Coping with loss is an unfortunate reality for millions of people all over the world, but losing loved ones during the holidays can most certainly exacerbate pain, confusion, shock, isolation, and vulnerability to sensitive levels.
In what can be deemed particularly fragile states — emotionally, physically, mentally, and even spiritually — experts say people should seek solace from friends, family, and even associates who can provide comfort through conversation, interaction, reflection, and remembrance, in a variety of approaches while not minimizing loss.
Uniting memories
“One of the most successful ways that I have witnessed dealing with the holidays during a season of grief is to combine a meaningful tradition from holidays past with an added new tradition,” said Hospice of the Western Reserve Bereavement Coordinator Susan Hamme. “I think recognizing and planning for the holidays to not feel the same is a key to coping with it effectively. Additionally, making space for remembering and/or honoring the deceased person brings a level of comfort.
“So many times, when people gather after a loss they are hesitant to mention the name of the person who has died in order to not make anyone else upset or make them cry,” she added. “This can lead to resentment and anger because it can be perceived that the omission of the name of that person who died was due to others forgetting or not caring.
“This can be avoided by having a photo placed or a candle lit that allows everyone to know that it’s OK to remember and talk about this person that they are missing.”
Hamme said she’s worked with families who take a moment to share a memory, share in a moment of silence or have a special toast to recognize their missing loved one.
“A family who experienced the loss of a child still hangs his stocking,” she added. “Each year the other children and his parents buy small treats and place them in his stocking. At some point in the day, they open his stocking, share the things that the others bought and talk about some favorite memories.”
Additionally, many people also find a great deal of support outside of their family, especially during the holiday season, Hamme noted.
“When one person in a family is grieving, it is likely that many others are as well,” she said, adding when grief reactions and responses do not match those of others, at times, it can cause some dissension. “Many find comfort in talking with individuals outside of their immediate circle as they can speak more openly and honestly without the fear of protecting others who are also grieving.
“Support groups, either virtual or in-person, friends, counselors, or support from a religious affiliation or organization can (also) be very helpful.”
Making plans that involve being somewhere that allows people to take a break from the others and having a moment to be alone if needed is also encouraged, particularly in larger social circles, Hamme explained.
“Grief can be very unpredictable and having a plan for the holiday that allows room for the unpredictability and fluidity with plans takes much of the pressure off and provides a much better opportunity to participate in a holiday with success,” she said.
Managing loneliness
Naturally, loneliness and isolation can be major drivers of stress around the holidays, often brought about by loss.
Dr. Patrick Runnels, psychiatrist and University Hospitals’ chief medical officer of population health and behavioral health, acknowledges that processing loss with loved ones can be a source of comfort for others, but may not be the best approach for everyone.
“For some, it’s better to process with a professional counselor or for others a trusted community pillar, like a pastor at a church,” he said. “Yet others cope by finding ways to create new traditions that allow them to honor a loss or move past it. Finally, folks can manage loneliness by identifying connections, often new connections.
“Quite simply, people are more isolated in terms of travel and getting together, either due to imposed restrictions or due to personal decisions about safety,” Runnels added.
With the relative ease of connecting virtually, especially in the last 20-plus months, communicating with a few people of a large group can feel inclusive and more fulfilling.
Connecting in other ways can be useful as well, such as a randomized gift exchange, book clubs, and or intentional movie clubs, in efforts to keep body and mind busy.
And security and constancy, particularly during the holidays, remain key goals in ensuring peace of mind and emotional well-being, which can include taking a break from social media, which Runnels said should be consumed in small doses.
“Take a break from tech, it serves to make most folks anxious,” he said. “We live in a time that feels more tenuous, also — there is more anger, more worry about the future, more contempt. People are feeling less optimistic and things feel murkier. Tensions are higher. People don’t feel safe. In addition, people have lost personal time.
“Most Americans are working longer hours so they have also lost a sense of separation from work.”
‘Choosing you,’ looking forward
As the grieving process encapsulates many things to many people, embracing options, certainly serves some, but professionals also encourage people to expand established routines.
Christine Lakomiak, director of quality and clinical operations with the Lake County ADAMHS Board, asserted people “can and will heal” from their grief.
“Spend time doing positive things you enjoy and talk about the loss when you feel you are able to,” she said. “If you can’t talk, express yourself in other ways, such as art, music or writing in a journal. Return to normal activities. One of the ways we can overcome stress is by thinking in a more optimistic manner and speaking nicely to ourselves. By engaging in positive self-talk, we change our outlook on life to a more positive one and make challenges more manageable.
“One of the healthiest things we can do for ourselves is to create and enforce boundaries,” Lakomiak added. “When you start to feel tired or uncomfortable, or if an action/situation doesn’t align with your values, it’s OK to say no. Give yourself permission to choose you — this is your holiday time, too. Prioritize your comfort, well-being, and happiness.
“Sleep! Get as many of those Z’s as possible. We know that when we are tired, we are cranky and less equipped to handle stressors.”
While choosing not to abuse alcohol and drugs seems a general principle life lesson, the frequency of overconsuming as a crutch shouldn’t be underestimated.
“Alcohol impairs judgment, increases the risk for accidents, and oftentimes creates unstable moods,” Lakomiak said. “If you’re self-medicating during the holiday season, practice some of the other tips for overcoming stress. Don’t anticipate the worst — when we think negatively, we are going to see things in a negative light. When you find yourself thinking this way, ask what emotions are you currently feeling and is this emotion directed towards the correct person/situation.”
