Should You Disclose Personal Flaws to Your Partner?

Romantic relationships develop through quality time, involving expressed affection, but also dialogue and disclosure. What do you talk about? Obviously, both partners want to make a good impression. But does that include disclosing flaws? And, if so, how much? Research has some answers.

Sharing Personal Failure

Jessica J. Cameron et al. explored the consequences of revealing personal failures in a study aptly entitled “When Self-Disclosure Goes Awry.”¹ They began by recognizing that although there are potential benefits to self-disclosure, people with lower self-esteem tend to avoid revealing too much. In a study that involved disclosing failure feedback to dating partners, they found that results were linked to self-esteem. Participants with less self-esteem suffered negative consequences and relationship distress after disclosing personal failure; participants with higher amounts of self-esteem benefited from the disclosure.

In explaining their results, Cameron et al. note that people want self-disclosure to prompt caring, understanding, support, and responsiveness in a partner. They note that people avoid disclosures that might portray them in an unflattering light to prevent embarrassment, disapproval, and social rejection. They recognize that this is true even within the context of romantic relationships, where “popular culture and lay theories” suggest partners should feel safe. Cameron et al. note that people with less self-esteem often experience anxiety about how much they are valued by a significant other, and experience a higher degree of concern regarding the impression they make.

The Fallacy of Feelings

On the positive side, Cameron et al. acknowledge that feelings are not factual assessments of what a partner really thinks. While dating partners with lower self-esteem might feel unsupported and devalued after disclosing personal failure, they did not find that partners actually viewed the disclosing partner negatively. They refer to this as a perceptual error on the part of the low self-esteem discloser. In fact, they note that low-self-esteem individuals experienced perceptual error even when a partner provided supportive feedback. If partners recognized this misperception, it could save relationships from the relational distress caused by a discloser’s defensive distancing behavior after disclosure.

Cameron et al. note that people with higher levels of self-esteem reported enhanced perceptions of support and closeness after disclosure, as compared to concealing personal information. So it appears negative personal self-disclosure itself is not the culprit, but the way its impact is perceived by the discloser—which affects subsequent behavior. They describe their findings as suggesting that “self-disclosure is not the panacea of mental health that some have claimed and that its beneficial effects may be limited to more secure individuals, at least in the short-term.” They also note that the belief that self-disclosure builds intimacy may be only true for people with high levels of self-esteem who experience greater security and feel valued by their partners.

Relationship Reality Check

Sharing flaws can often be a healthy, beneficial part of a developing relationship. No one is perfect, and imperfection is often endearing, rather than off-putting. One way to facilitate healthy self-disclosure appears to be working to improve the perception of partner responsiveness. When self-disclosure is met with professed support and positive feedback, consider such sentiments authentic. Responsive partners build trust and intimacy, and often reciprocal self-disclosure, which builds beneficial relationships.