Need to ward off the Sunday Scaries? Our latest edition of Quotes of the Week is here to keep ’em at bay.
In the list below, we’ve gathered nearly 30 of the small screen’s best sound bites from the past seven days, including scenes both scripted and unscripted from broadcast, cable and streaming series.
This time around, we’ve got the arrival of an unexpected What We Do in the Shadows councilmember, a questionable update to New Amsterdam‘s hospital building, some long overdue boundary-setting for Legacies‘ Clark and Law & Order: SVU‘s meta reference to Danny Pino’s TV career.
Also featured in this week’s roundup: double doses of The Bachelorette, Chucky, Legends of Tomorrow and Succession, plus quotable moments from The Simpsons, Grey’s Anatomy, La Brea, Batwoman and more shows.
Scroll through the list below to see all of our picks for the week, then hit the comments and tell us if we missed any of your faves!
“You broke up with that software engineer because she thought that Billy Joel was the lead singer of Green Day.”
“Which was a red flag about our age difference.”
Sorry, Eric (Charlie Barnett), but we gotta agree with Cop Joe (James Wolk) on this one
“Let’s take this from Disney+ to HBO Max.”
Homer’s (voiced by Dan Castellaneta) naughty advances will take on new meaning when this episode actually becomes available to stream on Disney+
“Holy s—t, they were turnips!”
Elton (Nicolas Cantu), shocked to have an axe thrown at him for Percy’s attempted theft of produce
“This guy is quite ballsy.”
Kaitlyn Bristowe, upon seeing contestant LT dressed in little more than a pair of tuxedo briefs
“That was just fabric until you brought it to life.”
A charming Jamie tries to woo Michelle with a compliment about her dress-wearing abilities — and it worked
“The next time I feel like I’m going to freak out, I’ll just breathe through it, and what the hell is that?!”
“That says nah. [shrugs] Nahhh.”
Max (Ryan Eggold) and Iggy (Tyler Labine) react to New Amsterdam hospital’s new signage
“OK, we’ve gotta break the door down.”
“Excuse me? We weigh 125, combined.”
Mabel (Selena Gomez) “weighs” in on Oliver’s (Martin Short) plan
“This is where Eclipso was born.”
“Eclipso was born in a little girl’s bedroom…?”
“It’s called the Shadowlands, nitwit.”
Cindy (Meg DeLacy) gives Courtney (Brec Bassinger) a tour of their shared purgatory
“Wait, so Donal Logue is on the Worldwide Vampiric Council?”
“Yeah, I kind of jumped in after Blade came out.”
“But you are a vampire, yes?”
“Yes. Funny story, I was not a vampire when I filmed Blade, but it was such a fun shoot and I sort of fell in love with the lifestyle, so I decided to go whole hog.”
Quinn— er, actor Donal Logue shows up (fangs and all) for a special reception
“Solving cold cases… That seems like a good fit for you.”
Does Liv (Mariska Hargitay) think she’s speaking to former SVU detective Nick Amaro… or former Cold Case detective Scotty Valens?
“Look, I’m grateful. I’d gladly dog-sit for the weekend, even help you move. But I draw the line at becoming a skin suit for my father.”
Now that Clark (Nick Fink) is human, he’s finally setting some much-needed family boundaries
“I had to work here a month before they let me use this thing. And yet, I can go out and buy a real gun on my lunch break. Ha! Texas, huh?”
Dr. Sturgis (Wallace Shawn) makes an astute observation about the Lone Star State’s gun laws
“You know, I have a queer kid.”
“You have a kid?”
“Gender fluid!”
“And you’re cool with it?”
“I’m not a monster, Jake!”
Chucky (voiced by Brad Dourif), the serial-killing doll and LGBTQ ally (?), tells Jake (Zackary Arthur) about his child
“Aren’t you girls a little mature for this type of thing? You know, when I was your age, I was high as a kite!”
A random neighbor (and soon-to-be Chucky victim) joshes a group of teen girls trick-or-treating on Halloween
“Peter, your ’80s nostalgia isn’t funny anymore. It’s tired and worn out and borderline dangerous. Those old references just don’t play the same in today’s world.”
We’re glad that Lois (voiced by Alex Borstein) finally said something, even if she’s about 19 seasons too late
“Yeah, we get it. A storm. Our idea. We literally just told you that.”
“But I drew it on the board…?”
Did Superboy (Joshua Orpin) try to Supermansplain to Donna (Conor Leslie), Kory and Rachel?
“During the pandemic, I drank so much red wine, I seriously considered checking myself into rehab.”
“Really?”
“Really. I looked like a swollen tick.”
Addison (Kate Walsh), assuring Amelia (Caterina Scorsone) that she wasn’t the only one who’d struggled
“You know all Black aunties have a sixth sense for creepin’.”
Angela (Yaya DaCosta) warns Tyrique about getting up and out of her place before her Aunt Piggy discovers their intimate moment
“None of these planets have been named yet, man. Want your own planet? From this day forward, Mars shall be known as Planet Josh.”
“You ever consider cutting back on the weed?”
Scott (Rohan Mirchandaney) is nearly as high as the planet named for a Roman god not yet written about
“My safe word is ‘core competency.'”
Ava (Jes Macallan) reveals perhaps a little too much to Nate when Sara cuffs herself to her wife as part of a plan
“If you need anything, please don’t hesitate to come and find us. Actually, hesitate a little.”
“Oh, hesitate a lot.”
“Ew, that’s gross, moms.”
A stoned Zari (Tala Ashe) reacts to Ava (Jes Macallan) and Sara’s (Caity Lotz) honeymoon antics
“Next time you want to have a private conversation with me, maybe pick somewhere a little more appropriate. Maybe a stopped elevator or something?”
McGee (Sean Murray) tells Parker he doesn’t like talking business while doing his business
“I am still active in my parish! There are things I can’t say anymore!”
“It’s one night. Splash some holy water on that ass and keep it movin’.”
Brianna (Eve) has no time for Jill (Naturi Naughton) and her reasons for opting out of the Nasty Bitches reunion
“I don’t really go out and do big performances. But I do gig for my teddy bears in my room, if that counts!”
Thirteen-year-old Hailey Mia recalls her previous experience singing for crowds
“She’s kind of like a helicopter parent — without the parent.”
Alice (Rachel Skarsten) makes note of Ryan’s birth mom’s fancy arrival
“You’re the number one trending topic, ahead of Tater Tots… and the Pope followed you! Uh, OK, no, this is not the real… is this the real?… No, I don’t think this is the Pope. It’s a Pope, it’s not the Pope.”
Greg (Nicholas Braun) gives Kendall an update on his social media impact
“We’ll f—kin’ beast ’em. We’ll go full f—king beast!”
Logan (Brian Cox) profanely declares war on his son Kendall
“There’s no faces out there, it’s just masks.”
Will (Gus Halper), describing the post-apocalyptic wasteland in all-too-familiar terms
Or maybe Dr. Sturgis’s observation was about the supermarket’s policy.
Yes, I’m sure the intended takeaway is that Texas is way too stringent with giving responsibility to grocery store employees. That is some seriously incisive social commentary.
If Joe’s handing out Bright Eyes LPs, he’s in the Green Day generation.
Slow week for TV writers? Pretty much none of those quotes is noteworthy.
I too was thinking a lot of these were pretty “meh”. Many of them need more description context to be meaningful to people who don’t follow the series, and some of them don’t seem pithy/pointed/clever at all. Just rando quotes. Interesting that very few comments from the late night shows make it on here, as they seem to have a good number of quotables better than these each week…is it that no one follows these at TVLine?
The restroom scene in NCIS was uncomfortably hilarious