Jessica Saum does not really believe that the man who held a gun to her head and pulled the trigger lives inside her head.
But she hears his voice still.
In September of 2018, Saum watched as two of her co-workers were shot by a former employee who came to rob the place.
She was about to be shot next when the gun jammed.
She survived with no physical injury, but she’s had to do a lot of work on her mental health to get to where she is now.
“There are a couple of seconds that I can't remember,” said Saum. “I was flat on the ground, it was seconds. It’s something I struggle with. Not to come off as nuts or anything, but sometimes I think I died in that moment. I struggle with that for sure. In therapy, we work on it.”
Saum says the killer, William Wood, killed a piece of her that night.
“I didn’t come out of that restaurant as the same person,” said Saum. “I have to live with this thing that hurts all the time. I’m learning to get through it.”
Therapy is helping. Saum sees a therapist and a psychiatrist who prescribe the medications that help her get through each day.
“Things that people don’t assume would be difficult are challenging for me. Closing doors? That is difficult for me,” said Saum.
“William Wood came from behind a closed door,” Saum recalls. “If I go somewhere, I have to know where all the doors are, or I have to have people open or shut it for me. It is one of my little things.”
Wood is serving state and federal prison sentences for his crimes and Saum confronted him at both of the sentencing hearings.
“I thought after court he would go away,” Saum said. “I think sometimes he is the bad voice in my head. I don’t think he’s actually in my head, but when I have good thoughts or when things are going really well – he is there to try to shut it down. But I overcome a lot of that. Those have become less and less because I’ve gotten too strong for him.”
Saum is also at a point in her therapy and recovery where she is able to give back.
On a recent Saturday, she was a guest speaker at a staff meeting at the downtown Syracuse restaurant Apizza Regionale.
She stood before the staff, saying vigilance is critical.
She told staff to know who they are around and urged them to always be careful.
“It is something I would never want any of you to go through. Coming that close to losing your life is something that changes you,” she told the Apizza Regionale staff.
Saum was speaking to the waitstaff as part of her volunteer work with the charity Two Chefs From Above, which was formed to honor the two men who were killed at Chili’s.
Giving back to the restaurant community by telling her story and advocating for personal safety measures, proper lighting, locks, and cameras at restaurants is something Saum says she does because she has to.
“I couldn’t stop my life because something horrible happened,” Saum said. “Because what am I teaching my kids? That you stop? No, you have to be able to overcome the worst possible things.”