Greg Gutfeld: Celebrate the people who work to keep America going

What a great Monday it is for you, me and America, because our audience is back. You heard them. Take that Wuhan lab. I don't feel very well. And we're in a brand-new studio. Yeah, so they tell me. Although I did find one of Chris Wallace’s old toupees and my dressing room – smelled. 

But no more taping from the men's room at Denny's, though, I'll leave those cameras up just in case. But check this place out. 

Let's do a sweep around here. How beautiful is this? So. Yeah. They did a great job and an amazing job. I haven't been this excited since Geraldo removed all his clothes to get a booster shot of his left arm. 

Yeah, he couldn't just roll up his sleeve. He's the only person I know who takes his shirt off while getting a pedicure. You should see what he did for his colonoscopy. Or, as he called it, exploring Al Capone's vault. Never let him forget it. 

GREG GUTFELD: THE LEFT IS EMBRACING CENSORSHIP

But tonight, we got great guests, right? Mike Rowe is here tonight. Talk about a guy who loves to roll up his sleeves. But he looks great rolling up anything, including a dead body in an area rug. Who hasn't been there? 

And there's the great Jon Taffer. He's been in more hairy dives than Jacques Cousteau and he’s closed more dingy bars than Kat Timpf on St Patrick's Day. 

We're also happy to be back at work. Unlike a group of Apple employees who claim it's racist to force them to return to a physical office. Again, wouldn't it just be easier at this point if these babies listed the things they don't think are racist? 

But they claim that in-person work would make Apple's workforce whiter, more male dominated and less diverse. They're called Apple Together, which is odd, given they prefer to remain apart. 

The employees wrote an open letter condemning returning to work after their CEO, Tim Cook, announced they would need to work in the office one day a week. Yeah, one day a week. What we call Biden hours. And Cook said they would ramp up from 1 to 3 days a week by mid-May. Three days.

Can you imagine if this keeps up? By 2024, they'll have to show up five days a week. 

This group is all about the oppressed, apparently, except for the 12-year-old Chinese girl chained to her workbench for 15 hours without a pee break assembling iPhones. 

Of course, you won't hear Apple Together saying they'll give up their cushy jobs and turn them over to the underprivileged. 

But tonight's monologue isn't about Apple. It's about feelings. Nothing more than feelings. 

We've become a culture that's decided that feelings cannot be questioned. So, we allow false concerns to muscle out real concerns. 

Now, they're no longer just employees. They're victims. Just think how dehydrated they could get from all that air conditioning. So why is this important? Well, my guests did not get to where they were in life based on protecting one's feelings and unlike me, not because of their good looks. 

No, they make things work based on harsh sobriety. Fact is, every hard job usually doesn't consider one's feelings unless that feeling is your thumb being sliced by a rotary blade. And even then, I'd say, put that thumb in your pocket and finish the job, and then you can go to the E.R. 

But in work that keeps society from literally crumbling, you shouldn't be relying on feelings at all. I don't want to drive across a bridge whose architect found out his wife was cheating, so out of anger he chooses balsa wood for the support beams. See the bridges, they have to stay up. And for that, you don't need emotion. You need engineering. Engineers are what make the world go round. 

They made it possible for those Apple employees to whine all day because engineers already did the heavy lifting. 

Now it wouldn't be such a problem if these emotive dopes stuck to occupations that don't affect the rest of us, like being a producer at the Seth Meyers Show or the vice president.

But the problem is they aren't, they're getting jobs at Apple which makes things. They get jobs at Disney, which grooms – I mean, entertains kids. They get jobs everywhere and they bring their idiocy with them. 

It's not a big deal if it's Netflix, but if they're supposed to make a sturdy bridge, that's scary. I mean, we're at the point where someone can argue that two plus two isn't really four, but it could, and may, identify as five. And why can't a number be non-binary, just like my math teacher who only shaved half her head? Imagine if other occupations worked from home. 

STAFFER 1: Joe's plumbing. You log them, we unclog them. 

STAFFER 2: Look, you've got to help me, okay. My toilet is spraying water everywhere. 

STAFFER 1: Oh, okay. No problem. We can do this on Zoom. Just hold your laptop over the bowl. And what's your toilet's password? 

STAFFER 2: Password? It's a toilet. 

STAFFER 1: Oh, it looks like what you got there is a toilet spraying water. Tell you what. Unplug it. Wait about 5 minutes, then plug it back in. That'll be 500 bucks for the consultation. I got to go; Mike Rowe is on line two. Stupid broads. 

Today let's celebrate work and the people who do it. They close their mouths, roll up their sleeves, and they get the job done. They do the math so we don't have to.