31 Of The Absolute Funniest Tweets By Women So Far In 2023

This is such bollocks. 41 years ago two irresponsible people had unprotected sex and now I have to get up in the dark and go to work.

I went on a date with a girl and we ran into her friend and she was like “just you two tonight? omg girls night!!!”

I want to kill this

Yet another friend has been struck down by teenage pregnancy. We're almost in our thirties but still...

Yes modernity is failing us but think about how far we’ve come. When Netflix was just delivering DVDs in the mail I shared an account with my dad that he monopolized by renting an animated French art film about cycling that he didn’t return for an entire year

you want me to find a husband? The person who is statistically most likely to murder me?

Prepping my dad to meet my non-binary friend I cannot breathe at his response

The song “Work Bitch” by Britney Spears is the most powerful performance enhancing workout tool I’m aware of. It should be banned from the Olympics.

Was in Paris on Friday night and a handsome French man was flirting with me and I asked him what his name was and he said (very Frenchly) “Ah you will be disappointed” and I thought what a silly thing to say and then he said “it is Kevin” and you know what? I was disappointed.

people who wake up at 5 am love to talk about how productive their day was but forget to mention the psychotic episode they have around 6pm

parents get so bent up when you claim to love your pet like a child but the fact is i love my dog a lot more than some of your dads loved you.

Every time I see this picture I feel a level of rage I can only describe as “misogyny but for men”

Y’all, I told my daughter to put socks on her reborn doll & she gon say “ you can’t tell people how to take care of they kids “ 😂 I really don’t know how much longer I can do this 😭😭😭😭

ppl rlly don’t drop money on the floor like they used to

Just saw a terf claim trans women "don't know what it's like to be the daughter when a son is wanted" and BABE I got NEWS

POV: you’ve just walked into any given writers room in the 1990s

Matthew Broderick: Life moves pretty fast ...Vin Diesel: And sometimes it moves pretty furious.Together: Coming to a theater near you-Movie Exec: Get out.

if you’re craving intimacy, they’re still doing those brain-scraping covid tests at the hospital.

rhinoplasty, lip filler, cheek implants, chin implant, jaw shave, brow bone reduction, buccal fat removal, botox and eye lift, skin bleaching

3-year-old is skipping around singing “it’s me hi I’m the problem it’s me” and honestly it is so validating.

crazy how dudes can hold back tears for a lifetime but cum in 30 seconds

startup idea - instagram, but it only shows you photos from people you follow and in chronological order

They just asked me to make an excel document at work, omg they’re onto me 😭

I’m sorry I was late I was watching things get crushed by a hydraulic press.

my pregnant friend was shopping once and a strange woman put a hand on my friend's belly so my friend put a hand on her boob

Love how you all are missing your 23 year old selves. I was 23 last year and I would shoot her with a gun

when i was a kid the height of sophistication was when a restaurant would drop like two of these in with the check

If I call my apartment my "house" and you correct me, you a hater fr 😭

5’9 but identify as 6’1. Not here for a hookup but totally will. Women, fish & babies fear me. Like bad boys? I’m bad @ everything! (that’s sarcasm) Find me in the gym looking for my Pam. Love air, food & competing. My dog has mommy issues. Don’t be ugly. Ask if u wanna know more

“It’s not that deep” I’ll kill you with my bare hands

i already messed up… 2024 my year for sure