CEO and Founder, The EQ-i Coach; author of Emotion at Work: Unleashing the Secret Power of Emotional Intelligence; public speaker and coach.

Yesterday I was listening to — and empathizing with — a client who loves his job and wants to keep it but feels stretched beyond the breaking point. The behavior of his boss is triggering a nagging feeling that he should leave. The sad part is that he doesn’t want to leave because he loves working for his clients. The boss, however, is piling on additional restrictions and requirements about how the work gets processed.

In a typical 30-minute meeting in my client's workplace, his customer only receives 18 minutes of his full attention because of the paperwork my client is required to complete during that session. Each month, more requirements are added, and my client feels guilty that the customer’s time gets shorter and shorter. My client shared with his boss about how he felt and said that many coworkers felt the same. Unfortunately, the boss has consistently ignored critical feedback.

Unsurprisingly, there is a mass exodus taking place in the company — and it is because the boss (and potentially some of my client’s coworkers) did not communicate using emotional intelligence.

Here are five ways you can communicate with more EQ:

1. Listen and reflect before responding.

When a direct report voices an opinion that you don’t share, there are two possible responses.

Option A: “That is not important to this discussion.”

Option B: “Tell me more about that.”

Option A will cause the direct report to shut down. Option B will be a conversation starter, and you will be able to listen for valuable feedback. If you can access your curiosity during this time, you may learn something that will help you make process improvements.

2. Acknowledge and affirm.

After listening to the opinion of the direct report, let’s say you disagree. 

Option A: “That is not the direction in which we are headed; it doesn’t meet our objectives.”

Option B: “I appreciate the courage it took for you to speak up, and I value your opinion. Let me explain the rationale for why the company is choosing to head in this direction.”

If you choose Option B, your employee is more likely to feel seen, heard and understood even though their suggestion isn’t being implemented. They will be more inclined to support your rationale because you took the time to explain it to them.

3. Use your empathy skills.

Your direct reports are often in the best position to see how well new processes and requirements are being received. It shows high EQ when you encourage them to come to you to report whether new changes are working out well or not. If you fail to be empathetic, they will shut down and then you’ve lost your best feedback mechanism.

Let’s say someone comes to you and says that the new procedure to personally walk clients to the door isn’t working because it takes too much time. 

Option A: “I don’t care. You have to meet the new requirement."

Option B: “I am grateful that you told me. How do you think we can best build solid client relationships?”

Option A will sound demoralizing to the employee. By choosing Option B, you build trust with the employee.

4. Gather information through reality testing.

Instead of dismissing or flat out ignoring important employee feedback, use your curiosity to ask for more information. Let’s say someone comes to you and says they don’t have time to do the new procedure because it takes away from doing actual work with the client.

Option A: “I don’t care. Just get it done."

Option B: “What is it you want me to know?”

By conveying a curious yet approachable attitude with Option B, your direct reports will share challenges you would have had no idea existed otherwise. In turn, this builds a collaborative rapport between you and your team.

5. Don’t take things personally.

Perhaps your team says that you made a bad decision.

Option A: “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Option B: "I hear you. What could I have done that would be better?”

If you choose to respond with Option A, you are making this about yourself instead of about the team, and the team will quickly tune out. If you choose Option B, you can listen and evaluate negative feedback from a curious yet detached stance, and you will unkink the information hose and keep it flowing. Employees respect and admire a leader who is open about their own shortcomings.

If you want to have a high-performing team, I advise putting these five ways to communicate with higher EQ into practice. If my client’s boss read this and implemented these skills, I suspect my client would want to stay at his job. In the midst of the "Great Resignation," none of us can afford to turn our backs on growing our EQ skills. They are critical in keeping our teams happy and engaged in their work.


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