8 Solutions for When You Feel You Don't, or Can't, Fit In

This piece supplements my previous analysis, outlining the problems associated with feeling too detached from others. The present post goes beyond these difficulties by enumerating various solutions to situations in which you might feel distressingly out of place.

It's impossible to fit in with everybody; nor, for that matter, do you need to. Still, there are many things you can do to minimize what is, for most of us, a painful experience. Here are some suggestions:

1. Work through any anxiety or depression. It's a chicken-and-egg question as to whether not fitting in leads to social anxiety and depression or whether being afflicted with these feeling states precedes your not fitting in. Both anxiety and depression contribute to social alienation and withdrawal. At the same time, though, there's a certain sense in which misery loves company; in reality, not many people relish relating to others who project uneasiness, moodiness, or despondency. So if you interact with others in these dispirited states, you're likely starting out with two strikes against you.

It's therefore important either to get beyond such distress on your own or to work with a therapist who can help you identify past abuses and misfortunes still troubling you, along with their accompanying self-beliefs, which remain negatively charged. It's been said that those most in need of a friend are least likely to find one. So this could be a good time to learn how to become your own most empathetic and encouraging ally.

Consider, for example, the invaluable contribution by IFS founder Richard Schwartz, You Are the One You've Been Waiting For. Additionally, there are many articles and self-help books, online courses, forums, and support groups that might assist you in rectifying deficits in your self-image. After all, there's little sense in reaching out to others when, deep down, you may not feel worthy of their friendship.

2. Redress any longstanding trust issues. This isn't to say you should trust indiscriminately since, frankly, many people may not warrant it. But if you've developed an overgeneralized bias against others because of being treated unfairly in the past (maybe by your own family), this bias may have eventuated in a blanket cynicism poorly suited to interacting cordially with others. For one thing, others may sense your suspiciousness. And that alone might motivate them to distance themselves from you. So try, at least initially, to give them the benefit of the doubt.

3. Grow your self-confidence. If, up till now, you may have felt you just couldn't fit in with others, it's hard to approach any social situation with self-assurance—whether with a single person or group. And if you harbor serious questions about your "belonging" with them, such doubtful feelings will probably leak out.

So what would be useful is to make a list of all your successes, big and small—academic, athletic, interpersonal, work-related, and so forth. Consequently, when you have the opportunity to meet someone new, reviewing it will help you feel more positive about presenting yourself favorably.

4. Contemplate changing your appearance. Superficial as it may seem, this could also be an ideal time to consider altering your appearance. As Marty Nemko reflects:

If you hate the way you look, is it time . . . to get serious about losing weight? Doing more with your hair and makeup? Changing your wardrobe? Even cosmetic surgery? The latter is controversial but some of my clients have gained significant self-confidence from [such modifications].

5. Look approachable. If you want to maximize your chances of effectually reaching others, you need—verbally, but especially non-verbally—to let them know that you yourself can be reached. So, when meeting others, don't cross your arms (a posture perceived, however subconsciously, as defensively non-disclosing). And do what you can to relax—maybe taking a few deep breaths and dropping your shoulders—while smiling genially, making eye contact, and demonstrating interest and caring.

On the other hand, trying too hard to gain others' acceptance by deliberately deferring or kowtowing to them—or, for that matter, not trying at all so as to impress them as easygoing, laid-back, and cool—are both unlikely to get others to feel more comfortable with you. Admittedly, it's hard to act natural when you're nervous. Which is why it's critical to develop greater self-confidence before endeavoring to improve your former attempts at fitting in.

6. Focus on finding like-minded people. If in advance, you know that you share meaningful similarities with those to whom you wish to connect, you'll likely start out with less tension and anxiety. And that will increase the probability of your being successful in befriending them.

One reason that Meet-Up Groups are so widespread is that they revolve around particular interests and themes. You only set yourself up for failure when you enter a group with no idea of what unites them. So, in any quest to fit in with people who are right for you, it makes sense to get clear on just what engrosses you, what generates your personal enthusiasm and excitement.

7. Develop your social skills. If historically, you've struggled to belong, it could be because you never had sufficient opportunity to develop any relational know-how. And that could relate to being markedly introverted, having been homeschooled with few neighborhood kids to play with, being forced into a parental role with parents who, because of an illness or their own insecurities, virtually demanded you constantly be there for them (as an "adult"), early experiences of rejection causing you, self-protectively, to isolate yourself from others, and so on.

Thus, inadequately socialized, you'll need to play catch-up. Consider, then, delving into the literature on the web, or maybe purchasing products reviewed on Amazon, that elucidate this vital topic. And try practicing the different methods expounded upon—maybe with a relative, friend, or acquaintance—to also deepen that, hopefully, already secure relationship.

8. Try new things. This suggestion is adapted from Viktor Sander's article, "What to Do If You Don't Fit In" (2021), which wisely considers the possibility that you may not fit in because you've never adequately investigated activities or subjects that potentially would capture your attention and commitment. Whether it's yoga, a sport (to participate in or follow), a video game or TV program, political or religious affiliation, or a scientific, literary, or philosophical subject, it's definitely worthwhile expanding your range of interests. Doing so will make it more likely that you'll interest others as well.

Having summarized the most worthwhile things to do to better fit in with others, I'll briefly suggest what to do to fit in better with yourself, and that's to better understand, appreciate, respect, and accept what about you is unique—what constitutes your undeniable, hardcore differences from others. Trying to change what's inherent in you, though it might be socially effective at first, eventually will either be unsustainable or lead you to lose yourself in the misguided effort to adapt to others' preferences.

Ultimately, nothing is of greater importance than being true to the innermost core of your being (as in, again, "you are the one you've been waiting for"). So it doesn't make much sense to compromise your authenticity simply to fit in. It's one thing to blend in better by growing your interests and social skills. It's quite another to increase your sense of belonging by forfeiting your integrity. So in adopting whichever of the above suggestions you resonate with, take care that it doesn't fatally twist you out of your inborn (and intrinsically acceptable) shape.

© 2021 Leon F. Seltzer, Ph.D. All Rights Reserved.