Navigating Household Gender Inequality

Sociologists use the term "neo-traditional" to describe a common family construct in 2022: a couple with both partners working outside the home, both contributing to household income, but with the majority of household labor—including cognitive labor—falling on the shoulders of just one person.

Academics generally agree that the average household labor split remains steady at around 35 percent/65 percent. And most often, the responsibility for the 65 percent portion falls on the shoulders of either the female partner or the partner doing female-coded tasks.

The negative consequences of household inequity can affect both partners, including professional limits for the person doing female-coded tasks, and emotional limits for the person doing male-coded tasks.

In attempts to help couples resist falling into neo-traditional patterns and find household parity, I tend to focus my research on people in male-coded roles. Through storytelling from men already living in equal partnerships, I try to normalize household parity. For this reason, my debut book Equal Partners: Improving Gender Equality at Home and my first Psychology Today post revolved around male behaviors, including common archetypes: King of the Castle, Hands-On Husband, and Equal Partner.

But partners do not exist in isolation. By definition, partners live their lives in cooperation with one another, and our actions greatly affect the partner with whom we share a home. To better understand the consequences of one partner only doing 35 percent of the household work, I find it helpful to categorize how some of those "65 percent" people cope with living in neo-traditional relationships. The following archetype descriptions are abridged excerpts from Equal Partners, and explain four possible responses to living in neo-traditional relationships.

(Note: Although categories are most often applied to women and I tend to use the pronoun “she” as a placeholder, anyone can find themselves in a 65 percent role, regardless of gender identity.)

Embracing

Embracers are the people in the 65 percent role who genuinely like their role. Embracers do not necessarily believe in a universal sexual division of labor. They might be feminists who support gender equality broadly, but, personally, Embracers are happy with the unequal division of labor at home. They often feel pride and satisfaction in keeping a nice home for their family, and often show their love by "doing" (e.g., cooking, cleaning, baking, preparing). One could even go so far as to say an Embracer’s identity is partially linked to her domestic role, and she draws a sense of confidence and empowerment from her ability to take care of her family.

Accepting

This category describes those 65 percent people who accept their role in the home, but would not go so far as to say they are happy with it. If they were able to snap their fingers and have their partner do more, they would. But they have also found a way to get through each week without too much discomfort.

To do this, Acceptors are likely to have part-time or flexible work schedules and/or strong support networks—for example, grandparents in town who can babysit at a moment’s notice. It might be easier to be an Acceptor if there is some disposable family income to pay for summer camp, a cleaning service, or meal-kit delivery. The Acceptor is probably good at prioritizing and has come to understand which tasks are required and which tasks are optional. When one is strategic about which balls to drop, one can usually get by without too many people noticing what hits the floor.

Coping

This category is similar to the Acceptor, but I believe the key difference is best measured by the amount of “frazzle” they feel. People who are Coping are frazzled, and of course, they wish their partner did more. They are not at peace with their situation. A person who is Coping feels the full weight of being the cognitive laborer, and they are drained as a result.

Those Coping also might not have the support network that the Acceptor has. I think we all saw quite a few women move from being an Acceptor to (barely) Coping during the coronavirus pandemic when support systems and self-care options literally disappeared overnight. Without reliable help and periodic moments of relief, many in the Female Role watched both their professional lives and emotional health deteriorate.

Resenting

For this 65 percent person, feelings toward their partner start to turn sour. This person feels resentment and even animosity toward their partner. Someone who is Resenting feels unheard and ignored; they may or may not have reached out for help, but either way, they can feel alone and trapped. Their schedules and responsibilities feel like a physical weight on their body, dragging them deeper and further out of control. Resentful partners often need to vent about their situation, and it might even help to have friends who are also Resenting so they can validate each other’s feelings.