Hello, world. My name's Stephen LaConte, and this is Hey Stephen — a cozy little corner of the internet where BuzzFeed readers like you can DM me for advice.
Today, we've got this woman, who found a mysterious red hair inside her boyfriend's underwear while doing laundry. The boyfriend insists he has no idea who it belongs to, but she can't shake the feeling he's cheating. Should she dump him? Here's what she wrote to me, via Instagram:
My reply...
Well, I certainly don’t think you should kick him out over one unidentifiable hair; that alone is not conclusive evidence of cheating. But if this discovery is part of a larger issue in your relationship — if it's just the latest on a long list of suspicious things about your boyfriend, and your gut tells you something is off — then maybe this should indeed be the hair that breaks the camel's back. Only you can make that call, but I'll give you some things to think about as you weigh your options.
Let's start with the hair itself: I do think you should at least consider the possibility that it came from an innocent source. There are plenty of non-scandalous ways a stray hair could end up in a pile of dirty laundry. And frankly, from a purely logistical standpoint, for this small hair to go from the supposed other woman, to your boyfriend, to his boxers, to the floor, to the laundry pile, and then to you sounds...unlikely. Not impossible, by any means, but unusual! If there's a housekeeper or a dog in the picture that this hair could belong to (which your boyfriend indicated, and which you did not really dispute in your DM), then I think that's a reasonable explanation.
BUT — and this is a big but — it sounds like you jumped to this cheating conclusion so quickly, and with so much conviction, that I have to wonder if there’s more to the story that you're leaving out! Like, does your boyfriend have an overly flirty coworker or a too-close-for-comfort ex who also happens to have bright red hair? In that case, your laundry discovery would carry a little more weight. Or, do you have reason to believe your boyfriend wasn't actually at Lowe's on the night he said he was? Then you'd certainly have something to be suspicious about, if not the hair.
Or maybe what's missing from this picture is your boyfriend's general pattern of behavior within your relationship. Does he have a history of cheating on you or flirting with other women? Do his actions put you constantly on edge, desperately searching for evidence that he might be sleeping around? If so, let me assure you that you can dump this man right now, regardless of who that strand of hair belonged to. If your boyfriend’s behavior leaves you in a constant state of paranoia, insecurity, and fear, that’s all the evidence you need to break up with him.
And if there isn't anything missing from this story — if your boyfriend is truly a standup guy who has never given you reason to doubt him, and it's just this one singular hair that's sending you into a tailspin — then I think you need to consider whether the problem here could actually be you. Absent of any other suspicious factors, finding one unusual hair in your boyfriend's laundry is not a good reason to burn your entire relationship to the ground, and the impulse to do so might reveal some larger trust issues on your part.
As the old saying goes: "If it's hysterical, it's historical." When we have an outsized, disproportionate reaction to something, it's often because a past trauma is resurfacing for us — whether we realize it or not. Are you particularly wary of being cheated on because of something that happened in your past? Is it possible you're carrying baggage from an old relationship into this current one? If so, I think you should address that — not by dumping your boyfriend, but by working on yourself. That involves genuine introspection and a willingness to change. Sometimes it involves therapy, too.
I think there's a lot more you need to examine here — about your boyfriend, about yourself, and about your relationship together. But one thing you don't need to examine any further is your boyfriend's dirty laundry. The answers you need are not in the hamper. They're likely right in front of you. Good luck.
Last week, we heard from this woman, who's grappling with some trust issues with her fiancé. Earlier this year, she cheated on him and got caught. They're both committed to working through it, but she recently found him snooping through her phone. Does he have a right to snoop, given her past mistakes? Here's what she wrote to me, via Instagram:
My reply...
Your fiancé's paranoia right now is fair. His decision to deal with that paranoia by snooping is not. Even partners who've cheated have a right to basic privacy (with one tiny asterisk, which I'll get to in a bit). It sounds like you and your partner are both hoping to bring your relationship to a better, healthier place, but you won't get there by sneaking around behind each other's backs or violating each other's trust.
Now, it's true that some people who've cheated will willingly give their partner access to their phones, as a means of rebuilding trust. If that kind of transparency works for a couple, more power to them. (And, of course, it's not snooping if it's consensual.) But I certainly don't think this arrangement should be a requirement after a person cheats, nor do I think it is inherently sketchy or a red flag if the partner who did the cheating still wants some degree of privacy in their communications moving forward.
It's also worth noting that as far as cheating scandals go, yours is hardly the worst the world will ever see. Don't get me wrong: Cheating of any kind is awful, and there's no excuse for it. But from your description of things, this was not some serious, emotional affair, nor did it escalate beyond a kiss. This is not the sort of thing that should force a person to relinquish all personal boundaries and submit to 24/7 monitoring from their partner. Your fiancé would have been well within his rights to break up with you over this kiss, no question. But if he's going to stick around, he needs to keep his response proportional to what actually took place.
So yes, I absolutely think you are allowed to assert your right to privacy here — but it matters how you communicate it. If you're just snatching the phone out of his hands and saying "Don't look at that!" you're probably not doing much to quell his anxieties. You can be firm, but explain your reasoning: "Snooping through my phone is not OK. It's important that I'm able to have private conversations with my friends and family without feeling like I'm being watched. That doesn't mean that I'm doing anything to violate our relationship. You don't need to know that my friend just had a huge fight with her boyfriend, or that my sister's IBS is flaring up again. If you're ever concerned that I'm texting [old coworker], please talk to me instead of snooping."
OK, and here comes that one tiny asterisk to your privacy that I mentioned before: If your fiancé is concerned that you're texting your old coworker, I think you should let him view your communications with that one particular person (or ideally, your lack of communications with them). That seems reasonable enough, provided that it doesn't become a daily demand, or something he wields against you as a punishment, or something that goes on forever and ever. But in this early stage of repairing your relationship, if he needs the rare reassurance that your fling is over, it can't hurt to let him see the proof with his own two eyes.
And while he works on giving you his complete trust again, you should focus on earning it. It sounds like you're already taking some positive steps in that direction. You're owning up to your mistakes, being introspective about them, and addressing them in therapy. I wonder if you've considered bringing your fiancé along to some of those sessions — or maybe it's worth finding a separate couples counselor to help the two of you navigate this period of healing. A professional, objective third party might be able to open up better lines of communication between the two of you and give your fiancé some healthier ways to cope with any lingering mistrust.
Oh, and one last question before you go: Does your fiancé have a history of snooping? You mention that he learned about the cheating from your texts. It's possible this happened innocently (like, maybe you handed the phone over to him, and a flirty message popped up on the screen). But if snooping has always been a habit of his, I think he's unlikely to stop now that he's actually found something incriminating. (Interestingly, in your DM, you also express some doubt that he'll stop. Another reason I'm wondering if this is a recurring behavior.) Before the commenters get into a whole debate about who would be worse, the cheater or the serial snooper, I'll offer my two cents: At a certain point, it doesn't really matter who's worse if you bring out the worst in each other. Don't you think?
I hope his snooping was a one-time, reactionary thing that he'll never do again, and that your cheating was a one-time, impulsive thing that you'll never do again. I think you both can move past that. But if these violations are indicative of larger patterns in your relationship — if you've got a history of lying to him, and he's got a history of doing shady things to catch you — then maybe this isn't a relationship worth keeping. You can only rebuild trust if it was there in the first place. Good luck.
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