“The first duty of love is to listen.” – Paul Tillich
“Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear” – Bible (Ephesians 4:29)
In her memoir, “You’re Better Than Me,” comedian Bonnie McFarlane writes that when her husband made her super angry, she gave him the “silent treatment” for the entire week. Finally, on day seven, Bonnie’s husband turned to her and said, “Hey, we’re getting along pretty great lately!”
As we like to remind one another in this column, men and women are different. Many of the differences affect communication. Consider some of the ideas we’ve discussed in the past. Women are like waffles and men are like spaghetti. In other words, women can cover numerous topics in one conversation, whereas the man prefers to focus on one topic at a time. Men like to conquer and women would rather connect. One prefers action; the other prefers words. These are of course stereotypical, but I think most of us can identify.
Regardless of, or maybe because of, our differences in communication styles, great marriages have great communication. Family and marriage expert Dr. Greg Smalley suggests four types of communication that couples should use if they are going to connect with one another successfully.
First of all, there is the Informal Conversation, which is chitchat or small talk. Even though this is surface conversation without a lot of substance, it is still important. Both speaker and listener like to feel that the other is interested in the mundane things of their life. We can carry on these conversations without a lot of effort and they keep us connected. It’s the two becoming one on a surface but beneficial level.
Then there is the Administrative Talk, or administrative meeting, as Dr. Smalley calls it. These conversations tend to focus on action items – appointments, to-do lists, social obligations, financial decisions, children’s needs, etc. These conversations can be facilitated if husband and wife agree on certain actions ahead of time. One person normally picks the kids up at school, pays the bills, fulfills other daily obligations, etc. There is no need to discuss these items unless something changes. However, we need to be concerned if this is the sum total of all our marriage conversations.
Which leads us to the third type of conversation – Conflict Resolution. We all have problems from time to time. Something is bothering us. It may be outside the family, or within, but if it is left to fester it will have a negative effect on our family conversations. As Dr. Smalley says, “Conversations connected to challenges can help us to grow, both as individuals and as a couple. They can expose our blind spots or lead us to make important and necessary changes in our lives. Although these are critical conversations to have in a marriage relationship, they’re delicate, too, so we need to engage with a sense of grace. We need to use our best active-listening skills (‘So, I hear you saying …’), validate whatever emotions are in play, and be willing to offer forgiveness if it’s needed.”
The three levels of communication above are reactive conversations; they are responding to some need or event. The fourth level of communication is more proactive. It only happens when we make it happen. Its main benefit is enabling us to know each other better. If we aren’t careful the first three levels will consume all our time, and the fourth level won’t happen. Again quoting Dr. Smalley: “Life-giving conversations are about getting to know your partner better and strengthening the bonds between you. They’re playful and affirming. They express gratitude and demonstrate curiosity. Ask your spouse questions you’ve never asked before. Unpack hopes and dreams.”
Dr. Terri Orbuch, well-known relationship expert, suggests the “10-minute rule.” Studying nearly 400 couples over the span of 30 years, Orbuch discovered that happy couples tended to spend 10 minutes each day talking about meaningful things These are more than conversations; they’re statements of intimate commitment.
