Your Socially Sophisticated and Street Savvy Tween

Lila is a fiercely poised fifth grader. She is stylishly dressed. When I tell her I like her outfit, her mother is quick to tell me she has been picking out her own clothes since the third grade. She rolls her eyes and says “MOM, pleaaasse!”

Her mom cowers a bit and shoots me a pleading look that quickly tells me why they are here to see me.

Often referred to as the in-between years, tweenhood poses particular challenges regarding development. During these years the individual developmental differences between children can be quite significant. While one child may be intellectually advanced another may demonstrate an emotional intelligence beyond her years.

These intraindividual differences may seem more glaring in some areas versus others. This is especially obvious in the social realm.

Common Characteristics

Socially mature tweens usually present as wise beyond their years. These are the kids who always seem to be in the know. They have many friends with whom they are constantly connecting. These extroverts are often well-liked by peers who identify them as worldly trendsetters. They are adept at social media and seem to know what’s hot and what’s not as they follow all the important social influencers.

These tweens also tend to interact more regularly with self-minded peers. At first glance, they may act and even look more like young adults than children on the cusp of teenhood. How and why they seem beyond their years may seem a mystery. A combination of genetic and environmental factors generally holds the key.

As a parent of a socially savvy, street smart tween, you may feel the need to always be alert and aware of what your tween is doing and with whom. In addition, your tween may present you with requests you hadn’t counted on at such an early age. Quite often these kids appear confident and self-assured. They abide by the adolescent illusion of invulnerability. In translation this means they believe they are invincible, that bad things happen to other people.

They are often quick to offer their friends accurate insights regarding their engagement in higher-risk behaviors, however, they rarely believe these precautions apply to them. They talk, dress, and sometimes walk like they are well beyond their years. They are culturally plugged in and take their cues from favorite celebrities and always seem to be in the know regarding everything from fashion, food, and important causes. They tend to be people persons, admired, well-liked, and are often considered “cool.”

And while on the outside they may seem like little adults, you as their parent know looks can be deceiving. Although they may be on the older end of the developmental continuum, they are still 12, not 25.

Could you, should you slow them down?

The best way to address concerns about your fast-track tween is through consistent communication with them. A litany of lectures usually does not work. To ensure that they hear you, meet them on the level at which they perceive themselves. Informed interactive talks tend to do the trick. Let them know your worries and concerns. Listen to their responses.

It may take time to marinade

Don’t expect them to suddenly slow down after you talk with them. Sometimes you need to wait for what you’re saying to really sink in. The true sign of success: they take what you’ve said and parrot it back as their own. This internalization demonstrates that you have indeed been heard.

Their rabid rants about precocious peers may leave you speechless

Because tweens are by nature egocentric, they can easily find the flaws of friends before they recognize the same signs in themselves. They may criticize friends for being flirty or perhaps too proud or even loud in social situations. At the same time, you wish your tween would dial down their own behavior.

When it comes to self-esteem, these extraordinary extroverts present as confident and wise. Given that the tween years are associated with the age of awkwardness, this is an important attribute. These tweens are more likely to take on new challenges. They are self-assured and secure. They often possess natural leadership qualities that will continue to serve them well.

As a parent, your tween’s social sophistication may cause fear and panic. Don’t let their confident stance fool you, however. The child in them knows that you are their greatest ally, even if they roll their eyes when you speak, keep talking. The wisdom you bestow on them will help them strike a balance between badass, bold, and brilliant.