Mayor Adams announced this week that he will communicate directly with New Yorkers — and avoid the media — by putting out a new subscription email newsletter. The Post’s Johnny Oleksinski has obtained his not-at-all-fake first issue:
It’s Eric, your favorite mayor. Your Swaggerer in Chief. Are you sick and tired of the papers telling you how it isn’t? Well, in my new newsletter, “Nobody Puts Eric In The Box,” I’m gonna tell you how it is.
New York is back, baby!
Our numbers are soaring, our statistics are on the rise and Midtown is full of . . . people.
I know, I know, you’re saying, “Eric! Shouldn’t you be running New York instead of writing this weekly newsletter?!” Eric hears you. And to you he replies: It’s on my dime. When I do my dime, I can do my time and I don’t want to hear anyone whine. That clear? Good. Let’s talk about the issues.
I am not going to rant and rave about our city’s violent crimes, like the media wimps do. No way. I am not gonna mention a single one of them, because if you’re able to read this, you’re all good!
And Keechant and I are proud of the orange-vested turnstile guards we’ve stationed in the subways. Their Wordle streaks are huge.
After-hours when the sun goes down and the DJ gets loud, I have been having conversations with real New Yorkers — at Zero Bond, at Osteria La Baia, at the Met Gala — and you all keep telling me the same damn thing: The only thing making you feel unsafe is meat.
You guys wanna go vegan. No more porterhouse at Peter Loser, no more cow-killing at Keens. Straighten your spines with some spinach.
Eric has been eating kale and celery (and the occasional bigeye tuna) for seven years, and it keeps him going all night long. My tab at Zero Bond is longer than the 1 train. This is how I flow. So I know that our kids don’t need charter schools to thrive — all they need is a Boca burger and a Poland Springs. Screw Academies called Success, give our children watercress!
And I pledge to work with Governor Hochul as dedicatedly and as closely as any Democrat in Albany does.
(But I’ll get her impeached before she takes away my stove.)
Kathy and Eric are actually hard at work on addressing the city’s migrant crisis right now. I call it my “Visit Syracuse” campaign. The dining, the nightlife, the, uh, uh, uh, the dining. Don’t snooze. Cruise the ’cuse.
And that’s newsletter #1. Get on my vibe and press subscribe.
And next time you see a man passed out in a shopping cart full of Big Mac wrappers and dirty flip-flops in front of your building, and you get mad at Eric, remember my greatest accomplishment: Not being Bill de Blasio.
