The long, slow goodbye

A couple years ago as I arrived in a nursing facility to do a simple worship service for the residents there, I encountered the cutest elderly pair.

The Mrs. was in a wheelchair looking out the picture window self-propelling away from the man following close behind her. The gentleman was clearly flirting with her and trying his best to get the preoccupied woman’s attention.

I asked one of the skilled facility’s employees about this couple and discovered they were a long-time married couple and both Mr. and Mrs. now suffered from dementia among other progressive aging diseases. Mrs. had completely forgotten that man following her had farmed their land and fathered as well as helped her raise several children, now probably collecting Medicare benefits.

Both the gentleman and lady were still verbally fluent enough to engage in conversation with one another.

He was still ambulatory, though his gait was slightly unsteady. As she turned away from him and his eager attempts, she would proclaim to him she was married and not interested in another man currently. She assured him her husband would probably be there to pick her up soon and he had better not be hanging around because her husband was a jealous man.

He in turn would say, “Honey, I believe I am your husband. I would never forget your face and I would really like a kiss.” I remember one of her comical retorts, “My husband has a job and you don’t do anything, but chase after a woman!”

For the life of me I do not remember anything about that service I conducted that day, but I will never forget those two. They were a display of love in spite of an elderly diseased body. Mr. was determined to win her yet again and again.

Many times, the disease of dementia is not so cute. What I have seen in these years of Long Term and Hospice Care would break most hearts. Yet, a large percentage of hospice dementia people are content right where they are.

The reason the hearts of friends and family are broken is because they see the situation as loss, and rightly so. It is difficult to accept the new normal for a parent or spouse who was your guide and support through your life.

In the couple I opened this article with; they were living the joy of young love all over again. The chase was on!

Another resident I see routinely giggles over parts of conversations she overhears, television commercials and birds chirping outside her window.

A few I see have pets that bark, meow and purr (battery operated mind you). They are delighted in their absent minded bliss. They are no longer concerned about life’s daily grind. Others are not so blessed as they worry endlessly or cry for help, and without medication, are fearful.

Dementia is a degenerative brain disease that causes loss of memory, language and other cognitive abilities. There are many types and many facets of each type that affect its victim differently.

Families would do themselves great help if seeking caregivers support groups and Alzheimer’s Awareness groups were utilized more. Many surrounding counties have such support systems.

Families will often deny the disease even though the progression is clearly visible to everyone.

Blame for too much medication or staff mishandling explains away the behavior’s or changes the family refuses to face. Those things are investigated, but dementia is not a disease that is currently curable. It progresses. Help is a must. Resources are available.

Trust, in those who specialize in end of life and gematric medicine, is wise. Denial makes what is already hard, even more difficult for oneself. Seek education and support.

One family member recently was surprised by the decline of her elderly father when visiting in the skilled facility. She went directly to blame and wanted answers. There was no calming this irate daughter. She wanted all medication stopped, reasoning it was causing the decline and lethargy.

She would not accept the physician’s advice after many geriatric nurses and this chaplain tried to help her see the inevitable. Medication was stopped. Her father’s pain increased. Behaviors increased. She was causing more harm to her loved one by denying the truth she was gently counseled to accept, but would not.

On the exact opposite spectrum, one family a few years ago somehow took the trip in Dementia with grace with their dear mother. As she reacted to life and situations differently, they rolled with the punches and enjoyed every aspect of their mother. They joked over her shopping sprees in other people’s rooms in the facility.

Their conversations with their mother changed and they gave her permission to not make reasonable sense. They lived where she was at mentally rather than correcting her. By the way, that will just frustrate the one with Dementia and the one thinking they need to correct.

A person with dementia loses their ability to reason. Do not expect them to reason with a brain that cannot. Go with the flow. Let it go.

Recently, a family member looked at me after spending a few minutes with their mother and said, “This is so sad... This is awful.” I listened. It was heartbreaking for the adult child.

The mother, however, was in no pain and seemed content at the moment. It is like a slow goodbye. The adult child needed compassion, empathy and support as much as the one diagnosed with Dementia.

Contact your local Senior Centers and Hospice Agencies for Alzheimer’s/Dementia Support Groups. No one should stand alone in this. Resources are available.