How to Cope When People Let You Down

Human beings seem to be constantly pursuing two independent but related paths of development. One is our own personal development, in which we focus on how we understand and define ourselves, and grow as an independent person. For example, we may define ourselves based on how we like to take care of our health and well-being, our line of work, or our hobbies and interests. Another way is how we relate to others—the types of relationships we want to have. These may include our relationships with family, friends, colleagues, romantic partners, and communities to which we feel connected.

When we are functioning in a healthy way, our life becomes an ongoing dialectic in which we are perpetually trying to develop ourselves as individuals and connect with others. We feel at our best when these two lines of development are optimized and in sync. We know who we are as individuals and are achieving what we want to accomplish in our life. We have also developed a strong social network that makes us feel connected, supported, and understood. Perhaps best of all, we feel that the people with whom we are connected really understand us as individuals and support our life’s vision and goals. It is during these times that we often feel joy, fulfillment, security, and a sense that we are thriving. Some people describe this experience as feeling whole.

Perhaps this is why it can feel so jarring and disruptive when the people in our lives let us down or disappoint us. This feeling of being “let down” by others can come in many forms. Sometimes we feel let down because of seemingly minor or transient reasons. Perhaps someone didn’t call us back, follow up on something that was happening in our lives, or follow through on plans. In many cases, these disappointments can be resolved in a way that the connection remains. But we can be let down in more profound ways, such as a romantic break-up, or having friends lose interest in maintaining a connection. And we may experience harmful and even traumatizing experiences if the people we love and trust are unfaithful, abusive, or otherwise mistreat us.

If we are frequently let down by others harmful ways, our sense of feeling whole can give way to something different—feeling broken. Not only do we feel that there is a breakdown in the connection we have with someone else, but we also begin to question the very foundation of our self-concept. We may stop feeling so sure of ourselves and the notion that we have everything “figured out.” We may start to question ourselves—who we are and how we connect to others. Do we really have everything figured out? Is there something about us that has brought upon this bad behavior in others? Can we trust ourselves to pick the right people to have in our lives? Do we know how to develop and nurture satisfying relationships?

In those moments, the stakes feel high. If we are threatened with a binary choice of feeling broken or whole, it feels like an “us” or “them” decision. Do we protect our sense of who we are and what we want in our lives at all costs and disconnect from the person who has let us down? This may include disparaging the person who has let us down—thinking that they were somehow broken—and convincing ourselves it was all their fault. This might preserve our sense of feeling whole for the time being, but we may miss a valuable opportunity to mend the relationship and grow from the experience.

On the other extreme, are we so fearful of being broken that we do anything we can to keep the connection in place? Do we sacrifice our sense of our morals, values, purpose in life—and perhaps endure harmful or even abusive situations—just to avoid any rupture to our connections? In this case, we might be calling ourselves “irrational.” We could convince ourselves that we are overreacting, or “missing” what’s really going on. Or, maybe we simply decide we don’t have the strength, will, or path forward to deal with the disappointment. The consequence of this choice can be devastating, as we suppress and avoid our true feelings to stay “whole.” In essence, we sacrifice ourselves to be connected to others.

So, what do we do when someone lets us down? I have been thinking a great deal about this topic since talking with singer-songwriter Jewel on The Hardcore Humanism Podcast about her new album, Freewheelin’ Woman. During our conversation, she discussed a number of ways that she has been horribly let down by others, including experiencing abuse and theft from family members as well as sexual harassment from her boss, resulting in her becoming homeless. We also talked about the anxiety she experienced that resulted, in part, from others letting her down in such profound ways. And based in part on this conversation, here are some possible steps that we can take to cope when we are let down by others.

First, one key takeaway from the conversation with Jewel is the idea that when we feel that something feels wrong—such as being let down by others—we are not broken. Rather, this is a sign that something is right with us, that we are in fact whole. She likens feeling such anxiety to an alarm system that signals danger. So, when we feel let down by others, instead of dismissing ourselves as irrational or overreacting, it is critical that we listen to our feelings and honor them as being relevant and important. Once we have dismissed the notion that feeling disappointed is a sign that we are broken, we are no longer trapped in what can feel like a binary choice of being broken or whole.

Second, part of our feeling whole is learning from our feelings about what has occurred in our relationship. We can identify the discrepancy between what we had hoped for and how a particular disappointment may challenge how we think about a given relationship. Further, we can assess the damage that this letdown has done to our sense of ourselves as an individual. Has it shaken our sense of who we are and how we feel about ourselves?

Next, once we accept that our feelings are not an indication that we are broken and are able to understand our pain, we are in a position to figure out how to cope with the situation at hand. The first thing we should consider is whether we need to create a boundary to avoid further pain and suffering. As an example, if we are involved in an abusive relationship, it is of the utmost importance, if possible, that we get to safety so that we are not in physical or emotional danger.

Once we have established safety, we can decide whether there is a benefit to trying to repair the relationship. In this case, we may want to be assertive with someone as to how we have been let down, the effect it has had on us, and what we would need from them in order to repair the relationship. For example, if we have a romantic partner who has been unfaithful, we may decide that this is a “deal-breaker” and end the relationship. But if we want to try and repair the relationship, we may want to explain why this has been harmful, how trust has been broken, and the steps that could be taken to repair the disconnect.

Finally, when someone has let us down, as we consider how to understand, cope with, and potentially repair the letdown, we must also consider the damage that this letdown has done to us as an individual. This may include giving us time to engage in healing, such as meditation, taking time off for vacation, or seeking medical or psychological help, if needed. Taking care of ourselves during difficult times reaffirms our commitment to feeling whole.

We must also examine the ways in which this event may have caused us to question ourselves as individuals. After a letdown, it can be responsible and constructive to examine what may have gone wrong and how we can avoid similar letdowns in the future. But we have to be careful that we don’t break ourselves in an attempt to avoid feeling broken. We can’t assume that this letdown is an indictment of us as a person—but rather part of our journey as a whole person to continue to understand ourselves and how we relate to others.

So, remember, when we are let down by others, it is not a sign that we are broken, but a sign that we are in the ongoing process of being whole.

For free tools for mental health check out Jewel's Never Broken website.