Doctor Who? Hugh Grant is ‘in talks’ to take over from Jodie Whittaker

Name: Hugh Grant.

Age: 61.

Location: Potentially anywhere in time and space.

Does this mean what I think it means? Do you think it means that Grant is going to play the next Doctor?

Oh. I thought it meant that Grant had literally become God. Well, no, if that happened it would probably be on the front page on the paper, not tucked away in pass notes.

Wait, Grant is going to be the next Doctor? Potentially, yes. It has been reported by the Daily Mirror that he is “in talks” to replace Jodie Whittaker.

I thought David Tennant was going to reprise his old role and return as the Doctor. No, no, that was just a rumour.

Whereas this is? Another rumour, but a better one because it’s slightly newer.

Wouldn’t this be slumming it a bit for Grant? Slumming it? As the lead on one of the BBC’s most iconic television programmes?

He’s doing the best work of his career right now. Isn’t Doctor Who a bit cheap and naff? Well, fine, it is a bit cheap and naff at the moment, and in a ratings rut, but returning showrunner Russell T Davies has promised to give the show a “Marvel-style makeover”.

Wow! So giant budgets and state-of-the-art special effects? No, I think he just meant that loads of minor characters would get their own spin-off shows.

Oh. But, hey, Grant might be the next Doctor! Isn’t that exciting? Wouldn’t he be great?

It does sound like a perfect fit. Right? I wonder how he’ll play it. Perhaps he’ll be a charming, bumbling, Four Weddings Doctor. But then again, he’s on the roll of a lifetime playing baddies. He was a murderer in The Undoing, a corrupt politician in A Very English Scandal, and a full-blown pantomime villain in Paddington 2.

So perhaps Grant could play the Doctor as a villainous antihero? Perhaps. Who knows? Davies probably has a better idea of where to go with Doctor Who than either of us, so we should just let him get on with it.

Wait, I’ve figured out a way to take the fun out of this. I know what you’re about to say. Please don’t.

Whittaker’s Doctor was heralded as a breath of fresh air, and now the role is going back to a white male actor. Yes, I know where this is going. But look, it’s Hugh Grant. Hugh Grant! Wouldn’t that be great? Wouldn’t it?

Do say: “I really feel, um, in short, er, to recap in a slightly clearer version, er, in the words of David Cassidy, in fact, while he was still with the Partridge family …”

Don’t say: “… There’s a Cyberman behind you.”