Hi, everyone, and thank you so much for coming to Wedding. As many of you know, I am Bride or Groom’s Older or Younger Sister or Brother. It’s great to be here celebrating with all of you tonight.
Bride or Groom and I didn’t always get along so well. In fact, I can still remember a time back when we were kids, and Bride or Groom did Really Annoying, Potentially Physically Violent Thing That Seems O.K. to Joke About Now but Actually Still Fills Me with Anger and Resentment if I Think About It for Too Long. Man, did Bride or Groom get in trouble for that one!
But, to be fair, I guess I wasn’t always the easiest to get along with, either. There was one time in particular when I did Annoying Thing That is Much Less Annoying than Thing I Just Mentioned Bride or Groom Did and Definitely Not Physically Violent, Thus Making Me Seem Like the Better Sibling by Comparison. Man, did I get in not quite as much trouble as Bride or Groom for that one!
It wasn’t until Bride or Groom and I stopped living together that we started to get along and become friends. We had a great time visiting each other at college and doing Wholesome Activity That Meant Virtually Nothing to Our Relationship but Sounds Better than Alcohol-Induced Activities That Actually Helped Us Become Friends. And Bride or Groom once even helped me do Unpleasant Task That They Will Continue to Bring Up Every Time They Need a Favor from Me Going Forward. It meant a lot, so thank you for that.
Hey, real quick, is it weird that basically all sibling relationships seem to improve dramatically when the siblings stop living together, and that it’s always talked about as this really positive thing during wedding toasts, even though weddings are supposed to celebrate how two people have decided to live together for the rest of their lives? I’m just not sure how well the lesson applies here, you know? Like, you don’t usually hear a heartwarming story along the lines of “My wife and I used to fight a lot, but then she moved out, and our relationship got so much better.” It’s typically more like “My wife and I used to fight a lot, and then she moved out, and that was the first step on our road to a contentious divorce.” Just a thought.
Anyway, as soon as I saw how happy Groom or Bride made Bride or Groom, I knew that these two were going to be (and live) together forever. I first met Groom or Bride at a family dinner a few years ago, and we really bonded during Event That Wasn’t Particularly Momentous but Is Basically the Only Time the Two of Us Have Interacted One-on-One in Any Meaningful Way, so I Didn’t Really Have Another Option for an Anecdote Here. Groom or Bride, I am so happy to welcome you into the family, and if I could offer you just one piece of advice on dealing with us it would be Mildly Humorous, Mostly Tortured Reference to Aforementioned Anecdote That I Know I’m Beating to Death at This Point but, I Swear, It Really Is All I’ve Got.
So, please, join me in congratulating and raising a glass to the happy couple. I’m so thrilled for both of you and just want to close with Platitude About Importance of Love, Platitude About Importance of Respect, Weirdly Specific Reference to Inside Joke from 1997 That Bride or Groom Probably Only Dimly Remembers, and Platitude About Importance of Family. Cheers!
