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IT’S BACK, BABY! (VAMP #1 IN AN ONGOING SERIES) There hasn’t been a full programme in the Premier League for absolutely ages, and so much has happened in our lives in the meantime. First up, matches were suspended in honour of Her Majesty. A new sovereign for the first time in 70 years. Then there was the international break, during which the pecking order between Scotland and England was restored in the former’s favour for the first time since the early-1880s. And then a couple of comedians forced their way into the grown-ups’ room and started mucking around with the national levers, throwing everything out of whack to such an extent that, if you want a hotdog at the match this weekend, you’d best take a wheelbarrow full to the brim with notes, coins, trinkets and family heirlooms, and get bartering. Then, after the game, tip the empty wheelbarrow upside down and live under the empty wheelbarrow, kept toasty-warm by the steam from your tears. The clear benefits of trickle-down economic policy, right there.