Hilariously sarcastic police post details fake cop vs. man with hand in his pants

BANGOR, Maine (TND) — A Maine police department's "marginally world-famous" Facebook page is raising eyebrows and generating thousands of reactions on social media.

Retired Lt. Tim Cotton, the social media manager for the Bangor Police Department, is the sole creator of the "Got Warrants?" column on the department's page.

"I become giddy when certain stories cross paths with my keyboard and me," Cotton starts off in his latest tale.

So, let's dive right into this.

There are four main characters in this "exclusive and remarkably true" story.

1. Retired Lt. Tim Cotton
   
2. "Lt." Webb
3. Man
4. Woman

According to Cotton, a man was sitting on a bench at a city park one recent August evening. The fireflies were fire-flying, the crickets were cricket-ing. A short distance from the man was a woman seated on another bench.

The man "appeared to be calmly sitting and staring" at the woman. While this may seem like the beginning of a lovely story, Cotton "doesn't write those."

This "triple P (Possibly Perverted Perpetrator?)" was sitting in a way that didn't meet the "vague community standards that society has come to expect from park bench-sitters." Basically, he was sitting on a park bench with his hands in his pants.

Enter the hero (or villain, depending on who you ask) Lt. Webb and that's where the story gets "discomballbulated."

Cotton, who warns hyperbole is frequently used in his posts, poses the question, "If Lt. Webb is a 'cop,' discomballbulated can be a word. Right?"

Webb, not a real cop but still wanting to dress like one for some reason, was in Davenport Park as the unidentified man was "pulling a one-handed deep-dive into the items within his own pants," as Cotton so-poetically puts it.

The woman, "who was the object of the distant affections of the unordained visionary missionary of the Church of the Open Beltline," just so happened to be Webb's girlfriend or wife (I'm not sure which; she's listed as both so maybe meet in the middle and say, fiancée?).

"Sidenote: the man has been previously warned about calling himself 'Lieutenant Webb of the Maine Statewide Police Department,'" Cotton interjected in his post. Donning a police utility belt, black boots, dark pants and a uniform shirt with a generic police insignia, complete with a set of handcuffs, Webb certainly looked the part.

It should be noted that the incident occurred in the vicinity of a national doughnut chain," Cotton wrote. "Need I say more?"

Despite Webb not being an actual cop, he didn't hesitate to jump into action after seeing "the manipulative actions of the man with his hand down his pants." Suddenly, the "palm-sanding Cassanova" was being violently handcuffed by Webb (still not a cop) in a false arrest situation.

A woman witnessing all of this (not the one on the bench from what I can tell) called the police department's dispatch center for backup, hoping to help Webb. Webb asked a different man visiting the park to help him. The man, believing he was doing the right thing, helped Webb take the now-victim into false custody.

"The Habeus Grabus got pretty violent, but with the help of the bystander, Lt. Webb got the man fully cuffed; handcuffed, that is," Cotton said, adding the victim was "holding his own in the melee."

Once officers arrived on the scene "fully dazed and confused" about what just happened, "the dynamic duo of Dragnet dorks" were ordered to uncuff their prisoner. One witness not involved in the arrest said she was "very familiar" with the man taken into custody by Webb, saying he commonly keeps one hand down his pants. The now-uncuffed and falsely arrested man agreed, saying his go-to hand positioning was down inside his trousers. He also added he was not doing anything "untoward" toward the woman in the park (AKA "Lt." Webb's quasi-wife).

As I said, the law is one thing, but bad manners and hand positioning are another situation altogether," Cotton reminded his devoted readers.

"Similar to how he wears his pants," the fake indecent conduct charges Webb fabricated were dropped.

"The bench-sitter was told he was free to leave and was advised that he might take an opportunity to find a new place for his hands. He agreed," Cotton said. "At last sighting, his hand was still down his pants while he wandered away."

Now for Webb, "the former, never-to-have-been lieutenant" was charged with assault and for violating his probation. The district attorney of Penobscot County will review the case for further charges.

Cotton finishes off his post with some helpful tips:

• Avoid eye contact with men who keep one hand in their pants
• If you are approached by Lt. Webb of the Maine Statewide Police Force, ask for proper identification
• When eating lunch on a park bench, utilize Clorox wipes on all surfaces that encounter any part of your body or sandwich
• Never shake hands with a man in a park
• Avoid men who are not cops who tell you they have handcuffs, especially if they are currently being openly displayed on a pouch on their belt

Cotton also added if you, dear reader, are interested in becoming a police officer, his department is hiring. However, you will be required to take a polygraph and undergo a psychological evaluation.

"We will ask you what you do in parks, where you keep your hands when talking to others and if you happen to have your own handcuffs," Cotton said, a man who is commonly believed to be the type who keeps his hands "where you can see them."

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EDITOR'S NOTE:Cotton said he has taken multiple polygraphs and numerous psychological exams. He does notfrequent parks. He does,however, have his own handcuffs.

The National Desk reported from Baltimore.