On Belonging: Why Humans Want to Fit In

There is little dispute that belonging is critical to a feeling of well-being. Yale psychiatrist Ezra Griffith observed that belonging occurred when one felt welcomed by others: that, “we have no sense that we are party-crashers or outsiders” and that, “the sense of belonging imbues us with grace and aplomb, and the feeling surpasses that of mere confidence" (p.5). Evolutionary biologists describe cooperation between those within a species as augmenting survival, giving a certain biologic credence to why we need to feel part of a group. Anchoring one’s sense of self in a group, be it cultural, religious, or social, offers a way to regulate our values and behaviors so that there is survival through cooperation.

Belonging reflects larger sociological factors at work that create the push to fit in, forming the values which structure the culture. In 1897, French sociologist Emile Durkheim theorized that a breakdown in shared values that integrated a person into the larger society created alienation as there was no social glue bonding the person to society. Durkheim labeled this anomie and predicted there would be higher rates of suicide under such disconnected and dysregulated societal circumstances. Durkheim described the phenomenon as anomic suicide. When one feels disconnected, it may engender a sense of alienation, lack of validation, or feeling judged and rejected. It can also stimulate rage (e.g., random shootings by the alienated person) or impulsive risk-taking (e.g., turning to drugs, alcohol, gambling).

Belonging reflects the character of one’s interpersonal experience. Psychologically, a sense of “I don’t fit in” can trigger hopelessness and depression. When we don’t feel as if we belong, a psychological anomie is triggered; a micro-level process having to do with a person’s intra-psychic disconnection from others, which is not due to the breakdown in moral values or norms at the societal (macro) level, but one occurring at the introspective (micro) level. The person does not feel like they belong, not because society lacks integrated values and norms, but because they do not fit in society. Therefore, this sense that they are not accepted by others and do not belong precipitates inner turmoil. In 1961 psychologist Carl Rogers observed this simple truth: human beings must have unconditional positive regard to thrive. Rogers further identified the interpersonal experience of being understood as critical to healing. At the level of psychotherapy, this meant having a therapist who provides the client a relationship where they are fully accepted. At the interpersonal level of belonging, one needs at least one other person who empathizes, accepts, and offers that sense of respect, love, and caring for who one is despite their flaws, their history, or their mistakes.

Belonging reflects an existential process. It is stimulated by a sense of awe at the vastness of the universe and our smallness in it. The drive to belong may be a deeply embedded facet of our uniquely human state, which makes us aware of our mortality. Though most of us are not attentive to this in our daily awareness, the questions of “Who am I?” and “Why am I here?” form a sort of underlying nagging discomfort. It pokes out of the morass that Freud labeled the “unconscious,” especially when our defenses are down. The spiritual dimension is often differentiated from formal religion in that it taps into a self-awareness of the dualities of life and death and of something bigger and beyond us. An existential crisis may reflect disconnection from the spiritual dimension, the loss of the soul, or non-being.

Belonging reflects being. Christian theologian Tillich wrote that non-being was the ultimate experience of anxiety as it threatened the person as a whole, reflecting a loss of a spiritual center. Non-being is experienced as feeling cut-off from others, from the creative forces around one, of connectivity to people. Tillich labeled such alienation as the crisis of “non-being” that could plunge one into the “abyss of meaninglessness.” Tillich’s work appeared just a few years after World War II ended. Although Americans were experiencing burgeoning prosperity during this period, there was also a growing sense of disconnection and questioning. Social position and the material accouterments that were visible (e.g., money, home, cars) as the yardstick of belonging began to ring hollow for those who on the surface “had it all.” Tillich called it the “age of anxiety,” resulting from a loss of meaning. Rollo May and other existential psychologists called this state of emptiness an “existential vacuum” that continues to ring true for this millennium where technology connects yet also disconnects us from others.

Belonging reflects a sense of meaning. The threat of meaninglessness, a sense of invisibility or not existing, may form the very foundations of not belonging. Years ago, a highly distinguished man from a very prominent organization spoke at a Veterans Day ceremony. He told this story of disconnection that offers a glimpse into non-being. Although he drank to cope with stress, his story was one of success: academic and then in the military, as a well-respected officer moving up the ranks. His alcoholism eventually brought his career to a halt. Lost and purposeless in the civilian world, he drank more. Soon, divorce, unemployment, poverty, and ultimately homelessness followed. To the external observer, he looked like another “pathetic homeless person”: dirty, drunk, and dragging along a pile of possessions. He stayed this way, bitter and alienated until someone reached out to him—another veteran. That first connection, the formed bonds of military service, ignited a small spark of hope and of visibility. It moved him to seek out other veterans and to find a place to become sober. Soon his spiritual faith was re-awakened; stimulating a new sense of purpose and meaning—to dedicate his life to helping homeless veterans.

By making room for others to belong, we belong, and this may be the core of why this need remains so strong in the human experience. We touch one another through agape, that love for others that motivates us to make the lonely new kid in our class our friend; to find a way for the lost souls whose lives were derailed by drugs, alcohol, bad judgments; to lend a helping hand to that person who is so different from us. We must allow ourselves to still our critical voices, ears, and eyes and just be a friend. We cannot let the impulse to say the kind word to that person who is lonely and to bring them into our fold become a small note lost in a cacophony of noises of the “me-centered, I-driven, self-oriented world.” In doing so, we risk non-being and not belonging.