My wife Bess invited her mother to come over from Memphis and spend Thanksgiving with us this year.
A lot of families in America hosted Grandma this week, even with some lingering pandemic concerns, but because of the condition of my mother-in-law’s health this was a major decision for our family.
Norma Haynes, my wife’s mother, has required constant care since suffering a severe stroke more than five years ago that robbed her of the ability to speak and perform basic daily tasks.
When her husband died in 2019, little more than a year after retiring from his career as a physician, Norma went to live with her oldest son in Chattanooga for about a year, spending the holidays with us. Late last fall, she moved in with us, spending another Thanksgiving and Christmas with our family and staying through the winter. Bess’ twin sister took family leave from her nursing job in Houston and spent January and February of last year living with us and serving as her primary care provider.
People are also reading…
We had some special times together, especially during the holidays when all our children were home.
For most of her life, Norma ran a household, worked in her husband’s medical office, was a prolific volunteer, and served as hostess at the large cabin on their farm, where they entertained community groups, their many close friends, and on holidays, their extended family, including 10 grandchildren.
Norma was never someone who sat still, and even in her present condition she will eagerly tackle a basket of laundry to fold or a long dinner table to be set.
She has a few words she says over and over again, but she uses them at opportune moments.
When you ask her how she slept the night before, she’ll say, “Better.”
When you tell her you’re about to do something really fun with her, she’ll say, “We’ll see.”
When you put a particularly impressive platter of food on the table, like the catfish po’boys our children made in one of our weekly Sandwich Sundays, she’ll exclaim, “My goodness!”
And when you ask her what she’s been doing, she’ll throw up her hands and say, “Waiting.”
Waiting. While Norma was living with us last year, we hired caregivers to keep her busy during the day. We involved her in our life as often as we could, but we couldn’t possibly give her the moment-by-moment attention she wanted and deserved.
That’s why last spring Bess and her siblings decided to put their mother in the memory care unit of an excellent senior living facility in Memphis. It took them 18 months after their father’s death to work through their guilt and realize that this was the right decision.
For the past nine months, Norma has had all the things she lacked at our house: a regular schedule, meals served like clockwork, friends her age who are facing the same struggles, and a full-time activities director.
We’ve enjoyed visiting Memphis and seeing Norma so happy—and busy. No more waiting for her.
That’s why I was surprised when Bess announced she was bringing her mother back to our house for a couple of weeks this November, including Thanksgiving. I had my doubts. Did we really want to take her away from her current schedule? Did we really think she enjoyed being at our house? And, I hated to say it, would she really appreciate or even remember any of it?
Bess stood her ground. Norma stayed the past two weeks and Bess drove her back to Memphis on Friday.
And now I can say that Bess’ decision was the right one. When someone loves you and genuinely wants to spend time with you and then actually does it, as Bess has done with her mother, it’s got to be good for you, whether you’re going to remember it or not.
Nothing can replace feeling the love of your children and grandchildren.
I realize that now.