He’s allergic to my cats

I have been with my partner for a little over a year now, and I’m absolutely delighted to be with someone with whom I can communicate, problem-solve, and mature with exceptionally well and with ease. I deeply love this man and want our relationship to grow and evolve toward living together. We don’t want to rush it, but we know it’s a goal we’d like to work toward in the next two years, if not less.

So what’s the problem with this wonderful relationship? He’s allergic to my cats. And not in a “just take a Benadryl” kind of way. He can’t breathe, gets horribly itchy, and overall cannot enjoy being in my space very long because of the allergy. Needless to say, most time spent together is at his place. This leaves me questioning ... will it always have to be like this? Splitting time between cats and my partner?

I adore my cats and I believe it is my responsibility to care for them until they pass. That’s what agreeing to pet adoption is. My partner would never ask me to get rid of them; he knows they’re important to me. But it does feel like so long as they’re in the picture, we can’t progress to eventually cohabitating, and he’s said as much. There has to be a solution here, no? If anyone has been in a similar situation, I’m here for all the advice. Thanks, Does it have to be him or the cats?

ALLERGY PROBLEMS

A. “There has to be a solution here, no?”

The solution is that you live separately until you no longer have cats. Sorry. That’s it.

I am very allergic to cats. A Benadryl does very little if I’m in a room with them.

When I visit my friend Rachel’s place, she puts a sheet over her couch so I can sit on it. I love her cat, but as soon as I enter that space, I feel like I have a clock on me, even with that sheet. It feels like, after an hour or so, I might turn into a pumpkin, Cinderella-style. I am itchy, can’t breathe, etc.

This does not mean I don’t want to spend time with Rachel. I very much do! I also adore her cat. From afar.

In your case, you’re dealing with a romantic relationship, and the allergy isn’t going to change, so ... that’s that. There’s no magic pill. You want your partner and cats to be comfortable, so let them exist in separate places, sharing your attention.

If you’re unwilling to part with the cats (if not, that’s OK!), the plans to live together will have to wait. You can have both if you and your partner are willing to have patience. He sounds pretty patient to me.

MEREDITH

READERS RESPOND:

Has it dawned on you that if he’s “the one” you will NEVER have a cat again?

BIGSIGH

I wish there were a more magic pill than Benadryl, but the only options are to break up or continue to date without living together or get rid of the cats in favor of the boyfriend. That’s it. None of us here can give you advice on which of these three you should choose.

JONRUNSGRAFTON

My boyfriend had to give away his cats to live with me. We lived in different towns, and we wanted to move in together, but the landlord was not accepting pets, so he gave the kitties to his other family members.

JENAJ

^Sounds like you openly communicated and arrived at a solution!

HIKERSKIERGIRL

I could have written this letter with a few minor changes: it’s my boyfriend who owns the cat, and I spend the majority of our time at his place ... which is really, really hard for me as the allergic one. I have had similar thoughts as Meredith: I love the animal and him, I just can’t be in the same space long-term. But I’ve never thought of it as a big hassle/inequality like you seem to. We haven’t had an explicit conversation about cohabitating in the future. We’re both pretty solid living independently and don’t see any rush. Could you be in a bit of denial about just how soon you wish to take the next step? Why the specific timeline/urgency? It also feels like you may be anxious that *your* timeline isn’t as urgent to your partner as it is to you.

PENSEUSE

Send your own relationship and dating questions to loveletters@globe.com. Catch new episodes of Meredith Goldstein’s “Love Letters” podcast at loveletters.show or wherever you listen to podcasts. Column and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/loveletters.