The Love Language of Friendship Needs a Contact List

The friendship of years. Photo: Melissa Gouty

The Blessing of Friendship

There is nothing like the blessing of friends, and I’ve been blessed, indeed.

When I hired on at the community college, I was the baby of the group, mentored, mothered, encouraged, and inspired by the strong, intelligent, older women in my division. Thirty years after I was hired, these women are still my closest friends. Together, we have experienced life with all its trials and triumphs: marriages, births, job advancements, divorce, retirements, birthdays, holidays, and deaths.

We’ve traveled the world together, discussed politics, books, current events, recipes, movies, sports, and celebrities for decades.

So you’d think we’d know absolutely everything about each other.

What You Don’t Know About Your Friends Might Surprise You

More than thirty years together, and we didn’t know what we needed to know to help our friend.

Think about it. List a couple of your good friends right now. I bet you know the number of children they have, the gender, and their names. You may have even met some of them. You probably know where your friends’ children live. You’re sure to know whether the kids have given your friends grandchildren, and if so, you probably know the names of the grandkids.

Our friends’ families are important to us.

So imagine our surprise when we discovered we didn’t know enough.

When Dementia Sets In

When one of our group started exhibiting signs of dementia, we were concerned, but we knew her husband was watching out for her. We would send her written reminders of our monthly lunch dates. We’d call her multiple times before the event. We’d call her right before we went to pick her up. She was forgetful but happy to be with us as long as we kept her on schedule.

But then a day or two went by and she didn’t answer the phone.

We weren’t worried because she and her husband keep a busy schedule, attending church and participating in community organizations. Her husband watched over her constantly and together, they filled their days with intertwined activities.

Then we heard that our friend’s husband had been admitted to the hospital for COVID.

Our friend wasn't answering her phone, but we figured she’d be at her son’s house in a city about 45 minutes away.

Not to worry. We’d call her son and offer our help and support. We’d do whatever we could to ease their troubles.

Do You Know the Last Name of Your Friends’ Children?

Imagine our frustration when between five adult women, not one of us could recall our friend’s son’s last name. He was the child of her first marriage, a marriage she NEVER talked about. Of course, we knew his FIRST name. We knew that he had taken her on a wonderful European trip a couple of summers ago. We knew that he had no children and lived not too far away. We knew his approximate age, that he enjoyed gardening, and that he attended one family dinner every week.

But could we contact him?

Not one of us knew his surname. (Do you know the last names of your friends’ children?) Even if we did, we weren’t sure we could track down his personal cell phone number. We didn’t know where he worked. And since our friend’s husband was extremely ill with COVID and couldn’t talk, (and even if he could, he was extremely deaf and unable to carry on a conversation over the phone,) we needed to touch base with our friend’s son.

You can't offer the support of friends if you don't know who to offer it to.

Photo by Chien Nguyen Minh on Unsplash

Lesson Learned; Contact List Created

It didn’t matter how much we loved our friend. It didn’t matter how long we’d known her or how many experiences we’d shared.

We didn’t know enough.

Through networking, calling various numbers to locate distant relatives, and talking to the church community, we were able to find out that our friend with dementia is now also hospitalized with COVID in the same room as her husband.

But finding it out was no easy task. Knowing their status doesn't help the situation any, but it does allow us to plan on how we can help them.

My friends and I learned a lesson. From this day forward, we’ll all have a contact list with the names, email addresses, and phone numbers of each other’s children and spouses. Multiple contacts in case of multiple problems.

In case of emergency. In case we want to help. In case we want to tell them how much we love them.

A simple contact list is one easy way to strengthen the love language of friendship, never needed more than it is now.

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