Why Rejection is the Best Thing That Can Happen to You

(Photo by Andrik Langfield on Unsplash)

“I mastered the art of telling people what they wanted to hear and being someone they would find impressive — all the while worrying incessantly about what others thought of me, fearing criticism, and holding myself back as a result.” — Sacha Crouch

A few months ago, four publications rejected what I thought was one of my best articles.

It stung like a thousand bees. (In fact, I would rather be stung by a thousand bees.) I moped for three days and even asked myself, “Who am I to write anything?”

Rejection stings. The word “no” doesn’t chip away at our self-esteem; it burns a gaping hole in it. The frightening thought about what others will think makes us hide our face in shame for days and weeks.

If you’re an introvert with a mind that doesn’t stop working, you know what I mean.

It’s better to avoid rejection. Do and say what people want, don’t put your work out there or work on that idea you strongly believe in. Don’t approach the person you’re romantically interested in. Leave it to the master negotiators to ask for what’s important.

Why does this feel easier? Because we’re all addicted to the world’s most powerful drug.

The World’s Most Addictive Drug

Most of us have never consumed a physical drug. But regardless of gender, color, or religion, each of us is addicted to the ubiquitous and intoxicating drug of approval.

Have you watched scenes in movies where addicts anguish for a sniff of heroin? That’s how we treat approval or external validation, which stems from the inherent need to belong to a group.

According to Dr. Karyn Hall, validation is the “recognition and acceptance” of someone else’s experience. The likes on our social media updates, claps on our articles, appreciation of our work, are all examples of approval we crave for.

When we obsess over approval, we change ourselves to give others exactly what they’re looking for.

To an extent, this is essential. To be useful to others, we must get out of our own heads. But over-reliance on external validation is a recipe for disaster.

It turns us into social chameleons. We live brittle lives that fit others’ frames but don’t make us happy. And we avoid approval’s polar opposite — rejection — like a plague.

That becomes a huge problem. Here’s why.

Rejection is inevitable. In fact, each of us encounters it a zillion times more than approval. When we don’t learn to accept it, we fail to build resilience — the ability to put in the effort despite failure. We fail to learn how to take bullets on the chest. And life doesn’t just fire Glocks or .22 caliber guns. It fires shotguns and cannons.

In other words, the more we try to avoid rejection, the more we trap ourselves in a suffocating, miserable life.

Rejection Is Good For Me

Like everyone else, I’ve been rejected more times in my life than there are stars in the sky. By publications, partners, prospects, clients, circumstances, colleagues, friends, bosses… even my WiFi connection sometimes rejects me.

Potential partners whom I wanted to spend my life with blocked me (and it wasn’t because I stalked them or misbehaved). Prospects refused to hire me despite agreeing that I could help them achieve their goals. Bosses refused to give me a salary hike I felt I deserved.

And like everyone else, I received poor reasons, or none at all, for most of them. It felt like being stung by a thousand bees. In fact, I would rather… oh, well. But it also makes me grateful.

If I would receive reasons explaining why I got rejected, I would probably jump into denial mode and seethe over how unfair the judgment was. Or I would do the bare minimum that would help me get what I wanted. But in the long term, it would addict me to approval, one sniff at a time.

It hurts when all a publisher tells me while rejecting my article is that it “isn’t what they’re looking for.” But it also makes me scrutinize articles they’ve published with a bigger magnifying glass and discover what I didn’t do right.

Maybe my draft was too verbose, or it was dry because it lacked anecdotes or personal stories. And since I figure those out by myself, I’m keener to work on them than I would be if someone else had highlighted them.

It hurts when a woman I’m interested in rejects me. But it also teaches me to be happy by myself rather than thinking I’ll only be happy when I find a partner who will complete me. When the right partner does come along, I’ll be worthy of her too.

Rejection pushes me to work harder and become a better professional and human being. Without it, I wouldn’t improve. (Why change when all is going well?)

Remember what your failures taught you. Forget how your failures made you feel.— James Clear

This may not work for most people, but it works for me. Find out what works for you. It’s all that matters in the end. Every action is contextual.

In most cases, there is no right or wrong. There are just actions and consequences. Take your actions and accept responsibility for their consequences.

Rejection Will Change You

“We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom in it, and stop there, lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove lid. She will not only sit down on a hot stove lid again — but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore.” — Mark Twain

Rejection can make you worse in that you trap yourself in a suffocating life to avoid anything that can cause rejection again. Or it can make you better because you push yourself outside the comfort zone.

Either way, you don’t stay the same person.

Rejection is not your enemy. It’s a friend — one you don’t want but need. It gives you a clearer picture of the world and yourself. It helps you build the strength to pull yourself up by the bootlaces each time you’re down.

Embrace it. Use it as fuel to push forward, to do what’s important even if you don’t feel like it. Learn the lessons it taught you and forget how crappy it made you feel.

One day, there will be you, there will be the life you want to live, and nothing in between.