A Day in the Life of an Emotionally Neglected Couple

Childhood emotional neglect does not go away just because you grow up.

Being raised in a family that does not address your feelings (an emotionally neglectful family) launches you into your adult life without two things that you need for a healthy, happy, resilient marriage: full access to your feelings, plus the emotional skills to manage and express them.

It's difficult enough when one member of a couple grew up with emotional neglect. But when two emotionally neglected people marry, special challenges abound. Neither spouse has full access to their emotions and neither has the necessary emotional skills.

Exactly how does it feel to be in a double emotional neglect marriage? Below is a vignette from my book, Running on Empty No More: Transform Your Relationships With Your Partner, Your Parents & Your Children.

Olive & Oscar

Olive and Oscar sit across the table from each other, quietly having their Sunday morning breakfast.

“Is there any more coffee?” Olive asks absentmindedly while reading the day’s news on her laptop. Irritated, Oscar stands up abruptly and walks over to the coffee maker to check.

“Why does she always ask me? She’s so manipulative. She just doesn’t want to have to walk over to the coffee-maker herself,” he cranks inwardly. Returning to the table with the pot, Oscar fills Olive’s cup. Placing the empty carafe on the table with a slight bit of excessive force, Oscar sits back in his chair with a sigh and an angry glance at Olive’s still-bowed head.

Olive, sensing something amiss from the placement of the carafe and the sigh, quickly looks up. Seeing Oscar already absorbed in his newspaper, she looks back down at her laptop but has difficulty focusing on her reading.

“I wonder what’s going on with Oscar,” she muses. “He seems so irritable lately. I wonder if his work stress is coming back. It must be his job pressure getting to him again.”

After thinking it through, Olive makes a plan to avoid Oscar for the day in hopes that giving him some alone time will help his mood improve (with the added bonus that she won’t have to be around him). Olive makes a plan to ask him about work at dinnertime to see if he is indeed under stress.

Later that evening Olive returns from her errands and finds that Oscar has made dinner for both of them. Sitting down to eat, Oscar seems to be in a better mood.

After a brief exchange about Olive’s errands, she asks, “So how are things at work?”

Looking at Olive quizzically, Oscar answers, “Fine, why do you ask?”

“No reason,” Olive replied, relieved to hear him say it was fine. Do you want to watch the next episode of Succession while we eat?”

The TV goes on and they eat dinner in silence, each absorbed in the show.

What's Really Going On in Olive and Oscar's Marriage

This double-childhood emotional neglect couple seems much like every other couple in many ways. And yet they are very, very different. This type of relationship is riddled with incorrect assumptions and false readings. And unfortunately, neither partner has the communication skills to check with the other to actually find out what he is thinking or feeling, or why she does what she does.

Since neither partner knows how to talk about the frustrations and conflicts that naturally arise (as they do in every relationship), very little gets addressed and worked out. This is a setup for passive-aggressive retaliation that, over time, eats away at the warmth and caring in the marriage, outside of both partners’ awareness.

Small, indirect actions like carafe-slamming, avoidance, ignoring, and forgetting can become the primary means of coping and communicating in the relationship. None of them are effective.

The Danger of Emotional Distance

In the scenario above Oscar misinterprets Olive’s thoughtless absorption in her reading as “manipulative,” and Olive misinterprets Oscar’s irritation with her as the possible result of job stress. Instead of dealing with these issues directly at the moment, Olive chooses avoidance for the day. Her question to Oscar that evening at dinner is too simple and off-target to yield any useful information. She is left with a false sense of reassurance that Oscar’s mood magically improved and that nothing was really wrong in the first place.

So forward they go, into the coming weeks, months, and years, with Oscar viewing Olive as lazy and manipulative, and Olive on constant guard against a return of Oscar’s job stress. Drastically out of tune with one another, they live in separate worlds, growing ever distant from each other.

How the Double Emotional Neglect Marriage Feels

Olive and Oscar sometimes feel more alone when they are together than they do when they are apart. They are divided by a chasm as wide as the ocean. They each sense that something important is wrong, but sadly, neither can consciously describe nor name it.

Fortunately for Olive and Oscar, they actually have loads of potential. They each have plenty of feelings; they are simply not aware of those feelings or able to use them in a healthy, relationship-enriching way. At the heart of their marriage are companionship, history, concern, and love. All that is really missing is emotional awareness and skills, both of which can be learned.

Perhaps one day one of them will "wake up" emotionally and knock on the other's wall.

What This Means For You

As the above excerpt illustrates, emotional neglect is no one’s choice and no one’s fault. Talking with your partner about your own childhood emotional neglect may open the door to communication and change.

This means you must take a risk and knock on their wall. Seem risky or awkward? Maybe. But your knock is your invitation to a deeper, more fulfilling version of your love.

This post was also published on Psychcentral.

© Jonice Webb, Ph.D.

Facebook image: Anatoliy Karlyuk/Shutterstock