Tallahassee Taliban? Bare arms, short skirts for Florida's women lawmakers are dress code violations

Good news. Apparently, state legislators may be running out of everyday Floridians to mess with, so they’ve decided to go after each other. 

This has taken the form of a flyer being distributed among Florida lawmakers that advises women lawmakers that they should not wear skirts or dresses with hemlines that are more than 1 inch above their knees when they’re at work in the Capitol.

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I’m not sure how they arrived at the 1-inch rule, but I’m guessing there’s a run on tape measures at the local Taliban supply store in Tallahassee. 

Women lawmakers are also advised not to display their bare arms. This is a bold move considering that common slang usage refers to bare arms as “guns.” 

Going for their guns ... and firearms too

Slippery slope. Once you ban one set of guns, when will they stop? First they came for Debbie’s ropy triceps and I said nothing, then they came for my AR-15 with the high-capacity ammo magazine and there were no fully armed women to speak up for me.

This may mark the first time that state lawmakers have taken a tough stance against guns, a move that will probably require a clarification to the NRA.  

I think I can help. Relax NRA, this fashion restriction should not be confused with the rights to “bear arms”, which will be very important in the near future when fully-sleeved women legislators will be counted on to pass a gun law that would eliminate a permit requirement to possess a firearm. 

For those who are still confused: Baring fleshy arms, bad. Bearing deadly arms, good.

Pictures tell story of clothing to avoid

The flyer entitled “When Should I Wear This to Work” shows photos of a variety of “never work appropriate” clothing. Nearly all these photos picture women.

This just in: Cleavage is bad too. 

It doesn’t get into just how much cleavage is considered too much for a state lawmaker. Luckily, guys there will have their tape measures from the skirt checks, so it won’t be long before we’ll get some more chest guidance in the near future.

We’re probably going to need more photos. 

As for male legislators, the main dress code warning involves shoes without socks. 

Around here we call that “The full Palm Beach.” 

I guess in Tallahassee they haven’t heard of the elegance of Stubbs & Wooten velvet dress loafers with the embroidered palm trees on them. 

It would be a fashion crime to abuse that $600 pair of elegant footwear by wearing them with a pair of socks. 

What in the Yeehaw Junction is going on here? 

Meanwhile, with male foot guidance taking a firm stand against socklessness, it leaves the door wide open for Crocs, which are unaddressed in the clothing restrictions. Even though in the greater world of style, Crocs would be considered a capital crime of fashion.

Go figure. 

The subtext of this fashion guidance for state lawmakers is, they want us Floridians to imagine that they are a bunch of respectable, upstanding adults that we can all be proud of. 

And they think they can pull it off with clothing, as if fashion modesty is an indicator of wholesome lawmaking. 

But I have a better idea. If we’re going to have a dress code for state lawmakers, it ought to be one that truly reflects their work and who they are representing. 

NASCAR attire would serve as useful context for decisions

Considering that Florida always ranks near the top of states when it comes to the ratio of lobbyists vs. state legislators, the type of clothing that would most serve the public good is for state lawmakers to dress like NASCAR drivers when they’re on the job.

The one-piece coveralls would be adorned by patches of all the special interests who have bankrolled their campaigns. This will make it visually easy for us to understand the positions they take, and the people whose interests they truly serve.

And we wouldn’t have to worry about measuring the length of women’s skirts.  

Frank Cerabino is a columnist at The Palm Beach Post, part of the USA TODAY Florida Network. You can reach him at fcerabino@gannett.com. Help support our journalism. Subscribe today.