More Than One Feeling Can Be True

I was recently leading a social support group for children with food allergies. In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I asked them if there is anything about their allergies that they are grateful for. Responses ranged from, “My mom learned how to make a really good cake,” to “I can read ingredient labels,” to “I hate allergies!” I was not surprised by this last sentiment, for it reminded me of my own emotional confusion while growing up with medical conditions.

From a young age, I was immersed within chronic illness communities. Whether it be attending national food allergy conferences or overnight camps for teens with type 1 diabetes, I was surrounded by individuals striving to make the best of their biological misfortune. But many program leaders didn’t seem to see it as biological misfortune. I can recall multiple instances of people saying something along the lines of, “If I could wave a magic wand and get rid of X condition, I wouldn’t do it.” Growing up, I was flabbergasted. Why are we raising money for X disease if people are saying they are glad they have it? I would wave that wand in a heartbeat! Only now do I realize that I was trapped in either-or-thinking.

Either I hate food allergies and they complicate every social situation or I love food allergies and they spark a unique form of self-awareness. Either type 1 diabetes is an ever-present killjoy or type 1 diabetes propelled me to become a pediatric psychologist. I would constantly vacillate between these extremes. Which is stronger, the benefits of increased self-awareness and a meaningful career, or the daily burdens of these medical conditions? I was able to acknowledge the lemons and lemonade but not understand how both could be equally true, how I could feel multiple feelings simultaneously, how one did not have to “win.”

As children grow older, they develop an increasing capacity to concurrently experience multiple emotions. When we ask children how they feel, though, we often expect a single-word response– happy, sad, angry, worried. Feelings charts, while very helpful for developing emotional intelligence, also imply that a single face can sum up how a child is feeling. Yet, psychologists are increasingly recognizing the importance of giving children permission to feel all emotions. Furthermore, research suggests that co-activating positive and negative emotions, acknowledging adversity yet turning it into advantage, is likely the most adaptive approach to dealing with difficult situations, including chronic illness.

So to the children who exclaimed, “I hate allergies!” I exclaimed, “Me too!” We backtracked our Thanksgiving discussion, talking about the hard parts of managing food allergies on the holidays, before ending on a note of gratitude. As much as I advocate for seeing the glass half full, children must also have the opportunity to acknowledge the myriad of difficult emotions associated with their medical adversity. We can be mad, sad, and a little bit grateful about our allergies all at the same time. Isn’t that cool?

The holiday season can bring up a host of emotions for young people with medical conditions and their families. Parents may yearn for simpler times, in which they did not have to worry about every food their child ingested. Every Thanksgiving, I long for the days in which I did not have to count my carbohydrates, inject insulin, and experience some of my highest and lowest blood sugars of the year. Every Thanksgiving, I am thrilled to be eating safe and delicious food while spending time with family. Sometimes, I find myself sitting at the dining room table, darting between these two thoughts. And then I remind myself, and I will remind you, that gratitude and grief can coexist. Happy Thanksgiving.