Ronsisvalle: Holidays bring joy and stress; here's how to cope when feeling overwhelmed

The holiday season is upon us, which means we’re all about to sit down to that Norman Rockwell picture of the Thanksgiving or Christmas meal.

You know, that moment when you present the golden turkey on a silver platter to the 10 most precious and gracious people in your life.

Everyone smiles and talks with ease about the beauty of our world, their gratitude for each other and their hope for a loving, connected holiday season. NOT!

We all know these mental pictures of the holidays are nothing more than caricatures of what we wish they could look like.

For most of us, the reality of the holiday season is a conglomeration of highs and lows that can simultaneously be characterized by incredible joy, chronic stress and even deep sorrow.

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The holiday suicide myth

For years, I have heard people talk about the long-standing myth that suicide rates increase over the holidays.

While the actual research does not back up that claim, the data indicates that rates of depression and stress do increase over the holidays for many people.

Why do we get caught in such negative emotion at one of the most hopeful times of the year?

For decades our culture has built itself around the commercialization of the holidays that dictates hectic schedules and loads of frivolous spending by the overwhelming majority of people.

I don’t think anyone would argue the fact that just the demands of holiday parties and family get-togethers can create drama that is at best difficult to handle.

Combine with that the uncertainty of having yet another Thanksgiving and Christmas under the cloud of COVID-19, and it’s clear the next several weeks have the potential to spark very real emotional reactions that will feel incredibly heavy for some people.

Getting past the holiday doldrums

So, what can we do if we want to crush the power of depression, anxiety and stress and find a joy that is real and lasting this holiday season?

For starters, we can make the holidays a series of “holy days.”

The word holiday derives from the Old English word 'Hāligdæg' meaning “Holy Day.”

And to be “holy” in the most basic sense of the word means to be “set apart."

All of us, even atheists or people who don’t have an active faith, can choose to set apart the next several weeks and intentionally make these days different from the rest of the year.

Rather than get caught in a stress-filled grind where we frantically run around trying to please other people, we should all seek to intentionally pause and give ourselves permission to live differently.

It all starts in our head

The first decision we make to be set apart and live differently during the holidays happens in the battleground of our minds.

We have to switch the narrative from, “oh my gosh, I’ll never be able to keep up with all of my commitments in December,” or, “ I can’t stand hanging around my toxic uncle, he’s going to get drunk again and be rude,” to, “I’m going to make different decisions that are healthy for me and I’m not going to get caught in the trap of depression and anxiety.”

Once we determine in our mind's eye that we will approach the season differently, we are ready to make some specific choices that will ensure we stay healthy and well.

Here are some areas you might want to focus on to set apart your holiday season and ensure that you do your days differently this year.

Approach your emotions with curiosity instead of fear.

Many times we tend to avoid the experience of negative emotion.

Rather than engaging in depression or stress, we choose to dissociate from our feelings and grind through a negative experience or relationship.

This is especially true during the holidays in large part because we are putting pressure on ourselves to create the Norman Rockwell picture.

We don’t want to draw a healthy boundary with a family member or say no to the Christmas party invite because we are afraid of disappointing others.

So we deny the feeling of being overwhelmed or stressed and instead march on like a good soldier and do what people need us to do.

This holiday season choose to do this in a new way. Instead of making decisions out of guilt, allow yourself to acknowledge the negative emotion and honor it.

Use anxiety as a signal that perhaps you should not attend that extra family gathering.

Understand that the depression or stress you are feeling is an indication that you need to slow down and reevaluate the expectation that you’re putting on yourself to please others and make them happy.

You might be surprised how much peace it brings into your life to acknowledge the negative emotion early and purposely to make choices that are consistent with your health and wellness, not with the needs and desires of others.

Choose gratitude intentionally.

The stress, anxiety and depression appear when we get caught up in all the toxic thoughts designed to help us live out that perfectionistic Norman Rockwell picture.

If we’re stepping into this season with a different lens, it’s essential that we stop obsessing over where we (and those we love) are missing the mark and become intentionally consumed with gratitude for positive, healthy moments.

People are imperfect. We are imperfect. When we can acknowledge that fact, it frees us up to accept the inevitable disappointments of this season and to be grateful for the blessings of our world.

We have to stop beating up ourselves for what didn’t work out “right” and find ways to seek beauty in the moments we will experience over the next few weeks.

If you have kids, there will be moments where it will be difficult to be a parent during the holidays.

How can you choose to acknowledge and accept these challenging moments yet also be grateful for the laughs and fun you share?

If you’re with extended family, someone will likely annoy you at some point.

Acknowledge the emotion, draw appropriate boundaries when necessary and look for moments where you can find gratitude for an interaction that goes well or feels connected.

Do these days differently — surrender to the idea that there is room for both the joy and the sorrow.

Say thank you and give grace more often.

Look for moments where you feel inspired, motivated, loved and supported and intentionally choose to be grateful.

Take care of yourself consistently.

The holidays vary for most of us.

We run. We plan. We buy. We cook. We eat. We celebrate. We eat some more. We do "all the things,” but most of us never stop long enough to relax.

Here, we are spending more days off from work than any other time of the year, grinding on the hamster wheel of doing good things.

How about an alternative?

Let’s carve out time to sit and watch the sunset with good friends.

Let’s choose to create moments where we intentionally relax our brain and our body.

Let’s do yoga and exercise. Let’s take long walks in the neighborhood for no reason. Let’s breathe deeply.

If we decide to intentionally take care of ourselves in these ways, some things may fall through the cracks.

Will the kids get every perfect gift their little hearts desire? Probably not.

Will it be the best Christmas meal the family has ever had? Maybe.

But will we be better for taking the time we have set apart this holiday and using some of it to take care of ourselves? Absolutely.

Happy Holy Days, everyone. Here’s to doing it differently this year!

Dr. Mike Ronsisvalle is a Licensed Psychologist and the President of LiveWell Behavioral Health, a psychological services agency that provides counseling to clients of all ages and addictions treatment to adolescents and adults. You can find him on the web at www.LiveWellbehavioralhealth.com and www.LiveWell-Coaching.com, or call 321-259-1662.