Visit A Caregiver, And Sweeten Their Day And Yours

Do you know a caregiver? Maybe a neighbor who keeps to themselves? A member of your church who hasn’t been attending because they are nervous about bringing their loved one? A coworker who is struggling? A friend or even a family member?

How about paying them a visit?

Statistics reveal that between 40% and 70% of family caregivers experience symptoms of depression, which can often be caused by feelings of isolation and loneliness associated with the act of caregiving. Throughout COVID, we have heard about the isolation and loneliness of residents in long-term care communities. Yet there is another group of people who often feel alone and depressed: caregivers.

No matter what type of caregiver they are, if they are taking care of someone in their home, their life changed dramatically the minute their caregiving began. I have heard the following statements from many caregivers:

• “My friends have stopped asking if I want to join them because I have said I can’t so many times because I have no one to be with my dad.”
• “I love my wife and want to be here for her, but I need a break.”
• “I’m lonely for someone to have a real conversation with.”

YOU can help. You can make a difference in someone’s life. I know it may feel awkward, or you might not know what to say or do. But paying a visit will not only be good for the caregiver – giving them a break will make a difference to the person they are caring for, too.

Here are some tips for visiting:

• Call and arrange the best time for a visit. Mornings are usually better. But maybe the caregiver wants to sit and visit with you while their loved one is napping in the afternoon.
• Walk in with a smile on your face and a good attitude.
• Listen. Everyone needs someone to talk to, someone who will listen without judgment. Oh, and don’t share caregiving horror stories with them. (Yes, people do that.) Most of the time they just need someone to listen.
• Maybe bring a little treat such as flowers, a book, or coffee cake.
• Put your keys and phone away. Turn off the ringer so you are not disturbed. Not looking at your phone also shows the caregiver that they are important to you. You don’t need to check on anything else except them.
• Before you leave, set another day and time to come back.

Please never say these phrases to the full-time caregiver: “Wow, your mom doesn’t seem to be as bad as you say.” “Your mom really has Alzheimer’s? She looks good.” It seems like a nice thing to say, but let’s think about it for a moment. What if there was something that caused you a lot of stress and anxiety, and someone said to you, “You know that thing that is breaking your heart? That seems almost unnoticeable to me!”

It’s not a compliment. It just means you haven’t spent enough time in the situation. Also, examine your motivation to say those words. It’s probably coming from a place of nervousness. Dementia is scary, and you feel uncertain about what you are doing. Remember, don’t speak to make yourself feel better: She’s not so bad! She looks normal! Speak to make the caregiver feel better: What can I do that will help you the most?

By Karen Stobbe

P.S. You may also benefit from this article: Comforting Those Who Comfort: How To Provide Family Support.