Tika Sumpter is taking to heart what she considers her hardest job yet: vulnerability. In early 2021, the actor, producer, and entrepreneur had a miscarriage while on location for a role in Vancouver, Canada. Sumpter and her fiancé, fellow actor Nick James, had been trying for a second child so when she realized she hadn’t gotten her period in a while, the couple thought this was their chance. But when Sumpter began noticing stomach pains and then bleeding, she knew something was wrong.
“We’d started trying, but it wasn’t happening as quickly as we thought it would,” Sumpter tells SELF over Zoom from her Los Angeles home. “I went to the bathroom and it was like something out of a horror movie. There were globs of stuff coming out of me, like sheets of it. I remember being bowled over in pain by myself. I was literally on the floor like, ‘God, please take this pain away.’”
She called James to tell him what was happening and then called a friend, a nurse, who explained that she was having a miscarriage. While Sumpter was grateful for the support, being physically distant from her loved ones made the experience even more painful. “I was like, ‘Holy shit, this thing is happening and I have no one,’” she says. “There was no one to hug me and tell me it’s going to be okay.”
“I was in two different frames of mind,” Sumpter recalls. “It sounds terrible to say, but I knew we were in a time crunch for filming and I didn’t want to ruin it for everyone else. I was in pain and just trying to manage because stuff kept coming out of my body. I thought, You just got to keep it moving. Push through it. Just go.”
It’s a sentiment Marissa Nelson, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist and founder of Fertility Haven in Washington, D.C., has heard from clients before. “Many Black women believe the way in which we’ve gotten through a lot of hard things in life is by pushing through, and we often don’t even acknowledge the emotions that are there,” Nelson tells SELF. “There’s this armor many of us have been conditioned to have because there are a lot of things to do, and we don’t have time to sit in sadness, anger, resolve, or gentleness because we’re taking care of everybody else around us. It’s true for all women, but especially for Black women because we’re so used to giving and having to grin and bear it.”
But failure to acknowledge your feelings ultimately does your mind and body a disservice, as Sumpter soon learned. “I was telling myself, ‘It’ll be over, Tika. It’s not a big deal. People have miscarriages every day,’” she says. “I didn’t realize how much it affected me until I started talking about it to my friends. I can be so flippant about things that are hurtful sometimes, but when I mentioned the miscarriage to a friend and she said, ‘Tika, that’s a big deal. You lost something and that is real,’ I knew she was right.”
According to the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists, early pregnancy loss (before 20 weeks) is fairly common, with about 10% of confirmed pregnancies ending in a miscarriage. Oftentimes, such losses occur before the birthing parent realizes they were pregnant. While some spotting is common during pregnancy, heavy, clot-like bleeding, cramps, and other abdominal and lower back pain are typically signs of miscarriage.
“There are various reasons for pregnancy loss, but the next step that often comes up for people is wondering what they may have done to cause it,” says Nelson. “The most important thing is not to blame yourself. When you blame and shame yourself, you can prolong the grieving process because you believe that you’ve done something to deserve it.”
Although Sumpter hails from a large family, becoming a mother herself wasn’t always a top priority. Born in Queens and raised on Long Island, she left for Manhattan at the tender age of 17 on a quest to make her acting dreams a reality. And her ambition paid off: Along with her Sonic the Hedgehog franchise success, Sumpter’s impressive resume includes starring in OWN’s crime drama The Haves and the Have Nots for eight seasons and playing Michelle Robinson in 2016’s critically acclaimed Southside With You (a film inspired by the future first lady’s first date with then lawyer Barack Obama).
“I’ve always called myself a careerist,” she explains. “I spent my whole 20s and 30s trying not to get pregnant because I was so focused on me and my career. Motherhood was in the back of my head as something far off.” However, once Sumpter met James—her former The Haves and the Have Nots costar and soon-to-be husband—all bets were off. Early in their relationship, she was sure he would be the father of their future children, she says. Their daughter, Ella-Loren, was born in October 2016 and the couple got engaged shortly thereafter.
“She was kind of a happy accident,” Sumpter reminisces. “I found out I was pregnant the day I went skydiving. I remember I wanted McDonald’s, which I normally don’t eat. I wanted a Big Mac and french fries at 10 a.m.” Later that day, the couple learned they were pregnant. “We had only been together for about a year, so we were still getting to know each other, but we said, ‘We’re doing this.’ My journey to motherhood has been, ‘It’ll happen when it happens,’ and it did just happen.”
But when it didn’t happen the second time around—at least not the way she thought it would—Sumpter found solace in her faith. “To be honest, I felt like the only person I had was God,” she shares. “I would write in my journal and I would pray. There’s only so much people can do for you over the phone. At the end of the day, you’re going to sleep with yourself. You’re going to sleep with the pain. You’re going to sleep with blood oozing out of you. You’re going to sleep with something that is so foreign to you. All I had was my faith.”
In addition to seeing her own therapist, Sumpter and James go to couples therapy every week as well. “I have the best fiancé, and not just on Mother’s Day or my birthday,” she says. “He just keeps loving me, even if I push him away or I’m upset. I really feel like that’s a gift when somebody can love you no matter what—even when you judge yourself.”
As one half of SugaBerry, an audio-based media company for and by Black women, Sumpter realizes how important it is for women to own their narrative, confront difficult emotions, and embrace vulnerability. “At SugaBerry, we always say, ‘We don’t sip tea, we share suga,’ so in order for other people to be vulnerable with me on The Suga (SugaBerry’s parenting podcast), I started uncovering so many things about myself,” she says. “We’re in the age of vulnerability where people want to know more about who you are. I always feel like the more I share, the more people will feel validated in their own lives; that they’re not the only ones going through something.”
For Sumpter, this means getting honest about her struggles and evolution as a mother to five-year-old Ella-Loren, for one. “As mothers, we’re often so tough on ourselves in every single way—on top of having to wade through the water in our jobs and being judged all the time,” she says. “Motherhood is another backpack. We love it, and we’re happy to have it, but a lot of the time Black women especially will carry everybody on their back, plus extra bricks, and not complain.”
“I’ve accepted that it’s okay if you’re not at every moment of your child’s life; you’re not going to be at every game,” Sumpter continues. “We want to be there all the time, but I focus on the times I have been there as a mom. And I’ve also been at work, which means a lot to me too. So does being with my friends.”
That delicate dance between motherhood and ambition is a topic Sumpter and her business partner, Thai Randolph, discuss frequently on The Suga. The podcast was also the inspiration for Sumpter to share candidly about her miscarriage.
“Sometimes you need to keep stuff for yourself until you’re ready, and now I’m ready,” she says. “Ready to say, ‘I see you, and this is a piece of me that I’m giving to you so you know you’re not the only one. You’re validated in your feelings, and I’m a sister who loves you.’”
And it’s that sharing with others—versus suffering in silence—that can be so fundamental to healing, no matter what you’re struggling with, says Nelson. “Reach out to your support systems—find a trusted friend you can confide in, talk with a therapist, or find a community of support. Don’t hesitate to ask for what you need,” she suggests. “And you may also want to ask yourself, ‘How do I feel my pain and use it to be in service to others?’” Uplifting other people who are dealing with similar circumstances can give you a sense of purpose and be mutually beneficial for well-being, Nelson says. Sumpter agrees: “Even if telling my story just helps one person, it’s worth it—you don’t know what someone else is going through.”
For anyone else who has experienced pregnancy loss, Sumpter offers a reminder that you’re not alone: “There are so many women who have gone through this silently. I have some type of privilege in this world, and I still didn’t tell anybody,” she shares. “Take a moment of silence for yourself. It’s a grieving process. Take a moment to breathe.”
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