The Big Impact of Thinking Small

“Do small things with great love.” -Mother Teresa

“Small things often” is a Gottman Institute motto, and personally, I find it pretty reassuring. Essentially, the little stuff we do matters, often a great deal more than the fancy trips, grand gestures, and expensive gifts we typically associate with love and romance.

It's like how showing up to work each day matters a lot more than showing up to work once a month with donuts. We would all love the donuts, of course, but we’d also be wondering where our coworker had been the past three weeks. The donuts are a delicious, albeit insufficient, peace offering after that kind of prolonged absence.

How you show up for each other daily and connect through the chaos? Those are the everyday moments that ultimately build your life together.

The "Small Things Challenge"

Scott Stanley and his colleagues came up with a "small things challenge" of sorts more than a decade ago. Can you think of one or two things your partner would enjoy (or appreciate) that you normally wouldn’t bother to do? Choose something you can do pretty often that won’t be a huge hardship for you. The goal is for it to be relatively easy to incorporate so it actually sticks. If it requires too much planning, time, or money, it will go by the way of most New Year’s Resolutions and last a few days, or weeks, at best.

Think small sacrifice, big impact.

For my husband, I thought of back rubs. I’m not a huge fan, but he loves them. After committing to this challenge, I made more of an effort to rub his shoulders after dinner for a minute or two on my way to start the dishes or put the salad dressing back in the fridge. It’s a very small gesture. It takes almost no time or effort, but I just wasn’t doing it before. Every time I stop to rub his shoulders now he closes his eyes, exhales deeply, and thanks me. It's meaningful to him. For you, it might be waking up a few minutes early to brew the morning coffee, or sending a midday check-in text.

If you’re a parent, similar principles apply to our kids. What little ways can we show extra care, attentiveness, or support without having to restructure our entire lives? Can we build in five more minutes for bathtime play, or leave a silly joke or note in their lunchbox? How about a dance party in the kitchen together while you make dinner each night?

Grit in Relationships

Angela Duckworth studies grit, which she boils down to passion plus perseverance. In relationships, passion gets our attention. But lasting love demands a certain steadiness too, the part that digs in and takes root.

Relationships are solidified in the crucial moments of connection and effort when we show up for each other, again and again. “True love” is just loving without ceasing. It’s not flashy or romantic most days, but it’s undeniably present—love in action.

So, luckily for most of us, love doesn’t have to be over the top, novel, and extravagant to count.

While beautiful homes and white picket fences catch our attention, they’d fall to pieces without the nails.

Never underestimate the power of small things.