The So-Called Fear of Rejection

Blue lies are lies that one tells to benefit or protect their group. Group members often view blue lies as morally permissible and even virtuous. It seems that almost everyone lies. In my research, 95% of people report lying in any given week. Some of those untruths are white lies—small dishonest statements usually told to avoid social awkwardness or to benefit another. Some lies are more self-serving or selfish lies aimed at covering one’s misdeeds or gaining some advantage. These are referred to as black lies. But there is a third category of lies that fits neither of those categories: blue lies.

Many of us approach change through self-shame. Shame activates our fear-response system, which is counterproductive to lasting change. Science shows us that self-compassion is a more effective approach. As January wanes, so too may your resolve for positive change dwindle. For many of us, January starts with a ray of...

A common complaint from partners is that the other is passive, doesn't initiate, and needs to step up to handle responsibilities. Drivers may include seeing the relationship in terms of traditional roles, avoiding conflict, having ADHD, and feeling criticized or neglected. Changing these patterns means addressing their underlying problems, crafting...

I've learned that when my autistic son has an outburst or meltdown, we must summon our empathy. Our focus must not be on making him stop. When he is upset, we must listen wisely to find the key to calming him. Our response must be "can do," not "we can't."...

Narcisstic personality disorder is rare. Studies have found that approximately one percent of the population meets the criteria. Most people with narcissistic personality disorder are not violent. But NPD seems to increase violence risk. Those with NPD often exploit and manipulate to protect their image and get needs met. People...

One of the most common after-effects of childhood attachment trauma is the development of a harsh inner critic. At the root of self-hate and self-neglect are conditioned beliefs that they aren’t good enough to be loved or cared for. Feelings of self-hate and self-neglect can generalize to self-sabotaging behavior...

The term “weaponized incompetence” describes what happens when one person gets their way by falling into a pit of incompetence. One example is a couple whose roles and habits clashed on the fields of marriage and parenthood. Their change in relationship dynamic took practice and repetition. Soojin* and...

Behavioral economists have long spoken about mental labor in terms of economics—people usually think of effort in terms of costs and payoffs. According to the "law of least effort," people find exerting either physical or cognitive effort aversive or costly. Some people—such as mountaineers and Rubik's cubers—choose to exert...

There is unavoidable emotional pain when those we care about are threatened or suffer. Most of our stresses and upsets come from needless suffering that we cause ourselves, which is the opposite of being at peace. Strengthen neural networks in the brain that support spacious mindfulness, staying in the present,...

Awe is an emotional experience felt when individuals encounter powerful experiences, such as works of art, giving birth, or nature. The feeling of awe evokes a sense of wonder and can transform the way we see the world. The experience of awe can make us feel diminished and insignificant. Encountering...

Emotional individuals tend to make poorer decisions. It’s normal to want what others have, but this can become deceptively destructive. Measuring one's present self against one's past self, instead of against others, is a good way to combat envy. Envy has long been a destructive force in human relationships...

From the very beginning of our lives, we need another person to reflect back to us that they see us in all of our complexity. We want to know that we can be loved even with our flaws, imperfections, and negative qualities. Mirroring is mutual. The person who reflects to...

It is common to get caught up in emotional baggage about family issues. When tragedy strikes a family, you tend to blame yourself or others you’re close to. Letting go of guilt, anger, and negative emotions helps you to move on. To move past the past often involves forgiving...

Are you pursuing a career or relationship that are not true to who you are?. Our lives are fleeting and precious. It is easy to deny the reality of our own demise, but wisdom comes from confronting our own mortality. What does it mean to think like a therapist? That...

Not everyone realizes how powerful words can be. One negative statement can negate thousands of kind and thoughtful words we have said to someone. It's important to consider how our words—both negative and positive—will affect others and ourselves before we use them. I think everyone agrees that words...

Positive effects of responsiveness to others include compensation for weak inner expectations and a tempering of rigid inner expectations. Negative effects of responsiveness to others include antisocial and self-destructive behavior, enabling addicts, and ignoring one's own needs. A balance between responsiveness to inner and outer expectations is good, but an...

Moms are often blamed when their kids behave in unwelcome ways. Some kids suffer from complicated conditions that aren’t easily seen or understood. Kids who act out in school aren’t necessarily naughty. They might be struggling with ADHD, anxiety, autism, or an undiagnosed disease. When I was pregnant,...

Caring for family members who are in vegetative states can feel like an ambiguous loss. In addition, caring for family who live in a different country can bring about additional difficulties. Reliance on social networks for instrumental and emotional support can lessen the difficulty during this time. Self-compassion is another...

A discrepancy between explicit (conscious) and implicit (unconscious) self-esteem is associated with anger suppression and negative affect. Emotional dysregulation is a key component in the association of low self-esteem and physical aggression, anger, and hostility. Programs to support healthy self-esteem include those that support the cultivation of emotional intelligence and...

The Ponzo perspective illusion is a classic illusion in which two identical objects appear to be different sizes. Measuring the strength of the illusion can seem arbitrary and subjective. A fun, hands-on group activity teaches students about the scientific method and individual differences in perception. The Ponzo perspective illusion was...