What Makes a “Thank You” So Difficult Between Partners?

It’s not that people want their partners falling all over them with praise and applause. What most partners want once in a while is a simple, “Thank you.”

What makes this so difficult?

The answer which may surprise you is the human trait of adaptation.

The human trait of adaptation

While we all have the craving to be appreciated, a primary factor that works against our gratitude or expression of appreciation is our human need to adapt. As humans, we quickly adapt to a new situation until that situation becomes the norm.

A dramatic research example given for this adaptation-level phenomenon is the finding that a year after a person wins the lottery, the thrill wears off. They have a new baseline for judging future events.

This has been called “the hedonic treadmill”—our tendency to get used to and less interested in the things that once made us happy. The adjustment is quicker with positive things in our lives than negative ones.

The impact of adaptation on relationships

The problematic impact on relationships is that the adaptation we need for survival—for being alert to what is new and different—dulls down the appreciation we need for ongoing relationship satisfaction and happiness.

How often do we miss thanking our partner for what he/she always manages to do and instead complain about the undone chore, the forgotten item, or the late arrival?

How often do we start to feel invisible or start to take each other for granted?

“The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.” —James (1890/1981) (p. 313)

Antidotes to adaptation for partners

Researchers Katherine Jacobs Bao & Sonja Lyubomirsky (2013), in their research article "Making it last: Combating hedonic adaptation," propose a Hedonic Adaptation Prevention Model to thwart the inevitable adaptation that occurs in romantic relationships.

After exploring the practices, habits, and activities that increased positive events and emotions in relationships, they underscore two key factors to reduce the inevitable adaptation in romantic relationships. These include variety and appreciation.

Variety

There is no doubt that the luxury vacation, the romantic hotel room, the camping adventure, or the decision to take cooking lessons are antidotes to adaptation because they are novel. They catch our attention, change the scene, put us in a different light with our partners. They push back adjustment. When partners recognize that even small changes catch attention and engender positive feelings then the options are limitless: "How did that coffee and note end up in my car?"

Why do we minimize big and small steps of variety?

One reason we resist them is because we don't trust their staying power. What happens when they are over? What that really means is we don't trust that one of us will keep the mood, memory, or new possibility going. We may overlook the fact that the effort to do something interesting is as vital as the action or plan.

Another reason we may sabotage an option is that research tells us that in relationships—Bad is stronger than good. This means the negative interactions between partners seem to have longer-lasting effects than positive ones. Holding the grudge or complaint as a reason not to set into motion a positive experience settles nothing and offers nothing. Small, positive, unexpected steps are crucial in thwarting both negativity and adaptation.

Appreciation

Appreciation is defined as the "recognition and enjoyment of the good qualities of someone or something" (Oxford Dictionaries Online, 2012). It involves seeing and knowing and accounting for who your partner is and who you are in the relationship you share. Appreciation does more than stem the tide of adaptation because it changes the dynamics in a relationship. It changes the way couples live and love together.

As reported in their research article “To have and to hold: Gratitude promotes relationship maintenance in intimate bonds,” Gordon, Impett, Kogan, Oveis, & Keltner (2012) found that:

• The plan to make note of a partner’s efforts and occasionally thank him/her even for the “small stuff” makes both partners more visible to each other.
• Such appreciation was found to be one of the most important factors contributing to a satisfying marriage, according to long-term married (25-40 years) couples.

Roadblocks to turning up feelings of appreciation

While you might be considering the benefits of appreciation for your relationship, you may have other fears that are making you hesitate to appreciate your partner.

Fear of dependence

The basis for a strong and loving relationship is the balance of the partners’ independence and mutual dependence. The very essence of gratitude implies recognition of benefiting from someone else. When that someone else is a stranger, a golf buddy, or an acquaintance, the stakes are not high, and a “thank you” is easy.

For some, the expression of gratitude to a partner is an admission of need that leaves them feeling vulnerable or “one down.” Whether consciously or not, they avoid saying thank you to avoid acknowledging their dependence on their partner. Unwittingly it adds insult to injury for both.

An important finding by Nathaniel Lambert and colleagues (2010) related to enchancing close relationships is that the simple act of expressing gratitude to the partner results in an increased feeling of communal strength on the part of the partner expressing the gratitude. Validating a partner’s care and concern for you turns a light on the bond you share. Rather than feeling dependent, there is a proud feeling of the shared responsibility you have for each other's welfare.

Fear of disqualifying negative feelings

Sometimes people avoid thanking their partner because they fear that the positive expression of appreciation for one thing will disqualify the anger or upset they feel about something else. They worry that their partner will assume everything is OK and nothing will ever change.

Research findings suggest just the opposite. An important finding regarding expressing gratitude is that it actually increases a partner's comfort in “voicing concerns.”

It puts “concerns” into a different context—they become points of consideration for partners.

Final thoughts

If you are aware that you have not thanked your partner very much—it is never too late to start.

If you think that your partner knows you appreciate him/her and doesn’t need you to say, "Thank you," I suggest (as someone married for many years) that mind reading is overrated.

If you are expressing gratitude as opposed to just thinking about it, it is a win-win for all.

“When we focus on our gratitude, the tide of disappointment goes out and the tide of love rushes in.” —Kristin Armstrong