Step outside your own perspective

I am not sure where I first heard this statement, but since hearing it, I have reminded myself of it often: “Everything someone does made perfect sense to them.”

Do you know how much easier our day-to-day experiences could be if we remembered this bit of insight every time we were frustrated with a friend, co-worker or loved one? If every time a parent went into a kid’s room and it looks like an absolute trainwreck, but the kid seems to be able to find all of their clothes with ease, they could think that it makes perfect sense to them, and there may be a moment of calm.

When I played soccer, I spent most of my time as a goalkeeper organizing my defense to make sure we could prevent easy counter attacks or easy shots on goal, but sometimes, one of the defenders decided to go rogue and do whatever they wanted. Man, would I get mad! Now, though, I wish I could have realized that we sometimes perceive others’ actions as short-sighted or to be done with ill intent, when really, whatever they did truly may have made sense to them in that moment.

I am a pretty obsessive person. I get very fixated on things being organized and in place, and it is sometimes hard for me to understand why more people are not this way. I like the drawers in our house to be organized in a way that makes it easy to find whatever T-shirt or pair of shorts I want to wear. I want the blankets to be folded on the couch before I go to sleep. I like the house to be clean before we go to sleep every night.

I really just like things to be orderly because it makes my life feel more put together, and luckily, I am married to someone with very similar tendencies. But, even then, I have to catch myself when something seems out of place to me, and remind myself that probably makes perfect sense to my wife. And if I ask her about it, it usually does.

More often than not, I end up finding a better way to do something if I just take the time to pause and ask. As a teammate, I was the same way. No, I could not stand for our locker room to be in disarray and I was on my teammates about keeping it in good condition, but part of my obsessive personality is a desire to try to address issues through action. For example, if I was not getting the playing time I wanted, I felt there were things to be done about that — extra training, film review, meetings with coaches, weight room sessions, conditioning sessions, etc — but not all of my teammates felt this way. For some of them, the playing time may not have bothered them the same way.

At the time, I could not wrap my head around that, but now, I get it. Maybe just subbing in and playing 20 minutes is what some people preferred over the full 90 minutes. Maybe they were fine to simply be on the team and play when they could, because as you moved up in the ranks, you also felt more pressure and more time had to be spent away from academics to focus on staying sharp on the field. There were more recovery sessions, more film review, more positional meetings to go to. There was simply just more time required and more energy needed to be spent on soccer. I loved doing that.

But, I also had to learn to appreciate that not everyone did — and there is really nothing wrong with that. To some, academics was their main reason for going to Duke, and playing soccer was a bonus, but not their driving factor. For those teammates, it did make perfect sense to expend most of their energy in a classroom and not on a field.

This is a lesson I continue to work on every day. I usually do not get it right, but it is something I find worth practicing. I am lucky to have a job in which I get to interact with a lot of people and to work in what feels like a team setting, and because of this, there are many meetings with many different perspectives. At least a couple of days a week, there is usually some point during the day I catch myself thinking, “What in the world are they doing?”

It is really hard in these moments not to shout out what I think is a better decision or action, and instead, pause, and wonder why that option makes the most sense to them. In my job I get to interact with kids every day. Anyone who works with kids will probably ask themselves how in the world kids sometimes think and do certain things. I can say pretty confidently that most of the time, it is just because it made sense to them. When I see a 6-year-old dunk her Rice Krispies treat into her mashed potatoes, I just have to laugh and think, “Well I am so glad that makes sense to her,” rather than tell her this isn’t how we usually eat them.

Because we are all human, there will be times we do things without the best intentions behind it, or because we are just lazy and decided not to get to a task that needed our attention; however, I have found it to be way less tiring to stop assuming there is poor motivation or lack of competence behind others’ actions. I have found it much easier to remind myself, “it makes perfect sense to them,” and to try to appreciate our different ways of seeing the world — or making plays in a game, or organizing drawers, or exercising — rather than be judgmental. To me, this not only makes my days a bit more joyful, but also, it helps me find more joy in my relationships and time with others.

E.J. Proctor Story, a 2014 graduate of Fike High, was the starting goalkeeper for Duke’s 2015 NCAA runner–up year, 2016 Elite 8 finish and 2017 Final Four finish. Currently the Duke record holder for shutouts and goals against average, she went on to play one season professionally with the Utah Royals FC after graduating from Duke. Now back in Wilson, E.J. is assisting with coaching youth soccer players and is employed as the Lead Physical Therapist for Wilson County Schools.

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