Why Narcissists Feel So Entitled

We all have a good idea of what narcissistic behavior looks like—we notice it from the micro level to the macro level, from social circles to politicians and international celebrities. In essence, and according to the DSM-5, the handbook of psychiatric diagnoses, narcissism is defined by its pattern of symptoms. These include a sense of grandiosity, a consistent need for admiration and positive attention, and a marked lack of empathy or awareness of the needs of others.

When researchers try to pin down exactly what it is in the system that gives rise to narcissistic behaviors, it is clear that entitlement is a significant part of the trait (Edershile & Writing, 2022). All of us may experience a little bit of entitlement at certain times in life—maybe on our birthdays, we want a little extra attention. Maybe when we’ve reached a significant milestone, we may feel entitled to a special reward for our achievement. The difference in narcissists is that they experience an omnipresent sense of entitlement regardless of whether or not they are seen as “worthy” of special or deferential treatment.

Narcissistic Entitlement

Edershile and Wright (2022) noted that narcissists have trait-level entitlement, contrasting with others who have “state-level entitlement,” which reflects its appearance occasionally, not consistently. However, the trait-level entitlement may be activating expressions of antagonistic behaviors which can come as symptoms of grandiosity or vulnerability, the two primary forms of narcissistic behaviors.

What is fascinating about trait-level grandiosity and vulnerability is that they both can co-exist simultaneously in people like you and me. Some days, we feel super pumped about ourselves and ready to conquer the world. Other days, we may feel like we’ve been conquered by the world, as in after a break-up or a difficult day at work.

Threats to Entitlement

However, when a narcissist’s entitlement is threatened, antagonistic behavior can be the immediate result. This can lead to grandiose behavior that they believe will win them back the approval and admiration of others. Their sense of entitlement rests on whatever evidence of recognition, esteem, and popularity they can scarf up from others. Grandiosity plays out in being the “life of the party,” love-bombing, over-the-top praise of others, generosity, and other “high visibility” acts of largesse that can feed the narcissist’s ego. The narcissist is trying to soothe their ego by using these behaviors to buy favor. When the grandiose narcissist is triggered, they seek out others and put on a happy face. This is diametrically opposed to how the vulnerable narcissist reacts.

On the other hand, vulnerability and its related narcissistic behaviors can also be triggered when their sense of entitlement is threatened. The antagonistic behaviors that pop up here are driven by a descent into a dark mood, diminished self-esteem, and a desire to “get back” what’s been taken, or “get back” at those who took it. Typically, what the narcissist feels has been “taken” is the adulation and respect they feel entitled to be given just by being them.

A narcissist who is threatened is either going to respond with increasing grandiosity, or state-level feelings of grandiosity and self-importance, or with state-level vulnerability. The sense of entitlement is hard-wired in narcissists, so the vulnerable narcissist will respond to threats by going on the verbal attack, giving someone the cold shoulder, and freezing someone out. Researchers note the “temperature” difference between which antagonistic behaviors are activated and expressed by grandiose and vulnerable narcissists. Grandiose narcissists like to generate a sense of warmth and bonhomie in their social connections as ways to feed their narcissistic hunger. Vulnerable narcissists use coldness towards others and disdain as ways to get their narcissistic supply met. They will tear down others to make themselves feel better. Grandiose narcissists feed on positive social engagements, so they are more careful to build themselves up and imagine that others find them as praiseworthy as they find themselves.

Strategies to Cope with an “Activated Narcissist”

Some of us may fall into a relationship with a narcissist before we realize what’s happened. Grandiose narcissists can reel us in through love-bombing and flattery that charms us. Vulnerable narcissists can reel us in with their neediness and our desire to give them the support and attention that they crave. Some of us want to be adored and grandiose narcissists can make us feel that way...until our adoration of them fails to meet their supply needs. Others of us may love to champion the self-professed underdog and enjoy the feeling of being needed...until we are not “enough.” Here are some strategies for keeping the peace if you are set on staying in a relationship with a narcissist:

1. Have a healthy support system beyond your romantic relationship.
2. Don’t take things personally. The narcissist is all about what serves them, not what serves others.
3. Set firm boundaries and maintain them. Once you’ve set a precedent of flexing for their needs, expectations shift immediately and irrevocably.
4. Your partner’s braggadocio is a cover for insecurity. Remember that when you are preparing to give constructive feedback. Do it carefully in a way that can be heard.
5. Engage in self-exploration to better understand how you came to be in the relationship, how it’s affecting your sense of self and your other relationships, and what keeps you in the relationship. By understanding yourself better, you can determine if remaining in the relationship is the healthiest choice.

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