Republican pitch for people worried about abortion bans: How about a discount on diapers?

Don’t worry, Americans. While Roe v. Wade may have been overturned, Republican lawmakers across the country have suddenly realized babies are expensive and mothers require health care.

To that end, after decades of encouraging people to lift themselves up by their onesie-straps, some GOP lawmakers are talking – emphasis on the word "talking" – about expanding medical coverage for mothers and offering discounts on things like “baby supplies” and “items vital to the health and well-being of babies.”

It appears to be their way of saying, “Sorry about that whole ‘taking away your right to bodily autonomy thing’ – here’s a coupon good for 30% off diapers!”

During Friday's gubernatorial debate in Texas, Republican Gov. Greg Abbott was asked if he thinks emergency contraception is OK for victims of rape or incest because Texas law would now prevent them from getting an abortion.

Worried about an abortion ban? We'll help you with ... things

Abbott said: “They’re going to know that the state, through our Alternatives to Abortion program, provides living assistance, baby supplies, all kinds of things that can help them.”

Did you hear that? All kinds of things! And you were worried restrictions on access to reproductive health care might be a problem.

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Babies don't cost more than a few hundred dollars, right?

In Ohio, Republican Gov. Mike DeWine announced a slew of new ideas Friday, including eliminating the sales tax on diapers and other baby needs. A flyer promoting the “Ohio Bold Beginning” program boasts: “By eliminating state and local taxes on these products, we can save families with young children hundreds of dollars each year.”

Wow! Hundreds of dollars. I imagine that will make having a baby almost profitable!

An abortion-ban sales pitch for the upcoming midterm elections

To help my Republican friends better promote these amazing steps toward caring for people whose bodies they now exert control over, I’ve compiled the following sales pitch for the upcoming midterm elections.

Here goes:

Hello female voters, particularly suburban women who vote!

We here at the Republican Party want you to know we have heard your concerns about the overturning of Roe v. Wade, and we are taking action.

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It's not an abortion ban, it's a savings opportunity 

First off, don’t think of the laws we’re enacting as “abortion bans.” Think of them as opportunities to rake in some great discounts on baby supplies!

While we may have restricted your ability to make decisions about the right time to have a child, we have BIG PLANS for (temporarily) helping you not pay taxes on the diapers, formula, car seats, cribs, wipes, bottles, strollers, rockers and other things we have been told women need to successfully grow a baby.

Imagine the joy you’ll feel when you buy $150 worth of baby supplies you can’t afford and your gracious Republican-controlled state government pays for none of that, but doesn’t ask you to pay sales tax!

Turns out pregnant people sometimes need medical help

And the benefits of being viewed as a birthing vessel by your elected representatives won’t stop there. Now that we’re allowed to ban abortion, we here at the Republican Party have suddenly realized that lower-income people who get pregnant sometimes need medical help! Who knew?

Ohio's DeWine has promised to work with his state legislature “to provide Medicaid health coverage to more pregnant women and children, by increasing eligibility to working families who make up to 300% of the federal poverty level.”

What a novel solution to a problem that definitely didn’t exist prior to June 24, which coincidentally happens to be the day a U.S. Supreme Court decision overturned Roe v. Wade. (Isn’t life quirky?)

We Republicans are suddenly very concerned about pregnant people!

Anyhoo, you can rest assured we Republicans are now super interested in making sure women at all economic levels have access to everything they need throughout their pregnancies. (DISCLAIMER: Everything they need not included.)

Some of you may think the things we’re now proposing – like increased access to prenatal care and Medicaid as well as longer maternity leave – have long been promoted by Democrats. To which we say: Calm down, now. Don’t get hysterical! You’ve got a baby to worry about.

We pass the savings, and the responsibility, on to you!

And you can relax about the future as well, because we also have plans to help young parents with child care and other expenses. What are those plans?

Yes.

In conclusion, as you go to vote this November, remember: We aren’t restricting your right to choose. We’re expanding your right to great savings!

More humor and satire from Rex Huppke:

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Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on Twitter @RexHuppke and Facebook: facebook.com/RexIsAJerk