Marry a man who doesn’t have a relationship with my adolescent children?

Alexis Rae Baker

Dear Lexis,

My boyfriend and I have been talking marriage, but he doesn’t have a relationship with my adolescent children. Would you recommend moving forward?

Thanks,

          ~ Lonely for years

Dear Lonely for years,

It’s wonderful that you have found love, but I would not recommend moving forward with marriage until a relationship has been established between your significant other and your children.

While I can understand the desire to move forward, problems might arise which would be harder to deal with once married. It can be challenging for someone without children to understand the attention required by them; because of this attention to your children, there’s the potential for jealousy in your romantic relationship. This can be true for someone who has children not living at home as well, although less likely.

Such jealousy could cause your significant other to try to distance you from your children in an effort to get more of your time. We tend to cling to our romantic partners, so this situation would be hard to deal with no matter what. Unfortunately, this situation is far more likely to occur after marriage because the expectation for time increases at that point.

The reasons for the lack of relationship could be many (lack of time, lack of availability, lack of desire, or even a desire to protect) but if your significant other is serious about moving forward, it’s important to establish a reasonable expectation about the amount of time you’ll be able to devote. It’s never too late to ask your significant other to start developing relationships with your children; it’s possible that he held back so that you could set the pace. At this point, no matter the reason, you must lead the process if you want to move forward, so here are some steps to help you figure out how to start.

1. Talk to your significant other about the necessity of relationship

It’s likely that your significant other doesn’t know how vital these relationships are for you, especially if you haven’t insisted on one thus far. Talk with your significant other about your relationship with your children and express your desire for them to develop a relationship with him as well. If he refuses, you now have a pretty good indicator that this might not be the best person for you and your family. Most likely though, he will listen to what you have to say and just won’t know what that relationship is supposed to look like.

2. Talk about the role your significant other will play

As this man is not the father of your children, it’s likely difficult for him to know what roles he’ll be expected to play. Do you want him to be a co-parent, one with equal ability to punish, chaperone, and schedule? If not, what are your expectations of your partner concerning your children? Is he supposed to be a friend, someone slightly on the outside who has fun with the kids? Is he supposed to be a secondary parent, deferring to you in regard to requests, punishment, and plans? These are the things that will need to be discussed. The clearer you are, the greater the chance your significant other can step up and be the parent or friend you want them to be for your children.

3. Set up family outings and ask your significant other to participate in age-appropriate activities with your children

Plan outings based on the age of your children. Young children would likely enjoy trips to the park or the Hands On Children's Museum or Chuck E. Cheese; older children would likely prefer something like bowling or going to a sporting event. Meals, ice cream trips, and movies can all be great options, particularly when combined, but there are also at-home options. Family dinner, game night, and puzzle-solving can all be great opportunities to build a relationship while having some fun together.

It’s not always easy to have these kinds of conversations with your significant other but know that you will have some clarity once you resolve this. He might or might not be your future partner, but by speaking your need, you stand a much greater chance of figuring that out. If your significant other truly understands who you are, and the role your children play in your life, he will probably step up, happily. And, with a happy, cohesive family unit, you will be able to move forward without hesitation.

Best of luck,

~ Lexis

Alexis Rae Baker writes from her home in Olympia.  Write to her  at  Lexis@theJOLTnews.com