‘The Real Housewives of Orange County’: Smack talk and sad charcuterie

It’s been two weeks since the last episode of “The Real Housewives of Orange County.” In that time, we’ve celebrated Christmas and New Year’s Eve.

And yet, when the action resumes on Wednesday night, Housewife Heather Dubrow is STILL telling Housewife Shannon Storms Beador why that thing she did was so wrong.

That’s the magic of television for you!

“I thought, like, you and I were good, and it was just a big (bleep) you,” Heather tells Shannon.

“I am horrified by all of this,” Shannon replies, looking like she’s actually been sitting there taking it from Heather for two actual weeks.

“I am willing to forgive you,” Heather says as Shannon sniffles.

“I screwed up,” Shannon grovels. “Because I am a loyal friend.”

Heather tells the camera confessional she’s not entirely buying it, but they agree to make up and literally pinky-swear that they’re good. Then Heather twists the upper hand and suggests Shannon apologize to her husband Terry Dubrow, too.

“I feel like Heather is my school teacher grading me, and I’m a (bleeping) 57-year-old woman,” Shannon grumbles to the camera.

This all takes place, we should probably remind you, at the party Housewife Emily Simpson is throwing to celebrate husband Shane passing the bar.

Housewife Jen Armstrong decides Emily’s party is the perfect time to confront Housewife Noella Bergener about their interaction at Heather’s recent party. Jen demands to know what’s up with that — because what’s a party without a good fight?

Noella is happy to oblige, explaining that she was mad at Jen because she’d posted a selfie on Instagram — “poorly lit,” Noella adds — thanking her patients and tagging Noella.

“Who tags someone they’ve met twice in a photo of themselves that’s not even a cute one?” Noella asks, before suggesting that Jen is just too “thirsty” and she should “try and be relevant somewhere else.”

Heather, standing next to Shannon, decides to act the grownup here. “We can’t do this at two parties,” she groans, as she and Shannon send Jen and Noella to their corners.

Elsewhere in the episode:

— Shannon takes her three daughters to a fancy lunch with her father, who apparently is one of the hottest nonagenarians on the Corona Del Mar circuit these days.

“Gene the Machine, that’s now what my dad is calling himself now,” she tells the camera.

Gene the Machine tells a story about running into entertainer Dean Martin at a Christmas party years ago and all three of his granddaughters look perplexed.

Later the 17-year-old twins try to crack the case on Google, looking up Rat Pack.

“Ohh, it’s a musical group,” Twin No. 2 discovers. “Dean Martin was an actor.”

— Heather and Terry invite Gina and boyfriend Travis to Del Mar for the races, and when the Dubrows go to the races, it’s not at all like what Long Island Gina knows of the track.

“I’ve been to the horse track in the way where it’s like your uncle’s-uncle used to bet on horses in New Jersey,” she tells the camera. “I’m pretty confident this is going to be different.”

How different? When Heather asks Terry how much he bet on Horse No. 6, he tells her that if No. 6 wins they’ll buy that jet she wants.

Horse No. 6 wins.

— Emily goes to visit Noella and is greeted by her and her little dog too. The pug-like dog Rihanna is dressed in a hot pink fluffy sweater that looks like something Zsa Zsa Gabor would put on after a bubble bath.

“You look like a little fluffy pig!” Emily exclaims.

Noella brings out this season’s mandatory snack plate.

“This was a very sad charcuterie,” she tells Emily, admitting that her recent situation has affected her meat-and-cheese arranging skills.

“It’s like a sad-cuterie. My heart was just not in it today.”