Building a Relationship with Respect: The Bank of Civility

In every relationship, there are consequences for each action. These consequences may be negative, resulting in a loss of trust, or positive, resulting in enhanced feelings of love. The effects may be large and immediate or imperceptible and graduated. These results stem from the choices we make. We all make choices. How we choose to respond to our “fears and anxieties about relationships” directly results in how good or poor they are (Beverley, 2004/2008). That’s where the bank of civility comes into play.

The bank of civility is a metaphor for the repository of feelings in a loving relationship built upon trust and mutual respect (Culkin & Culkin, 2021). When one partner chooses to invest in the relationship by complimenting or being courteous to the other, a deposit is made. Contrarily, the partner who chooses to swear at the other partner and take the person for granted makes a withdrawal. Overall, it is the choice and action of being taken for granted that hurts the couple because neither partner will have access to the investment that could have been deposited. Over time, a negative balance can bankrupt any relationship. Put another way, either partner can make a withdrawal from a lifetime of positive, life-affirming investments. Love has an ineffable way of providing infinite rates of interest in any relationship.

How can you work together to build your own investment? It can be little things such as saying thank you for even the smallest things, like passing the salt at dinner. A person may feel it is a bit silly or even old-fashioned to exhibit such chivalric behavior, but it is a way to remind each other that they are continually present for each other. Each partner has value in a very real way. Perhaps unexpectedly, this sense of a partner’s value can increase over the years with events that remind us of life’s frailty—the death of friends, parents who have cancer, heavy life events, etc. Death certainly has a way of putting life in perspective. At the same time, depositing positivity in the bank often extends beyond simple courtesies. Sometimes, partners must take very difficult actions (such as apologizing or forgiving) to deepen the relationship. Much like a charity donation fund, partners must constantly look for opportunities to donate their resources (think ‘love’, ‘time’, and ‘trust’) to develop such a worthy cause as a lifelong, committed relationship.

How do you invest in your bank? Maybe it is time to build up some relationship capital. We have found this especially important in our marriage, which also has an OCD component.