Stop Playing Small: Embrace Your Inner Power

There’s a quote I’ve repeated to myself so often that I no longer need to read it. I wouldn’t say it’s my “favorite” quote, but it is the one that speaks to me during hard times:

Our deepest fear is not that we are weak. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world…

—Nelson Mandela

My own personal and professional experiences have led me to relate to Nelson Mandela’s wise words over and over—especially these days. Many of us are underemployed, or overworked, or in job transition. We have heated debates about our kids’ safety and schooling. And many of us may be feeling unsupported by our leaders, employers, and even our close friends and family. So what can we do?

Several years ago, I was undergoing a perfect storm in my life—personally, a divorce, and professionally, a nonrenewal at my position due to reorganization—when I sat down to have a beer and commiserate with a trusted friend. He listened to me second-guess and criticize myself for the first beer, but by the time we got to the second, he cut me off:

“You have three strikes against you,” he said bluntly. “You’re an attractive woman, you’re smart, and you don’t have an agenda. People don’t know what to do with that.”

I didn’t know it at the time, but my friend’s words were the kick I needed to stop “playing small” and liberate myself from the fear I was feeling. Through the rest of our conversation, he helped me distill the lessons my unpleasant experiences could leave me with. Here are five things I took away from that honest talk:

1. It’s Not Always About Me

It can be easy to criticize ourselves and look to change our individual behavior. Especially if you think of yourself as a high performer, you naturally search for places to optimize your own improvement. But research shows that individuals cannot mitigate an organizational or work culture that is designed to facilitate burnout. You can’t “self-care” yourself through an overwhelming workload, or unsupportive partnership, or lack of childcare.

Releasing myself from the expectation that everything that was going on in my life was due to my own choices and actions allowed me to focus on the things I could control—like setting firm boundaries and reframing challenges as opportunities to learn. Remember, this isn’t an all-or-nothing mindset—yes, I have personal responsibility for my journey of choices, and there are some circumstances (and other people’s behavior) that are out of my control.

2. Not Only Should I Keep Believing in Myself, But I Should Also "Double Down"

In my career, I’ve often taught elite performers a concept called “active optimism.” Beyond just hoping for a good outcome, active optimists take action to make it more likely that the good outcome will occur.

The work of researchers such as Dr. Christopher Peterson and Dr. Martin Seligman highlights that identifying things that are working in your life, and then deliberately leveraging them, aids fulfillment and leads to personal and professional success (Peterson & Seligman, 2004). Taking their VIA Survey of Character Strengths (found at Authentic Happiness) as well as other brief strength-based questionnaires can help to illuminate your personal strengths.

For myself, I took a hard look at what was going well in my life—both personally and professionally. Where did I have data that my behaviors were healthy and effective? Yes, there were definitely things I wanted to do differently in my next relationship or career engagement. But there were also things I could double down on to offer in the next chapter.

3. I Had to Change What I Was Saying to Myself

In my field of performance psychology, we stress how self-talk impacts action. If you’re playing small, your self-talk can become a mess. Just as someone can walk off a basketball court after missing a shot saying “I suck,” it can be easy to slip into negative, self-blaming dialogue around a personal issue or poor work performance.

But how do you shift the negative “I’m a failure” inner chatter to something more useful?

First, take notice. What triggers the negative dialogue? And what is going on that those negative phrases become “sticky” and you are attaching to them? As I began to come out of this particular storm, I dialed in my focus and noticed when I was slipping into self-talk that led me to play small.

Connect a physical cue. Over time, I practiced breathing through the negative self-talk and imagining those thoughts floating out of my mind. The more I did this, the easier it became to stop and redirect in the moment.

Practice, practice, practice. Then, with deliberate focus and practice, I shifted to more helpful go-to dialogue. Phrases like, “I’ve got this,” or “just for today” became centering messages to build me back up. These phrases shifted me to remembering my friend’s message and embracing it.

4. I Can Choose How to React to Someone—Whether to Stand Up Straight or Shrink

I’m six feet tall. That came in very useful when I was a college basketball player, but there have been times in my professional and personal life when I’ve literally tried to “shrink” by standing on one leg (especially if I was in heels on a date with someone who made me want to be smaller!).

As I moved through my perfect storm, I tried to be aware of this tendency. I remembered that when I walked onto the basketball court, I would stand as tall as I could, chest out, proud to show my height and strength. I try to do that now in professional situations. If someone can’t handle my confidence and expertise, that says much more about them than me. I’m not willing to shrink myself down and play small in most scenarios anymore—because it doesn’t play to my strengths.

5. You Can Set a Personal Record and Still Lose the Race

I’ve worked with elite performers in sport for many years, and they know a hard truth well: sometimes you can get a personal record and still lose the overall race. For myself, this means to only compare myself to myself, rather than to the accomplishments of others. If you get a new job and someone else in your field gets a “better” one, that doesn't diminish what you’ve accomplished.

Eyes on your own lane, pursue the dreams that are aligned with your values, and celebrate your own achievements.

There’s one final line of that Mandela quote:

As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

I share my own experiences of “playing small” with you to hopefully help you notice situations in which you might be doing the same—and encourage you to throw back your shoulders and be as tall as you can be.

And when your own perfect storm hits, I hope you have a friend who will RSVP “yes” to your pity party—then blow it up once they arrive.