Proposing on Valentine's Day? Meet the In-Laws

Planning to propose? Research estimates the marriage proposals that occur on Valentine’s Day, the most romantic day of the year, at about 5 percent of the annual number, and the vast majority of proposals are made by men. With an estimated 4 million people getting married every year in the U.S., that means 200,000 people may start making wedding plans (assuming the proposal is accepted) on the morning of February 15. These newly engaged folks are on a trajectory to a new identity, that of a daughter-in-law or a son-in-law (if one identifies as binary). Their actions place both their parents on a new trajectory, too, especially if they are the first of the parents’ children to get married.

For these new roles to be successful, family members in both families (siblings included – think Prince William and Harry) may have to change significantly. When you add a new family member, everything may be up for grabs. Family holidays may be shared between two households; that annual trip to the mountains may be to the shore half the time; gift giving may become a covert competition for the most thoughtful, the funniest, or the most expensive gift. Traditional roles that a father or mother reveled in may now be in question or silently ignored by a younger generation. If the marriage is interracial or interethnic, as one-in-six marriages now are in the U.S., or inter-faith, as one-in-three marriages are, there may be a learning curve about another culture (think Prince William and Harry, again; we promise this is the last reference to them) or another way of expressing spirituality. Despite these potential challenges, my research with Michael Woolley on more than 1500 marriages suggests that soon-to-be in-laws can take steps to make the walk down the aisle continue the love that bloomed in February.¹

First – Ignore the tropes about mothers-in-law, often instigated by male comedians. In our surveys, both women and men felt closer to their mothers-in-law than their fathers-in-law. Women still play a more central role in the emotional lives of families and, while this sometimes makes mothers-in-law seem as if they are interfering, they are, in reality, often fulfilling what should be seen as a more emotionally engaged and critical role.

Second – Embrace, like a wedding bouquet, that change is inevitable and healthy for families. Children become adults and often get married or partnered. That means bringing someone new into the family, interacting with that new person’s family, and learning to share your family member with others.

Third – The longer in-laws know each other, and the more time spent together before the marriage, the better it is for all the relationships. Parents-in-law and children-in-law rated their relationship higher when they were well-acquainted before the wedding. People were comfortable with each other and knew what to expect. If possible, don’t wait for the wedding to meet your new family member(s).

Fourth – Get some family history about the other family. How have the families treated new members in the past? Have new members been forced to conform or allowed to innovate in their behavior? Then think about the history of your family as you may want to work to change old patterns to create the in-law relationships you seek.

Fifth – Families have different communication styles. In some families, children-in-law and parents-in-law can speak freely to each other. Other families have a style where, for example, important communication to a parent-in-law, would go through that parent’s child. In our research, while the first is preferable, both forms of communication can work if both sides are using the same style. Wise newlywed couples allow each other to take the lead about their respective families with what to expect and how to behave if they want the marriage to thrive.

Sixth – Frequent contact between children-in-law and parents-in-law is good unless there is too much of it. We found a curvilinear relationship wherein frequency of contact and positive relationships went together – except for those approaching daily contact, at which point things started to trend south. The takeaway for parents-in-law: Newlyweds need to build their own space.

Seventh – Do not forget the role that the spouses can play in these relationships. If, for example, a daughter-in-law and mother-in-law are struggling, consider the role of the daughter-in-law’s spouse. Is he (or she) encouraging the relationship? Complicating it? How does the father-in-law figure into what is going on?

It may be hard to think about tomorrow (let alone your in-laws-to-be) when first engaged, but things usually improve with time; most of our respondents report a satisfactory relationship with their in-laws and, for some, the relationship is highly beneficial and far exceeded expectations. Over the years, most of us come to accept the parents-in-law or children-in-law we have garnered through marriage. We get them. They understand us. And, for the sake of our own marriage and future family relationships, we mark them with love and caring.