3 Things to Do When Negativity Sours a Relationship

Dear Mariana,

My partner of two months and I went away for the first time this weekend. This was our first time spending more than five hours together and engaging in "everyday life" tasks like cooking and laundry together.

I had a terrible time. When we stopped to grocery shop at the start of the weekend, I wanted to buy foods I like but didn’t because he said they weren’t in season. I like cooking, but when it came to making meals, he told me I needed to use more salt, and the way I used a knife when I cut towards me was dangerous and he showed me how he uses it instead. He even corrected me in how the dishes I washed were stacked because he said they would dry faster another way.

It felt like I couldn’t get a minute of peace. I love him but after this weekend, I worry about how things could work long-term. Do you have any advice?

[Anonymous Reader]

Hi there and thank you for writing.

First, if you’ve noticed an underlying pattern of continuously being criticized in a way that seems as though the goal of your partner’s behavior is to discredit, isolate or control you, please speak to a therapist who will help you in determining whether this relationship is right for you. If this is not the case, please read on:

I want to start by saying that your feelings are valid. After all, this was supposed to be an exciting and relaxing trip with your new partner. You likely never expected things to turn sour based on your previous dating interactions together.

Your feelings are normal: research shows that happy couples experience positive and negative interactions during a conflict in a 5 to 1 ratio, where for every 1 negative interaction, there are 5 positive interactions. It sounds like you had quite a few negative interactions and you may be in a positive interaction deficit (Gottman, 1994).

As a result, you may be experiencing "negative sentiment override," a concept by Weiss (1980) which suggests that when we feel negative emotions, this can cloud our ability to see even neutral or positive statements, attitudes, and behaviors as negative.

In your case, feeling negative emotions by not purchasing your desired food based on what he noted may have made you think "he's criticizing my chopping skills" instead of "he's worried I might nip my fingers or really hurt myself in case the knife slips" when you were cooking later on.

It's also important to note that your relationship is still relatively new. When we start a relationship, according to the Stimulus-Value-Role theory, which I write about here, we find important changes through time: We begin relationships with superficial traits like education and looks being particularly important to us, but as time goes on, we find that the values your partner shares become more important than these "stimuli." Once more time passes, values become less important, and the role we take in the relationship rules supreme.

This weekend was your first taste of what daily life might be like and the roles you might assume long-term. It sounds like you took on the role of the person who primarily cooks and cleans and he presumably took on another role while still being critical of yours.

This may lead to role confusion and likely result in irritation and general negative affect. Having a partner who is critical of the role you’ve taken and, especially one you may feel proud to take, would inevitably cause you to feel slighted: People don’t like being criticized generally, never mind for something they enjoy doing and believe they are skilled at.

Knowing how you feel, what can you do moving forward?

1. Assume the best (unless it's become a pattern, or your needs and wants are ignored following a clarifying conversation). Is he being critical just to slight you or is he stating his preferences? If he more disagreeable in personality, he might have no trouble airing his thoughts without realizing how it might affect you. You note that you didn't purchase food you wanted because your partner aired grievances: Did you have a conversation about purchasing the foods you like regardless of it they are in season or did you decide not to purchase them without protest? Are you more agreeable in personality and therefore find it difficult to enter into a conflict? If so, this might mean you won't be heard in your relationship because you might avoid having a conversation to negotiate for what you want, which can lead to feeling resentful.
2. Take a moment to reflect. Is what he saying meant to hurt, or to help? For instance, using a sharp knife in the kitchen can be dangerous (spoken from personal experience). Are his criticisms about using a knife meant to level you or is he genuinely worried you might get hurt and wants to help prevent it? If it's the former, reconsider the relationship - healthy relationships don’t involve one partner degrading the other. If it's the latter, consider why you might feel badly, and whether you may be resisting potentially helpful change.
3. Have a conversation. Set a time to talk about it. He may be completely oblivious about his continuous "helpful suggestions" and the effect they are having on you. Explain as clearly as you can how you feel starting sentences with I-statement (such as "I feel...") and following them with specific examples "when you criticize my cooking," for instance, in a calm and compassionate tone of voice. Through conversing, you can make a plan for moving forward. Is there a better way he can engage you in conversation that feels less critical to you? Can you clarify the role you’d like to occupy and what that means for you? Can you work on speaking up when little irritations occur instead of having them accumulate and getting into negative sentiment override? Can you find "quick wins" like asking for a hug to gain positive interactions and use them when you're beginning to feel negative affect?

Although it may not feel like it, this weekend was a big step for you both, which presents a lot of opportunity for reflection and growth.

Wishing you well on your journey!

Mariana

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