10 reasons why New Jersey is better than Colorado

Dog the Bounty Hunter. He's from Colorado. Thanks, Colorado.
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They think they’re better than us!

By “they,” we mean everyone. All 49 other states, who regularly use New Jersey as a punchline and have contributed to our notorious ranking as the most hated state in America.

But if you live in New Jersey, you know this is all hogwash (not the hogwash used in pork roll production, the other hogwash).

Everybody here knows New Jersey is freaking awesome. So awesome, in fact, we’re pretty sure it’s the greatest state in the country. But we need proof.

Fueled by blind Jersey pride, we are setting out to systematically pit the Garden State against every other state — yes, all 49 — to explain exactly how and why we are simply the best. One battle per week, published each Monday. Stay tuned.

Last week made old news of New Mexico. Before that it was (deep breath) Texas, Oklahoma, Nebraska, South Dakota, North Dakota, Minnesota, Iowa, Missouri, Illinois, Michigan, Indiana, Ohio, Kentucky, Tennessee, Arkansas, Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, Florida, Georgia, South Carolina, North Carolina, West Virginia, Virginia, Maryland, Maine, Vermont, New Hampshire, Rhode Island, Connecticut, New York, Pennsylvania, Delaware and Massachusetts.

Now we’re onto Colorado. Which is whole lotta mountains and not much else.

Here’s 10 reasons why we’re better than Colorado:

1. Have you guys ever been to Colorado? How was it? Days of altitude sickness, you got too high and came back to New Jersey? Cool.

2. Oh, the splendor and majesty of the Rocky Mountains — you know who else has mountains? New Jersey, and we don’t make it a whole thing. Also, weed is legal here, too, now. Literally no reason to leave the Garden State. Ever.

John Elway was a great player. Not such a great executive. (AP/Jack Dempsey)

3. Colorado named its most successful sports franchise, the Avalanche, after an earth-shaking event of terror that kills people. Also, the most famous athlete in Denver history is probably John Elway, who won two Super Bowls for the Broncos. You know who else won two Super Bowls? Eli Manning. Know what he didn’t do? Ruin his franchise as the team’s GM. Eli forever. Also also, the Nuggets have the worst team name in all of professional sports.

Travelers queue up to move through the north security checkpoint in the main terminal of Denver International Airport on Thursday, May 26, 2022. (AP Photo/David Zalubowski, File)

4. You think Newark Liberty is a rough airport? Try Denver International — pure mayhem, regularly ranked as one of the country’s busiest airports, and you might get hit in the face with a ski pole. And it’s apparently haunted!

5. New Jersey has Bruce Springsteen. Colorado has The Lumineers (singer is from New Jersey), OneRepublic (boring), The Fray (somehow more boring) and John Denver, who isn’t even from Colorado. Like, at all. Nathaniel Rateliff is cool, but come on.

Scott Avett and Seth Avett of The Avett Brothers perform at Red Rocks Amphitheatre on July 1, 2018 in Morrison, Colorado. (Photo by Matt Winkelmeyer/Getty Images)

6. Red Rocks Amphitheater seems like a nice place to see a concert. So is the Stone Pony, and you don’t have to climb a freaking MOUNTAIN to get there!

7. Colorado is yet another state that has tried and failed to make good pizza. “Colorado-style pizza,” also known as “Mountain Pie” is so thick, soft and cheesy that it could make a Domino’s manager blush. And there’s honey in the crust? That’s not a mountain pie. That’s a cow pie.

8. Speaking of cows, guess what Rocky Mountain Oysters are! Spoiler alert, not oysters! We have those in Jersey, and they’re delicious. Know why? Because they don’t come from the undercarriage of a bull.

9. Duane Chapman, aka “Dog the Bounty Hunter” is from Colorado. How can a job that Star Wars made seem so cool turn out to be so lame? Easy. Give yourself the nickname “Dog” and wear your hair like you’re cosplaying as Joe Dirt.

10. Weird town names? Weird town names. We’re pretty sure no one is leaving New Jersey for Hygiene, Last Chance, No Name, Troublesome, Old Roach, or Dinosaur, Colorado. Okay, that last one is kind of cool, but still, Jersey forever!

Bobby Olivier may be reached at bolivier@njadvancemedia.com. Follow him on Twitter @BobbyOlivier and Facebook.

Jeremy Schneider may be reached at jschneider@njadvancemedia.com and followed on Twitter at @J_Schneider and on Instagram at @JeremyIsHungryAgain.

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