Managing Grief After Losing a Child

Losing a child, whether anticipated or unexpected, can bring overwhelming pain. The grief that follows the death of a child is likely to feel paralyzing and endless. With time, healthy coping tools, and help from loved ones and professionals, however, the worst parts of grief will eventually pass.

This article provides an overview of common grief reactions, options for seeking help, and ways to cope.

Grief Journey After Losing a Child

There is no time frame for grief, and it doesn't happen in stages or checklists. Grief is experienced uniquely by each person and comes and goes in different ways over time. You can think of grief as a bumpy, winding road that sometimes causes slowdowns and sometimes feels smooth.

The emotions parents experience while grieving the loss of a child vary considerably from person to person. They may also change from one day to the next. Some of the emotions you might experience include:

• Overwhelming sadness
• Feeling like you can't go on
• Feeling guilty or wondering if you could have done something
• Inability to function or complete daily tasks
• Shock or a sensation of numbness
• Confusion
• Anger or rage 
• Denial
  

Grief, especially from losing a child, is not something you get over. Grief ebbs and flows and changes with time. Some days will be very hard and others will be a little easier. Eventually, grief should feel muted and in the background but most likely will be present in one way or another throughout life.

Types of Grief

Grief can come in many different forms and the way people experience grief changes over time. Healthcare providers talk about different types of grief, but remember that grief is different for everyone and no one follows a precise pattern of grieving after the loss of a child.

Acute vs. Integrated Grief

Acute grief is the immediate response following a loss. During this time, it's common to be in shock or disbelief and to have a hard time processing the death. The focus tends to be on memories of the person who died, and it can feel all-consuming.

During acute grief, a person's experience tends to be internal, and it's common to avoid other people and normal activities for a while. The circumstances of the death can also impact the severity of the reaction. Death from violence, suicide, and unexpected deaths are often more difficult to cope with.

Although acute grief can be overwhelming and extremely painful, most people are able to move through their bereavement over time. Grieving is not a straightforward path or a series of stages to move through, but a back-and-forth journey that constantly moves between pain and joy, difficulty and positive experiences.

Eventually, the worst parts of grief should ease and allow space for finding enjoyment in life again. As this happens, grief is becoming integrated. This means that, while grief may always be present on some level, it does not control or define the person anymore.

Complicated Grief

For some people, intense grief reactions continue for a long time, and grief doesn't become integrated on its own. When grief causes ongoing worry or rumination about the death, or when a person avoids talking or thinking about the death or becomes stuck in experiencing the most painful parts of grief without relief after several months have passed, it's called complicated grief.

For those experiencing complicated grief, it may feel like the acute grief phase is never-ending. It's common to have difficulty moving through grief in a healthy way and finding meaning from the loss, and many people even consider suicide.

Complicated grief is most common in those who have lost a child. In these circumstances, a mental health professional can help with processing the loss and working through complicated grief to be able to confront the death and heal from the pain.

Help for Parents Grieving the Loss of a Child

For many grieving parents, it's natural to want to isolate from others during bereavement, especially those who bring reminders of the death. It may be painful to answer others' questions, to talk about yourself as a parent who lost a child, and to get through normal daily experiences..

It's also important to look for support while grieving the loss of a child. Whether it's professional help or peer-based, asking for help can be difficult. Yet, seeking support can help you bring meaning to the loss and work through the most difficult parts of bereavement.

Try accepting offers for food and other gifts, and push yourself to spend time with others in small amounts. Remember to set boundaries where you need them and that on some days it will be easier to spend time with people than on others.

Therapy

Sometimes, it's helpful to speak to a professional to work through the grieving process. When grief does not naturally become integrated over time and remains intensely present and disruptive, a grief therapist can provide the tools to work through the painful memories and experiences of child loss.

Many parents will experience complicated grief while living through a child's death, and it's normal to need support to cope with the loss; the challenges that might come up in relationships with a spouse, family members, and other loved ones; and the interruption to daily life.

To find a grief therapist, look for a licensed mental health professional, such as a counselor, social worker, or psychologist, who has specialized training and experience in grief work. Medical professionals and health insurance providers can provide referrals to mental health professionals, and online provider searches can help narrow down options by various preferences.

Support Groups

Working through child loss can be a lonely experience. Through support groups, grieving parents can come together with others who are coping with similar circumstances. Knowing that others are going through the same pain can bring comfort, and sharing coping strategies to help others can bring a sense of purpose to bereavement.

There are different types of support groups:

• Peer-based groups: These are often run by a peer facilitator who shares a similar experience. The focus of the group is to bring connection and support to each participant.
• Clinical support groups: These are run by a mental health professional and are often formed by a therapist creating a group from individual therapy clients. Ask a grief therapist about opportunities for these types of support groups.

Managing Personal Grief

Grieving the loss of a child is extremely hard. One of the most important ways to cope is to take things slowly and not have expectations about how long the painful feelings should last or when grief should be "over."

Grief does not happen as a series of stages to work through or tasks to complete, but as an ongoing presence that moves back and forth between being extremely difficult and muted in the background.

Here are some tips to help work through grief:

• Don't ignore your feelings: Pay attention to them and allow yourself the time and space to feel your emotions as they happen.
• Ask for what you need: Whether it's a meal, help with picking up a child from school, or time off from work, tell people when you need help and accept it when it's offered.
• Get involved in something: Find an activity that brings you comfort or joy and commit to it. Be sure not to use activities as a way to ignore your feelings, but as a temporary distraction that reconnects you with other people and positive feelings.
• Honor your child: Find ways to bring meaning to your child's death. Some ideas are to make a donation to a charity in their name, volunteer with an organization that reminds you of your child, and participate in activities your child enjoyed. Celebrate your child's life with other family members and friends, and be sure to ask surviving siblings how they want to honor their sibling's life as well.

Helping Other Children Who Are Grieving

After the loss of a child, it's important to pay attention to the deceased child's siblings. Sibling grief is a type of disenfranchised grief, which means it's not recognized or supported by peers or society. Thus, grieving siblings need a chance to express their feelings, get support, and learn coping strategies. Depending on the age of the child or children, they might need help learning how to process the many feelings that come with bereavement.

It's also important to pay attention to how siblings are grieving because surviving siblings will take on the grief of their parents. As parents grieve, they often give less emotional attention to surviving children. This, in addition to the painful experience of losing a sibling, can affect their health and well-being and have long-term impacts.

For example, research has found that children who lose a sibling are at greater risk for poor academic performance, troubled relationships, substance abuse, and early death.

Managing Grief as a Family

Grief can impact your relationships with other people in your family, including your spouse, your other children, and your child's grandparents. While you are grieving, it is important to both acknowledge the grief of everyone else in the family and to spend time grieving privately. Some of the things you can do as a family include:

• Finding time to grieve together while also giving each other space to grieve alone
• Recognizing and accepting that everyone in the family may not be grieving in the same way
• Establishing family rituals to honor and remember the deceased child
  

Summary

After losing a child, it's normal to experience a wide range of emotions, including despair, sadness, anger, and longing. These feelings will be most painful initially during the acute grief phase. Over time, though, the most difficult emotions associated with grief will become easier and will exist in the background rather than be all-consuming.

For many parents, though, losing a child can be so hard to handle that grief becomes complicated rather than integrated. If grief is still raw and extremely painful, or if it brings out mental illnesses like depression, severe anxiety, or other concerns, it's important to seek support from a mental health professional.

Other things that can help are support groups, accepting offers of help from others, and finding ways to bring meaning to the death. It's important to also pay attention to the needs of siblings as they mourn.