How to Help a Child in Grief

Over the last couple of years, the mental health of children has been under attack. The physical world became even more augmented through the lens of phones and social media at a time of historic levels of social disconnection and emotional confusion.

Pre-pandemic grief events, both big and small, continued regardless of this new reality: the death of loved ones or pets, divorce, or sickness. As pre-teens become teenagers, they enter a period of cruel self-judgment and sexual confusion. Parents are tasked with the formidable assignment of attempting to guide while simultaneously grappling with the new normal as an individual.

Understanding the Grief of a Child

Role development begins in the nonverbal phase of infancy and continues as the infant becomes more socialized, matures into adolescence, reaches adulthood, and enters into old age. “Identification” is a process through which children observe the behavior of others to determine who they are and how they choose to behave.

The early identifications are perhaps the most potent. They occur when children model the behaviors of their parents or caretakers. As children develop, they can decide which modeled behaviors to retain and which to abandon. The identifications help shape and form the roles the child will play later in life. The self is a distinct identity that is perceived by others through these roles.

Children who are sexually, physically, or verbally abused may go into what is called a dissociative state. This means their personal conscious awareness is interrupted and a safe, protective emotional numbing takes over as a way of “removing” the person from the traumatic situation. Everyday grief events like grappling with the unknown, overwhelm, and burnout from school and related activities slyly build into bigger grief events. This trauma can lead to a lost sense of self and a halting of active self-discovery.

Helping a Child in Grief

• Give permission to grieve. Start by creating space for the child to actively grieve. Do not pressure them. Let them grieve in their only time and no one else's. For smaller grief events, create a space for discussion free from outside pressure such as time or social obligation.
• Ask questions. Ask in a paced and unobtrusive manner. Don’t pressure them to answer you, take this as an opportunity to set an example of poise, patience, and acceptance amid the ethos of confusion.
• Answer questions honestly. Put feelings into words and phrases they understand; advise them on what to expect in the future inside their own emotions and from the outside world.
• Lead by example. Though it is difficult to put grief aside, remember children are vulnerable and take cues from the way the caregiver copes with the loss.
• Don't stop celebrating their achievements. Often, children become more inventive, better at sports, or more insightful when they have lost a loved one or a pet. This can also occur when smaller grief events build and become too difficult to process at face value; perhaps the language of asking for help is still foreign. This is an opportunity to educate the child and yourself about the complex relationship between deep mourning and everyday activities of life.
• Build up social activities. Find ways to be social at a comfort level that everyone can agree on. Regular social interaction with friends or family during child development helps broaden their understanding of their own social face; pushing back on self-judgment attachments to the understanding of the Self. Have nuanced discussions with the child or children and find other parents or guardians to discuss familial mental health needs.

Guidance: Balance Messages

Talking, talking, and talking some more with children and your own peers is a major part of processing, but keep in mind that the grieving process can never be forced. If it's hard to summon patience with your child during this process, try to take into account when and how the childlike sense of naivety enhances your own experience and when it causes complacency.

This practice adds needed space and pacing to heated interactions, watering the garden of familial understanding and empathy. Simplifying is good too—but be careful not to oversimplify, as it can also become a way of retreating from the task at hand. Create a present, continuous yet patient, and open connection with the child in this new world.