What's the secret to healthy and long-lasting relationships?
We talked to therapist Joe Butler from Joe Butler Therapy in Bellevue to gather some simple and effective ways to achieve happier and healthier relationships.
What would you say is the secret to healthy and long-lasting relationships?
1. Checking expectations at the start. Be careful about what you bring into the relationship. We long for certainty and perfection that doesn’t exist. The magic happens when we allow ourselves to be vulnerable (enough) to bump into each other and find these rough edges. People who are too polished slip off each other, and there isn’t real intimacy or connection. Notice what expectations you bring.
2. Basic communication. If you have these basic one on-one communication skills, it’s helpful. If you want to immediately increase your chances of being heard in a relationship, express your concerns with an “I statement.” “I feel when because.” By focusing first on our own experience, “I statements” keep us from attacking, blaming, and criticizing our partner. I coach the listener in responsive listening and to repeat back what you heard. The most important thing is that it stops your partner from getting in their head about their counterattack. It eases their defensiveness. They’re forced to pause and be more attuned to what you have to say.
3. Avoid mind-reading. Don’t assume what’s going on in the mind of your partner. Just ask, “How did you feel about this?” I try to help couples follow (their emotions) a little deeper than “angry and frustrated.” It’s kind of a secondary emotion. I find that when people peel back the anger, there’s usually some feeling of hurt underneath. This tends to encourage people to put down their defenses and makes them less likely to attack.
When conflict comes, what are some mistakes you see couples make?
The primary mistake couples make is that they don’t understand conflict is related to expectations. Maybe the expectation is that we don’t want conflict at all, that conflict is bad, or (we’re) supposed to be lovey-dovey and happy. Conflict is unavoidable, and it’s an essential part of building intimacy. This happens a lot, too: People turn up the volume. The motivation is a good one: They want to reach their partners. It’s hard for them to see that there is a desperate longing underneath to connect. Double down on things that don’t work. How can you walk back instead of being aggressive? Can (you) soften? Can (you) try to get to what’s under that anger?
What are some of the biggest problems that cause divorce or breakups?
If you don’t have secure attachment where there’s safety and flexibility and a process for repair, then you infect your resentment. If you keep going to your partner and don’t get what you need … there’s escalation. Often, we get bumped into these same negative loops over time. It starts with protest, you try to get what we want, it leads to sadness and despair, and at the end it’s resignation. There’s nothing. It’s more like this depressive state relationship, where we expect nothing from our partners. Ultimately, it just kills (the relationship) if there’s not a way to conflict transformation. Transform conflict into a dialogue where we understand each other and are responding emotionally and lovingly. The old “love is a verb” thing is probably too cliche, but I think it’s true. It helps if we think of love as a set of actions. Committed behaviors in a relationship where (you) act lovingly, (are) what creates safety, trust, and closeness. Acting in a loving fashion and not waiting for some feeling of love to fall out of the sky.
How do couples keep passion alive?
Most couples could benefit from being more ritualized in their connections: having ritual connection, micro dates, or things that they just do automatically. It’s helpful if they have the traditions or rituals that are built in the relationship around mealtimes or “good nights” or “good mornings,” vacations that they take, Taco Tuesday, or sex on Saturdays. You have to prioritize overlap. Also, being kind to each other and affirming things when you can. Having dreams and values together, the things we aspire for together, is important, so you have things that move you together into the future.