All We Want For Christmas Is Keanu Reeves

The internet is a cursed place. On any given day, a leisurely scroll on the TL can unearth anything from ultra zoomed-in images of Pete Davidson’s hickey to a meme bot churning out honestly perturbing photo transformations we would pay money to unsee. What happened to self-care? 

But amid the online minefield is a glowing fortress, a pocket of happiness, an impenetrable sanctuary of fandom where we may rest our weary heads. Nothing can hurt you here. Keanu Reeves fans, alight. 

Here, people of all ages, genders and sexualities unite with one common cause: to protect our king. The motive might be rabid horniness or it might just be a simple appreciation of what appears to be a truly decent and unproblematic human being. 

The origins of our obsession with the actor can be traced back to the late '90s, when Keanu's floppy hair and near-pornographic leather outfits ruled pop culture. Since then, we’ve been nourished regularly with iconic roles, hypebeast merch and tales of gracious humility. The most recent of these has gone viral ahead of the highly anticipated Matrix sequel, The Matrix Resurrections, with Sandra Bullock sharing a delectable titbit about the actor involving champagne, truffles and an impromptu nail-painting session (read more on it below). 

Christmas is coming up and, frankly, it’s okay to manifest what you really want lying under the tree. To stoke the fire of the Keanussance, let's commence our investigation of why he'd be perfect for Christmas...

An excerpt from a recent interview with Esquire has made the KR stans go wild, and with good reason. It confirms what we already knew: the man is just so damn thoughtful. Back in 1994, a year after filming Speed with his co-star Sandra Bullock, the actress mentioned in an offhand comment that she had never tried champagne and truffles. A couple of days later Keanu rocked up at her house, surprising her with champagne, truffles and flowers – delivered from the heavens as if it were her god-given right to enjoy champagne and truffles. She then proceeded to paint his fingernails black and they hung out for the afternoon. Thankfully, this happened to Sandra Bullock and not us, because if Keanu Reeves were to drop by on his motorbike, bearing gifts, we would simply pass out.

If you haven’t watched him strolling slow-motion into a restaurant, a breeze gently feathering his ebony locks, in the brilliant Netflix film Always Be My Maybe – you haven’t lived! In the rom-com he supposedly plays an "exaggerated version of himself". Which is nothing but the truth because he makes the ladies' jaws drop. He’s Mr Steal Your Girl. He makes an impression! 

If you’ve watched any of the John Wick franchise, you’ll know that at the heart of the action films is just a man who went apeshit because randomers killed his dog. He would do this for you!

Every so often, the internet will compile photographic evidence of Keanu Reeves’ gentlemanly conduct, posing for photos with fans (and Dolly Parton) while maintaining a respectful distance, hands hovering just above their body.

All Keanu Reeves literally has to do is breathe and the most iconic memes will spout forth. There are whole accounts dedicated to evidence of the actor just existing and being perfect.

We could list the endless iconic roles in which the actor has graced our screens – The Matrix, Bill & Ted, Point Break, John Wick – but the best story has to be when he met with Pixar’s producers for Toy Story 4 back in 2019. He climbed on top of the table and was striking poses so he could convey a better sense of playing daredevil toy Duke Caboom.

He secretly donates millions to children’s hospitals. He gifted all the John Wick 4 stuntmen Rolex watches. He gave away millions of his earnings from The Matrix Reloaded and The Matrix Revolutions to the visual effects and costumes departments. He stands up for women on public transport. He refused to insult Winona Ryder. HERE IS HIM WITH PUPPIES. We'd be here all day if we listed every single attribute that makes Keanu Reeves great. He's damn near perfection, okay?