Surgical Oncology . January 2021.
8. Mikolic A et al. Differences Between Men and Women in Treatment and Outcome After Traumatic Brain Injury. Journal of Neurotrauma . December 31, 2021.
9. What Is Intersectionality. Center for Intersectional Justice.