Ashes 2021-22: Australia win fifth Test and series 4-0 after England collapse – as it happened!

And that, my people, is a series. On behalf of all the OBO types, thanks for your company and comments – it’s been hilarious. Well done to Australia, I don’t even know what to England but I hope they get some time at home to enjoy, and see you again soon. Ta-ra.

Here’s Ali Martin’s report of the final day.

On the other hand...

Chris Silverwood says first and foremost, the batting hasn’t been good enough, and they need to look at why that’s happening. Pushed for an explanation, he begins by blaming bubbles and schedules, then references “other things” making wooly comments about structures and such.

He’s encouraged by the official acknowledgement that red-ball cricket needs a reset, and says that there are talented players coming through. Gower then presses him on mistakes off the pitch – selections, for example – but he says nothing specific, saying he’ll speak to people he trusts to get honest feedback, and pushed on his position, says there’ll be a review.

He seems a nice enough bloke, but I’m afraid there was nothing in that interview – no insight, no fire, no vigour – that makes you think he can sort this, and there never really had been. Someone will pay for this with their job, and presumably it’ll be him.

“Frustrating, that second innings,” Root tells David Gower. He notes that Australia got more runs than they ought to have done, scoring on both sides of the wicket, and England didn’t make the most of their starts, getting out to poor shots today.

Asked if he’s had the support of those above him, he responds to an entirely different question, saying there’ll always be poor sessions and performances, but the batters haven’t posted a decent total and you can’t win Tests if you don’t get 200 in either innings.

So Gower wonders what needs to change, and Root says he sympathises with the young guys, but they’ve got to learn quickly, though they’re not given much opportunity a level below this one. He won’t think about changing personnel now, as “there’s a lot of emotion flying around” – a proper sit-down is necessary.

Root also notes that the pandemic and schedule take a toll – “it does wear you down” – saying that it’s a challenge no one’s ever had to wear before and England have done it more than anyone else, but that doesn’t excuse the performances.

Back in the studio, we’re back on our old themes. Sort the system, be like New Zealand, pick the best players. And I don’t say that to denigrate the estimable Butcher and Cook, I say it because we all know what the answers and, yet we’re flailing about desperately because we also all know that those in charge have different priorities.

Cummins raises the replica glass urn, while back in the studio, Cook notes that he played in two five-nillers, but this series is worse than those – in roughly the way that a taser to the dress circle is worse than a baseball bat to the face or a donkey kick to the solar plexus.

Back in the studio, Mark Butcher says he wishes Gilchrist had gone as easy on his England team as he did on Root just there, but we’re now back in Hobart for Travis Head to get his player of the series award. Who saw that coming?

He prefers his ton in this Test than at the Gabba because of the conditions - I’m surprised at that, because the one in Brisbane took that first match away from England. He’s glad to get another shy at international cricket now he knows what it’s about, and says the batting unit is excellent and there’s serious competition for places. He thanks England, and can’t wait for tonight – I’ll bet. Imagine the joy and love he’s feeling right now - I’m feeling emotional at the thought and I’m just an idiot in a box room 10,000 miles away.

Cummins says these are the series in your diary as an international cricketer, and he extols his attacking options tough chortles that Lyon won’t be thrilled with his use of them. He also namechecks Boland, Green and Richardson, thanks the governing bodies for putting the series on in “unpreeecedented” circumstances, and thanks England for coming. Ouch. He finishes by thanking Australia for all the support, especially given the tough times many states are experiencing. What a mensch he is.

Gosh, Gilchrist starts by thanking England for coming, then says we’ve been here before, him interviewing Root with a victory having been on the table only for ignominious defeat to follow.

Root says England have played good cricket in parts - very small parts – but can’t sdo enough to get the win. It’s frustrating, he says, and the team need to go away from here ad stop making the same mistakes because there’s another series along soon. The the batters haven’t given the attack anything to bowl at, but ultimately his team have been outplayed and he praises Australia for that.

Gilchrist then praises Mark Wood and tries to prompt Root to say he needs more pace in his team, but Root just congratulates his mate and the crowd applaud as obvious a top bloke as there can be in the world.

Adam Gilchrist is on the dais taking us through the presentation and begins by congratulating Hobart on hosting its first ever Test, then calls Joe Root to interview, the poor man.

“But at least the top brass keep their bonuses, eh?” emails Andrew Benton.

Cricket is the winner. It’s the feel-food story of the winter!

“We are making this look even easier than it is, which is quite a feat,” tweets Guy Hornsby. “Shot selection is an absolute joke today bar Root and perhaps Crawley. I know it’s not nice to criticise players, but if so, what on earth have Billings, Pope, Woakes, Stokes been doing then?”

Criticism is part of the game I’m afraid, and the sad reality is that is barely matters what Pope and Billings did because the chances of them navigating the chase were so slim. Both have talent so it shouldn’t be that way, but it is. Sometimes in sporting institutions, a malaise - usually starting at the top – sets in, permeates and percolates down, rot overriding the talent therein. See United, Manchester.

What I wouldn’t give for just one batsman from that side. It’s mad to think that not that long ago, England’s line-up read Cook, Strauss, Trott, Pietersen, Collingwood, Bell, Prior and now look.

“What a magnificently close finish that could have been if Australia had simply forfeited their second innings,” muses Brian Withington.

I think you’ve invented a new form of the game. Quick, contact a patent attorney then call the ECB and the dry ice manufacturers.

I’m excited to see how this Australia side develops. They’ve got work to do with the batting, but Travis Head looks good to go and Cameron Green is a potential superstar. They go to Pakistan in March, and that series should be a belter.

Australia have, of course, been superb: their attack are superb, and on the odd occasion they’ve needed it, their batters have found something superb enough. England, on the other hand, have been pitiful. They’ve given it everything, but in a way that’s even worse because it tells you how far off the standard they are.

WICKET! Robinson b Cummins 0 (England 124 all out)

It’s 10 for 56 in 22.5 overs! A golden duck to start, a golden duck to finish, and that is that! I believe they call it poetry! A Cummins full toss is far too good for Robinson, and finally, blessedly, this is over. Bye! Ta-ra! See ya!

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Indicate the way to my habitual abode, I’m fatigued and have a desire to retire. I consumed an alcoholic beverage 60 minutes ago and it’s penetrated my cerebrum. Wood premeditates a pull, drags on – that’s three in the innings - and this series is ending as it started and as it continued. That’s nine wickets lost for 56 in 22ish overs.

39th over: England 123-8 (Wood 11, Robinson 0) Target 271 Wood makes room to slash Cummins’ yorker for four, then does so again to hammer over cover for four more. the counter-attack is on!

SCOTT BOLAND CANNOT BE REAL! Woakes makes room, swings hard, edges ... and Carey takes a screamer, still bending and flinging up a right hand to snaffle in the webbing.

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38th over: England 115-7 (Woakes 5, Wood 3) Target 271 In recent times, the Ashes in Australia has been one of the biggest mismatches in sport, and strangely, England’s focus on it is one reason why. Instead of all the planning, they just need to find a good, balanced team: some pace, some swing, some spin, and some batters with technique. Wood takes one to cover and there’s that Woakesian drive I was rattling on about earlier, sent through midwicket for four.

37th over: England 110-7 (Woakes 1, Wood 2) Target 271 Also not that long ago, Wood was celebrating sixfer; what an absolute state. He forces a rib-tickler to fine leg for one, then Woakes adds one more and he misses with a huge hook before dropping to cover and scampering one more.

Not that long ago, England were 68-0! Does that even need an exclamation? Pope wanders across towards off, looking to whip away, misses, and Cummins hits. It’s another horror show, of course it is, why wouldn’t it be?

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36th over: England 107-6 (Pope 5, Woakes 0) Target 271 England are so England. Woakes plays out five dots, giving Boland a wicket maiden, and he must be wondering why they call it Test cricket.

“Really impressed with Ricky Ponting’s analysis on Oz telly,” says Jim Oliver. “Any thoughts on getting him into the England set up? He knows the game inside out, has trophies/battle-scars galore, plus would not be afraid to ruffle feathers.”

You never know how someone will do in the big chair until they’re in it, but I agree he’s great at explaining the game. Coaching is slightly different – you need to see what’s coming rather than discuss it while it’s going on, and he wasn’t the greatest captain – but this team could certainly use the kind of fibre he has.

This one sticks in the pitch a little, but this is very tame from Billings, who checks his shot - confidence is a preference – and Cummins collects easily at mid on. Scott Boland, though, what a story!

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35th over: England 107-5 (Pope 5, Billings 1) Target 271 Billings eases to gully for one, then Pope hauls another to square leg; we can go for another hour tonight, but two more wickets and you’d imagine Australia ask for the extra half hour so they can go out or sit about on the pitch, depending. Pope takes a further single, a leg bye follows, and runs are flowing again!

34th over: England 105-5 (Pope 4, Billings 0) Target 271 Billings thighs to square leg for a leg bye and runs are hard to find at this point with little chance of respite. At some point, Woakes will come in to play a few nice drives en route to a good-looking 34, but there are no signs of anything building; these two are surviving, waiting to leave the bad ball that never comes. Pope, though, flicks a pair to midwicket and they scamper two.

“Just wanted to say how frustrating the performance is from England in this Test,” emails Gareth Wilson. “There IS ability in this team; if only England had been able to put Australia under pressure early on in the series. It is not a great Australian team; it may turn out to be one, but lots of their players needed to be put under the pump, and England just haven’t been able to do that. Even if they lose, this final Test has shown England can be, and should have been, competitive in Australia.”

Yes, the big errors of selection and decision at the toss have been, as Rio Ferdinand would say, “well documented”. England don’t need to be as bad as they’ve been, and in some ways this has been the most embarrassing of the many clatterings because it’s not to an all-time great outfit.

33rd over: England 101-5 (Pope 2, Billings 0) Target 271 Joe Root ends the series as England’s top scorer, his 322 runs coming with a 32.2 average. I hate to say it, but that’s nowhere near good enough, which I don’t mean as a criticism of him, just that for his team to compete, he needed to continue batting like God. Meantime, Cummins rattles a maiden at Pope, and this is going to last much longer, I don’t think.

“Why can’t England just let Australia bowl?” wonders Hugh Wake. “No need to score runs at the moment. Preserve the wicket at all costs, then worry about the score tomorrow morning. There’s still two whole days to get the total.”

That ball to Root is one reason why: it’s a fourth innings against a brilliant attack. But also, as per Andy Flower, wickets come when scoring is slow.

32nd over: England 101-5 (Pope 2, Billings 0) Target 271 Goodness me what a state of affairs – Sam Billings it’s your big chance. He sees away two dots, as he sizes up a life-hanging knock.

It never rains but sometimes it pours so hard it makes your soul bleed. Root gets a grubber that zips into the bottom of off stump, and all he can do is laugh ruefully.

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32nd over: England 101-4 (Root 11, Pope 2) Target 271 Aha, Root’s trusty bat was bust - it was taped and all sorts, so he must’ve been keen on it – and his new one begins by clattering fresh air all the way to the fence.

32nd over: England 101-4 (Root 11, Pope 2) Target 271 Boland replaces Starc, but the over will be remembered for a beautiful “in and around off stump” from Steve Harmison in co-comms. I’m not sure what happens next, because my BT crashes, but they take drinks mid-over.

31st over: England 101-4 (Root 11, Pope 2) Target 271 Pope nurdles into the on side and raises England’s hundred; nearly there! Root then takes one to point before Pope ducks a bouncer that’s too high to put him in any serious jeopardy. England will be relishing tis quiet period, but so will Australia because the scoreboard is doing very little.

“Maybe I’m a little biased because I live down here,” says Thomas Chick, “but I think this pitch has produced the most interesting game of the series. Absolutely rapt.”

Yup, it’s partly the track – but partly the series being secure and partly Wood finally getting the breaks.

30th over: England 99-4 (Root 10, Pope 1) Target 271 Root shoves Starc down the ground, Khawaja dives over it at mid off, the ball dribbles to the fence for a sorely-needed four. That’s 5000 Test runs for England’s captain, who’ll be feeling his responsibility out there, or maybe out there is the only place he can not feel his responsibility. He tries a dab to third, removes the bat, can’t get it out the road in time and does well to see the ball clip into the pitch, then pulls two. He’s away, and this, right here, is the match. Expletive.

29th over: England 90-4 (Root 4, Pope 1) Target 271 The first time I saw Ollie Pope play for England I thought he’d be a fixture for a decade, but it’s not quite gone that way - he’s not as far along as I expected him to be, and we’ve not seen much to think he can navigate a route through this chase. Apart, that is, from a talent so pure it can manifest at any time; he’ll know that this could be his moment, and he acclimatises by playing out a maiden from Cummins.

28th over: England 90-4 (Root 4, Pope 1) Target 271 Well, it was fun while it lasted.

Dearie me. Stokes has seen enough, pulling from outside leg, and he doesn’t get close to the power or elevation he’s after, Lyon running in from deep square and diving forward to hold on. I get that England can’t just let Australia bowl, but that was a profoundly unnecessary shot.

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28th over: England 92-3 (Root 4, Stokes 5) Target 271 Still no Nathan Lyon, who’s yet to bowl in this match, as Starc bounds in again; Stokes turns his first ball to square leg for one, then Root chops to third man for one more. I wonder how long England will keep knocking it like this, because they’ve being trying to get them quickly until now.

27th over: England 90-3 (Root 3, Stokes 4) Target 271 And here we are: Cummins replaces Green, and we might just see the match settled in the next half-hour or so. His third delivery is a beaut, moving just enough off the seam and ripping past Root’s outside edge before beating Carey as well, then his final ball almost tempts the fated run-down. Maiden.

“I say, here’s fun,” says Darrien Bold. “England team for the first test in WI? Who’s inked in?”

Anything to divert attention from the tension in the middle, I say. Is there a chase on? Not as far as I know! I guess Crawley, Root, Stokes, Bairstow, Wood and Broad.

26th over: England 90-3 (Root 3, Stokes 4) Target 271 Stokes forces two through midwicket, and is looking more like himself now. In retrospect, it’s not surprising that it took him a while to get going in the series – at the time, it was hard not to expect that he’d personality the usual miracles – but he’ll be absolutely loving this, which is half the battle. Too many English batters play like they’re undergoing an ordeal, because they are.

25th over: England 88-3 (Root 3, Stokes 2) Target 271 England just need to see Green away, because when he finishes his spell Australia will be forced to bring Cummins back. Root adds one more to backward point, then Stokes steps across, gets through his pull while the ball sticks in the pitch, and wears it on the hip. No harm done, and single to cover ends the over.

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24th over: England 86-3 (Root 2, Stokes 1) Target 271 “Yes” says Root as he tucks the returning Starc – the returning Starc, just what you need – to long leg for one. Starc then flings one on fifth-stump line, inciting Stokes to play and miss, and the squeeze is on. England need 185 to win, but that looks a monster for the now.

“And now Green gets praised for getting Crawley out,” says Anthony Bradley. But Crawley played a walking shot with bat going from slip to mid on. Surely batsman error?”

Not mutually exclusive, in mine.

23rd over: England 85-3 (Root 1, Stokes 1) Target 271 England have lost three for 15 in 6.2 overs and you fear for them now ... OK, you perpetually fear for them, but you fear for them particularly at this juncture. Stokes gets away first ball, guiding to point, then Root gloves one that lifts and scampers a start of his own. Cameron Green is a problem.